Please help me keep this boundary

[Crosspanes]

After the great responses to the other MIL thread re: boundaries I would like your help in my own MIL scenario and what to do.

I have not spoken to MIL since Christmas after she tried to stage an intervention about my weight. She went around and tried to enlist the agreement of my own family (siblings, parents, cousins, my DCs) as well as DH. She said nothing to me, this was behind my back. The general theme was that I am overweight and this is caused by my lifestyle and it needs to be stopped and I need to be stopped eating and monitored. She also implied that it’s because I work that I am lazy at home and eat too much, and that I would make the children fat by being fat myself. (I am, by the way,
NOT overweight, but MIL has a fixation with weight.)

It was only after she left, as she had been staying, that I discovered the full extent of her attempts to enlist everybody and talk behind my back. The impression I got was that everybody was trying to be polite and just smile and nod rather than rock the boat at Christmas and tell her to fuck off. MIL also became inexplicably hostile to me over Christmas, with lots of eye rolling every time I ate, or doing things like - if I unwrapped a piece of cheese to cut a slice - making a point of taking it from in front of me, wrapping it up and putting it back in the fridge. At the time I thought these were just her own food issues, and ignored it.

Of course when my family told me what she’d been saying, I was really upset. I went first to DH who tried to minimise it. He confirmed that she had said and done what they told me she said, but that I had to understand that she was an old lady and she stupidly thought she was doing what was best for our family by keeping me in good health and that it was the approach of a more old fashioned generation who think that their son and daughter in law’s business is their business. DH said that he was convinced that she’d said all this to my face before anywa (she never has,) so why was
i suddenly surprised now? Which just shows me the amount she must have brought this up with DH in the past, to the point that he had the impression I must already know she talked like this about me all the time.

I was so hurt I decided to stop speaking to MIL (she calls the whole family several times a week) and texts and calls me too. I cut off all contact, and so did my eldest DD (who is 14.) MIL was left only with contact from DH, who is terrible, at best, in keeping in touch with her.

Arguments continued between myself and DH about this for several months. Things were rocky between us anyway, but this incident and his excuses for his mother almost pushed us over into separation.

Around the end of February, DH finally agreed to speak to MIL and tell her that her behaviour over Christmas was unacceptable. This conversation apparently happened and MIL was apparently sorry she hurt me. DH then used this interlude to invite MIL to stay again.

I agreed to this, pending MIL speaking to me about it to my face, and apologising. DH made various affirmative noises to this suggestion, but over time they have become less convincing.

I now haven’t spoken to MIL for 4 months but she’s due to come soon. Could I please ask you for help with how to speak, behave and how to keep this boundary with MIL (and DH) when she is back in my house again?

Bump

Why would you accept her back into your house without an apology? I'd go and visit some friends or something, to be honest.

Maybe you should make plans to stay with other family, or a b&b, or just have a nice holiday for when she is due?

I highly doubt any apology direct from you MIL will be forthcoming, your DH might 'interpret' an action or comment as an apology, but I wouldn't accept anything less than genuine sorrow face to face.
So, you already have a boundary. No apology, no talk. You can tell you DH to cancel her visit, stick to the rules you set, or bugger off yourself for some chill time.
I vote on holiday.

I wouldn’t have had her back in those circumstances. I don’t think much of your DH either.
Another vote for go stay elsewhere, which is incredibly unfair on you.

My boundary would be that she would never be staying in my house again. Noway.
And how dare your DH minimise this.
Mine used to minimise my MILs behaviour until I told other people the things she was doing/saying and they were shocked.
My own boundaries with MIL are:
Never be left on my own with her
I will never go on holiday with her
If she rudely wants to tell me how to parent my own children I will not be polite to her.

If she does stay in your home and she says anything at all offensive, I would kick off big time. Let it all unravel and let your DH see for himself that you will not tolerate this and demand that she leaves.

Well as you have already agreed to this I suggest an immediate sit down with her upon her arrival. Don't wait for her to speak, tell her exactly what you think of her behaviour and what your future expectations are. She will then be forced to listen, confront and apologise. Then you can move forward.
To be honest I would not have agreed to it. I'd be too upset. But as you have, you need to clear the air ASAP

You should eat her.

Seriously though, you have no obligation to be around her. She’s a dick. I would say she’s not allowed in my house. Or if she’s in my house, I will be elsewhere.

The rudeness of her! Unless your job demanded extreme physical fitness then no one should comment on your eating habits at all, and even if it did it’s still your choice.

I’d find it hard to forgive this behaviour but would ultimately not want to cut all contact with her over it, unless her attitude was being pushed on your daughter(s) too. If she hasn’t sent an apology or called before coming, then I’d be reluctant to be physically in the house during her visit. Path of least resistance is pretending you have to visit a friend or family, and going somewhere nice. Your DH may find this over the top but has obviously never had to experience the comments everyone feels entitled to make to women (and girls).

Hopefully she accepts it’s nothing to do with her and is sincerely apologetic, if not I’d be walking out the room every time she said anything! Good luck OP

I agreed to this, pending MIL speaking to me about it to my face, and apologising. DH made various affirmative noises to this suggestion, but over time they have become less convincing

Simple, unequivocally restate the above to your DH. MIL can only visit after speaking to you and apologizing. Remind him that this hasn't happened yet. Therefore there will either be no MIL visit or you will not be present.

This is hard because you're dealing with your husband's mum and if the husband isn't going anywhere then the mum isn't either.

I absolutely understand why you would not be comfortable having her stay in your home but, it isn't just your home, it's your husband's home too.

I would need to have a conversation with her beforehand with robust, very vocal and very visible support from my husband so she would KNOW we're on the same page as a couple.
I would need to clear the air and be completely reassured that there was going to be no repeat of her behaviour.

How is your relationship with her outside of this? Would it be possible to meet on neutral ground first and then if that goes well, rebuild from there? I don't think just having her come to stay after 4 months is fair to you especially because of the reasons behind why you haven't spoken. It all needs addressing first and your husband needs to be far more proactive when dealing with this.

Thank you for all responses.

In answer to some of the questions - MIL is a piece of work. It’s not an isolated incident, the general message since I met DH is that I am not good enough for him in any way at all: looks, background, education, work, you name it.

DH has taken an attitude of MIL being a bit senile, and every time she makes a comment or does something offensive, laughing at her and trying to get me to laugh along. MIL did actually say once that i’d “Never be good enough,” for DH at a dinner at her house where lots of her friends were there. DH’s response was to collapse into laughter “at” her and try and turn it into a joke. This seems to fuel her in a way as it gives her an audience or attention or a reaction. He doesn’t see that his response is the wrong thing to do.

So now that I have shot myself in the foot by not stopping DH as he arranged her next visit during the brief interlude where it seemed she was contrite and would apologise - how do I handle it now?

Do I take her to one side before she’s even put her suitcase down?

Send her links to the nearest travel lodge. Offer apologies if she thought she was staying at your home. Dh can fuck off out to meet her.

Im guessing she will fuck off as soon as you've set the scene with her on her arrival anyway. Its hard as you need your DH's support but I'm not sure you're going to get it?

Tell him you will be setting the scene on her arrival. It may scare him enough to get her to stay elsewhere.

Id expect it to kick off though if I were you and partly, I'd be secretly hoping it does as a way of making it clear to your DH as to where your boundaries now lie with regards to MIL.

I'd sent your DH along to the nearest Travel Lodge, she had ample time to genuinely apologise. The old MN mantra, you also have a DH problem applies. To be fair, I love my MIL but if I had one like yours and she had tried to take cheese out of hand and stop me eating, she would have only done it once because I would have slapped her hand hard. I normally would never resort to something physical but I would consider her actions as a physical provocation too.

How far away goes does she live? How does she get to yours? I'm just thinking of options to send her packing if (1) she is not hugely apologetic and contrite, or (2) steps out of line again.

I don't understand.

You just say:

'By the way, your mother's visit is soon. Just to let you know that I have still not had an apology for her so it's probably best that you cancel. It was a stupid idea on all our parts probably! I'd really rather not see her at all anyway.'

DH -'But I can't cancel, blah'

You - 'Then I'll simply not be here when she comes. I'm serious DH, she is not someone I want in my life, if she could bring herself to apologise then perhaps we could manage a distant relationship but I've had enough of her and by not contacting me she's making it clear - she doesn't respect me and hasn't changed. So she's not welcome. Cancel it please.'

To use the famous MN phrase - you don’t have a MiL problem, you have a DH problem.

I agree with Ella. You're upset you haven't had an apology. Does MiL even know you need one before her visit? Do you know DH has told even her?MiL was a bitch at Christmas but DH is your problem in this instance.
Simply tell Dan that if there's been no apology before MiLs arrival, you won't be there.

I would not be prepared to leave my own house to allow her visit.
I think DH’s laughter at her nasty comments is quite a good move and should be accompanied by a gentle stroke on her hand and an enquiry about her well-being, “Oh Mum, you are funny. When you were younger you would have been so upset to find you can no longer pick up on social conventions. Do you need to lie down for a while maybe?”
I tend to overthink things. I would drop her a card (guessing she doesn’t text) saying you are surprised and pleased that DH has explained to you that she is going to apologise for being so unpleasant. You are sure she feels embarrassed by her comments and you want to reassure her that you will accept her apology with grace and, once you have received it, will not need to mention it again.

Oh dear, you have my sympathies, the best thing I ever did was go no contact with my Toxic in-laws!

I would refuse to have her over

‘I only agreed to your Mother visiting if she was prepared to admit how wrong her behaviour was and apologise face to face. This has not happened, therefore I will not have your Mother in this house!

More importantly, I will not expose our daughter to the toxic ramblings of a woman who tried to stage an intervention over MY weight, when I am a healthy weight. Girls dd’s Age are so sensitive about weight and your Mother could put dangerous ideas into her mind regarding what a healthy body looks like and what a healthy weight is! I certainly will not have her constantly taking food off me or tutting or making comment every time I eat! She is your Mother, you are by all means free to go and visit her but she will not set a foot inside this house or be in the company of our dc

(if you wish you could add- until/ unless she apologised and I believe she actually knows how toxic/ wrong her behaviour was and that I have no need to lose weight at all!)

I have to ask purely out of 100% curiosity and I know I'll get lynched for it because it's totally beside the point...

What size are you?

Does your dd want to see her? No good you going to stay somewhere else and leaving dd behind if not. I thiknifed you leave now you just set the expectation that you'll leave every time she wants to visit. Shed probably prefer it without you there anyway, so I'd definitely not want to set this precedent.

Tell your dh she hasn't apologised so she isn't coming. If she wont apologise then she can stay in a hotel or your dh can visit her.

The op has said she isn't overweight. Do not allow her unsupervised time with your dd.

She was abusive and treated you with contempt in your own home and your DH allowed it. He is reinforcing her. Tell him to cancel.