Can I block him?

[Starsrcrossed]

I’ll try my best not to drip feed what is a really shitty situation.

I fell pregnant with my ex under a year into our relationship which had been lovely and supportive up to that point. he was adamant he wanted us to stay together for our baby, but treated me like shit for the majority of the pregnancy, gradually getting worse. I felt very vulnerable and had a high risk pregnancy, his attitude throughout was for me to pull myself together and control my emotions better.

Once DS was born he was even more shit. Saw him less than ten times in his first year of life, but insisted we remain in constant communication and generally let us down and caused a lot of stress. He missed DS first birthday because he was in a new relationship.

He tried to continue speaking to me / insisting we would work things out and be in a relationship again while he was in this new relationship, but he blocked me on most forms of contact as I had sent him photos of DS and he didn’t want the new girlfriend to know either of us existed. When he broke up with her he unblocked me and started sending lengthy messages declaring his love and regret. He also heard through a work friend that i was dating someone, and bombarded me with more calls and texts,

I could write pages me pages of examples to why I wish he wasn’t in our life anymore. Any interaction I have is purely because we have a child - If we didn’t, I’d have blocked him long ago and moved on with life. He also has a child from a previous relationship who he’s currently not in contact with (his own choice).

My dilemma is that I feel incredibly guilty/ashamed at the idea of taking away the opportunity for my DS to know who his father is. In my heart I’m fairly sure my ex would not bother going through court/legal means to remain in contact if I blocked him, and I feel it would be a weight on my shoulders and could negatively effect DS when he is older. In the last few months he has also made some improvements (seeing DS consistently) which gives some small hope.

On the other hand, he’s a horrible immoral person, and has shown time and time again that he will always put himself first, dealing with him at all is incredibly draining and negatively impacting my life. He is manipulative and unkind, im not even sure why he is so pushy on being in our lives. He has also shown he can’t be a committed parent as he has dropped out of his other child’s life.

Any advice welcome - If a middle ground is possible I’d try it, but he refuses to keep conversation to just DS and causes huge dramas every time I try and have a conversation about it. I just want to draw a line now

OK - you are the parent here and a grown up. No one but you can ensure your boundaries are maintained.
So - while it won’t be fair to shut him out of the child’s life entirely, it will be perfectly fair and seems Urgently necessary for you to develop a thicker skin. And to ignore anything you don’t like from him.

He doesn’t need to be in both of your lives. Only in his child’s. Everything else - you just need to get stronger to deflect.

If I were you - I’d agree a defined schedule of visitations. And totally ignored and blocked all other communications. And if he caused any dramas and harassed you - if it’s in written form - just delete and not engage.
And if he comes in person - call the police.

You can only fight fire with fire. He’ll continue walking over you for as lit as you allow it.
For the sake of your child - sort it out now - so that they don’t see that as a model for a relationship when they are older.

You're not denying your child a loving father.

You're not facilitating your son being jerked around for the next 18 years.

Whi will pick up the pieces when he doesnt show/call. Pretends he hasnt got a child?

Do you want to give your son the message that he shoukd chase love from someone who isnt interested?

I'd be blocking him and putting in a claim with CMS if you haven't already. If he doesn't want to take it to court he was never going to be that great of a father to your DC anyway. I think it's probably worse for your baby to have to go through the back and forth of seeing daddy when he's interested and being ignored when he's not. If he lost interest in his first DC I wouldn't hold out much hope and I'd get on with my life loving my child enough for both parents (and as I'm in a similar situation, that's exactly what I'm doing).

Tell him under no uncertain terms that you can facilitate a relationship with him and DS, but that's on the proviso that he is reliable and there is no discussion of a relationship between the two of you.

If he lets you down on seeing DS, or continues grinding you down about you and him, I'd ignore and only respond to anything important that relates to your DS.