I don't like being hostile to dh but I can't help it

[ShortStory]

If I ever have a disagreement with dh he says really hurtful things. Afterwards he says he doesn't mean any of the things he just says them because he's angry. But after 21 years of this, I'm finding it really hard to let go.

Stuff like 'I think it's pathetic you need a break from your own children'. 'You're obsessed with money and you just want to keep up with your friends'....that was last weekend's one. Later when calm I asked for an example of when I'd tried to keep up with friends as I didn't recognise that at all. He said it wasn't true he just says it to hurt me. And he knows what to go for. Which buttons to press.

It's taken me a long time to recover my mental health after post natal depression (which I can now see was greatly exacerbated by the name calling and lack of compassion from my husband). I don't know how to move on. To keep loving him and still look after myself. Every time I feel like I've forgiven him, it happens again and I'm right back to square one. I try so hard to keep my temper so now we're down to only disagreeing every few months.

He says everyone argues....do they argue like this. Is it normal for a dh to say such cutting things? And I'm being too sensitive?

It feels so strange to live with someone who seems to hate me one minute and then wants to be best of friends the next.

How do I let it go so I'm not feeling this simmering resentment? I wish I could just let it go.

Oh OP, yes everyone argues, but not everyone is mean and says spiteful things. This is emotional abuse. I'm not exaggerating. If it was a one off in 20 years, apology made and never happened again then fair enough. But it isn't. It's a weapon he uses, one that he knows hurts and he continues. I don't think you need to learn to cope with it. I think you need to see this for what it is and leave.

I think after 21 years it will be very difficult if not impossible to not feel resentment after being treated like this.
I am going through similar with my DH ive been called ‘a stupid cunt’ (over something trvial), ‘fucking lazy’ (because some housework wasn’t done) and various other personal things throughout our marriage. Not all the time, mainly when an argument isn’t going his way. He always apologises afterwards and says that ‘everyone says stupid things in arguments’ after 10 years ive had enough and I am setting myself up to leave him. I couldn’t imagine having to put up with this shit for another 10 years.
to you

Not everyone argues like this, DH and I have our spats but we never never resort to personal insults.

He sounds quite vile. Sorry

You can't have a happy, nurturing relationship with someone who behaves like this - I know, I tried for over 20 years.

Maybe time for an ultimatum; he gets counselling or he goes.

His behaviour is not acceptable and don't let him tell you that it is!

On the other hand, it might be that he does have examples in mind, but doesn't want to re-ignite the same argument after things have calmed down.

He doesn't even acknowledge or recognise that what he is doing is wrong, so it's no point forgiving him when he has no intention of stopping it. The only thing that is changing is that you are working hard to avoid challenging him. That's not healthy.

Still no reason to be so hurtful, pie.

@ShortStory you've described my life. Okay for a while, then if we have a disagreement I get the very hurtful personal insults from my DH (I'm an evil, lazy, miserable, cruel, arrogant, gobby twat, etc). I've posted about it here (under a different user name) and got lots of supportive comments, mainly along the line of LTB!

I too have the simmering resentment that you have and it does not make for a happy life, for anyone. I channel my resentful enegy into doing positive activities outside the home that do make me happy, with people that I enjoy being with. If I didn't do that, I'd go mad.

Your thread title confused me... I think he's the hostile one.

@piethagoras - I would really struggle to think of one example of when this has happened. Except the day before I had shown him a therapy centre that a friend was using for her child with SEN and said I was interested in using it for ds2 - so maybe it was that. I did ask if that had bothered him and he said no, and that he'd just made it up and didn't really believe what he was saying.

Sorry @SandyY2K - I didn't mean to cause confusion. I know I can't change his behaviour - so I'm trying to focus on my own. And I really don't like the person I am when I'm around him right now. Can't look at him, flinch if comes near me, can't think of anything to say at all, because I'm hyper aware that anything I say may come back in an argument at a later date..... I cannot imagine being married to me is fun, so it's like a viscious circle because he's steadily getting more angry at this rejection, then it'll blow up again, then I'll be even more quiet and distant.

His position is that even if I don't say spiteful things to him, I must be thinking it, which is just as bad. He thinks them and then says them out loud - so that makes him honest - which in his opinion is a virtue......and then when he sees he's upset me he says it was a lie to get a reaction.....now when I write it out, it's no wonder my head's a mess.

I guess I'm just clutching a straws, hoping that if I can change enough and learn to be OK with it, not affected by it, then it'll work out.

His position is that even if I don't say spiteful things to him, I must be thinking it, which is just as bad. He thinks them and then says them out loud - so that makes him honest - which in his opinion is a virtue......and then when he sees he's upset me he says it was a lie to get a reaction

Seriously, read that pile of utterly twisted nonsense back to yourself a few times.

No sane person would give this man the time of day.

You need to have a good think, because sharing your life with a person this awful is really, really bad for you.

It isn't you. It is most definitely him.

Fizzy.....I know, I know. Then 99% of the time he's a normal, likeable human being. It's such a head-messer. But that 1% of the time has such a massive impact on me - I wish it didn't.

It isn’t possible to have a living trusting relationship with someone like this.

My pet leopard only tries to rip peoples faces off 1% of the time. Otherwise she’s the perfect pet.

In other words my hypothetical leopard is a fucking shite pet. And needs releasing into the wild.

You want to be ok with a partner who DELIBERATELY says things to hurt you? Really? Read that back to yourself, and then ask yourself WHY?

Because these aren't innocent little comments. These are calculated, deliberate, and targeted at your vulnerabilities. That is a HATEFUL thing for him to be doing. You are not being angry ENOUGH. This man doesn't deserve you. You certainly deserve a hell of a lot better.

Then 99% of the time he's a normal, likeable human being

Yes, but he isn't really. You know that he pretends to actually be one, as he knows that were he to show his sociopathic self to all and sundry, he'd have no friends and no life, but he actually isn't normal and likeable. You're reminded of the fact that he is a nasty pretender every time he takes off the mask he only ever takes off in front of you and shows the nastiness.

That's a horrible way to live. It is NOT 'normal living 99% of the time' It's exactly the opposite. It's pretend normal living with bouts of evil, and probably the pretend normal is just as unsettling - perhaps more so - than the honest nastiness.

He isn't 99% normal. He's 100% nasty and you have to live with it.

My husband is like this

Mainly when hungry actually or stressed but it doesn’t make it ok.

We went for a cycle ride this morning with his kids we got back as he totally flew off the handle about not being able to get the bikes back in the garage, shouted at me to fuck off wheb I asked him what he would like me to feed the (his) kids and he’s now left and with the kids without saying goodbye and I won’t see him until next weekend.

I am near my limit with it tbh

Time to get the locks changed, TimeToVent.

You flinch if he comes near you? Really you need to get out.

So I'm guessing from your examples that he comes out with this tripe most when you are trying to do/think/be something for yourself?

And the maybe you second guess yourself, don't do those things and find a way to justify to yourself that it was your decision not his input that changed your mind?

Or you go ahead but his words keeping echoing in your brain so you don't enjoy yourself and the next time a similar opportunity comes up you decide it's not worth the aggro.

What your 'D'H is doing is a very effective method of controlling you. My XH was very similar...I've done more with my life in the 3 years since I left him than I did in the 20 years we were together, and I'm no longer constantly walking on eggshells.

I disagree with my DH but we never on purpose say hurtful things, why would we - we care about each other! If either of us said the other had hurt our feelings there would be immediate apologies, but tbh we don’t even often disagree crossly - we talk about the issue.
You need to think about what his behaviour says about his feelings for you...however hard it may be, you might need to accept this man does not truly value/respect/cherish you which is what you deserve.
Treading on eggshells about your conversations being used in later arguments, flinching from him, that is not a loving relationship and you do know this.

He needs to learn to take a deep breath and walk away from these arguments. We all know what will hurt our partners but we manage to stop saying it. Now and again an argument with DH will result in us both saying that we don’t mean but that’s when neither of us are in control of our emotions any more.
How does it escalate to him saying that? I’d think about that with him and at what point you can both take a break from the disagreement before it escalates.

My relationship is as long as yours OP and, along with other controlling stuff he is very nasty to me. I didn't see it as abuse at the time because I was very young and had very low self worth. His classic line was 'people have been filling your ears' if we didnt agree on anything, implying I don't have any ideas or thoughts of my own. The argument would then be unresolved because the argument would shift to me defending myself, and the people he's blaming. Another line would be 'you're the cause of my stress and heart problems because you don't cook for me on time abd make me healthy meals'. This really messes with my head because I do my best cooking home-cooked meals nearly everyday. But the odd occassion we have a takeaway or I've added too much salt to the meal or the meal was prepared late I feel guilty that I might be causing his health problems. He's also name-called and made comments on my appearance and my family, but apparantly he was just joking. Like you OP I don't talk to him much now other than house and kids related because I don't know what his reactions going to be. He totally resents this amd blames my attitude changing and me talking to others and filling my head. You just can't win.

But lately his remarks have become too much to bare. We have small dcs one with a disability. I do a good job taking care of, as would any good mum, but if I show moments of weakness or stress he lashes out says 'why have all these kids if you can't take care of them.' and about our house 'you and your kids don't desrve to live in a house like this. I should have moved you into a council house, that would have sorted you out.' These two remarks, and he's not said them once but on several ocassions, are unforgiveable to me. I will be leaving him and I'm getting my ducks in a row.

I have been with my partner 20 years (married for 11) he has never been personally insulting to me in an argument. We disagree and it very occasionally gets heated but personal insults are a line that neither of us cross. It is wrong, it is unnecessary and he is lying if he says he can't control what he is saying. I would really have a long hard think about what life would be like without him in it.