sex and marriage

[123testing]

I'm having real anxiety over an issue which is quite senstive and embarassing and hope you wise mumsnetters can show me some perspective.

So I'm trying to make the decision to end my marriage after years of abuse. He's controlling and coercive but one of the main issues is sex. He has had erectile dysfunction right from the start and hasn't really sought any medication for it other than multivitamins. I'm realy embarassed about this because after years of trying and frustration we kind of got a knack of doing where I help him out. As a result I have become pregnant many times over the years despite having sex only 1 or 2 times a month. But the issue is I don't even like him. he smells, he baths everyday and bruahes his teeth but still has really bad breath, and he's lazy in bed. He expects me to do most of the work in bed and does things I don't like. When he touches or kisses me I don't feel anything. If anything I feel disgust. If I don't feel like dtd he'll sulks and go downstairs on the sofa, or keep pestering me for sex. I have been fantasizing about fictional scenarios to get aroused just so I could do it with him. Lately I've been fantasizing about random crushes I get.

Even though I dislike having sex with him I go along with it for a few reasons; because I feel sorry for him; because I feel bad sex is better than no sex; I feel extremely guilty about having random crushes and feel I should work on my marriage and my sex life and hopefully it will get better.

Some days I'm ok. But when he's being abusive in other areas or if we've had a bad session in bed with niether of us feeling satisfied, that happens a lot, I feel sooo furious and dejected I end up crying in bed.
We don't share the same bed, he can't sleep next to me because he keeps pestering me for sex.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't end the marriage just for sex. Even if we did seperate I would'nt have a relationship with anyone new because I feel I'm too psychologically scarred from my current situation to enter into a healthy relationship. Also, I don't want to inflict a step parent on to my kids. Been through this as a child myself and had a horrible experience. Whatss the point of seperating anyway? But despite all these thoughts I am going to because I can't live like this anymore. I'd rather be celibate forever than live through this torture for the rest of my life.
Right? Or am I being selfish and not thinking about the kids?

I've name changed for this

It sounds like you need to end the marriage. If it is this dysfunctional your kids will be better off for it ending.

By the sound of it you would be ending your marriage as your not happy and don't want to 'live with torture'. Sex isn't everything but it gives you a connection, him making you feel disgusted isn't the connection your looking for.

Also if hes abusive you shouldn't stay for any reason, get out and be happy

There doesn't seem to be any reason to stay...

Controlling, coercive and you find him repulsive. He pressures you to have sex you don't want.

What reason is there not to separate?
It's not s healthy relationship or a good example for your kids.

There is no reason to stay. Your kids will be happier as you will be. This is awful way to live for you

Thank you for the replies everyone. It's really difficult to leave because I'm a sahm and have a few dcs. I'm taking things slow at the moment. I've decided not to give in to his pestering. It's just that Im feeling guilty that I'm withdrawing sex without leaving him.

Is this down to financial reasons that your staying then? Its obviously a worry about these sorts of things but what would be better, living on benefits and feeling like you have peace or staying in an abusive relationship which you feel you have no way out of?

Part of me thinks I shouldn't end the marriage just for sex.
This is a common sentiment, that sex is just some base, icky need that is optional and falls well below all the other more noble things marriage provides. But that's wrong. Sex is very important to marriage. I'm not saying married people always need to be having a lot of sex, but they need to be on the same page.

But by the sound of it you will never want to have sex with him ever again. Never going to happen. That's the strong impression I get from your post. You need to tell him completely clearly, and keep telling him until he gets the message. Yeah, that will probably force him into ending the marriage. That's unavoidable at this point. You sound utterly miserable. He doesn't sound too happy either.