Just Need A Rant. Separated and big 4-0 tomorrow

[scotgal2017]

Apologies in advance, have had a bottle of Cava all to myself and feeling emotional. i'm the big 4-0 tomorrow and have precisely no-oneof the adult persuasion to celebrate it with.

I have the kids (15 and 12), went to Pizza Hut and cinema today, but that's it, that's the sub total of my life now.... no friends, no large family, nothing. No party, no surprise meal and gifts, nada.

If you read my profile and previous posts, you'll know my background; short edit for those who don't, abusive ex, met at 17 and a half, married at 21, 20 years of shite an abuse from him, then he left nearly 2 years ago. OW surfaced about 5 months after he left, all of this whilst living in a foreign country. he is a high earner, has over 6 figures a year, I have moved back to Uk summer last year, less than minimum wage job and no friends. No social life except when he has kids for 2/3 weeks at a time, and that isnme travelling alone.going to cinema alone etc. Trying online dating but attracting guys who just want their leg over or are completely F**ed in the head/have issues.

I love my kids to death obviously, waiting on youngest DS12 seeing paediatrician for (hopefully) a diagnosis for aspergers etc. Ex buries his head in the sand in relation to this, always has done. DS12 hates going to ex as ex has a temper and always shouts at them, kids witnessed him calling me names/swearing at me etc. Was treated like a secretary/babysitter etc for most of the time together.

i had counselling for me after ex left, am aware of the likes of Lundy Bancroft etc. Saw sol for free half hour, even though ex earns 6 figurers, no assets/savings/property, so entitled to sweet FA. 20 years of my life for feckall. Would like to start my own business, to provide for my kids/do a job I love/leave something for my kids but have nothing to do it with.

I just want a bit of extra happiness in my life, i can't seem to find it OLD after 2 years on my own being happy with me. Will it ever come my way? it feels so unfair. I seem quite picky as I suppose I should be, but that has left me with the boring old guys who have never had a girlfriend/wife etc. My big 4-0 i imagined years ago is so far from what will happen tomorrow.

You need to look at this as a new chapter. Create the life you want. It's going to take time but totally doable.

Don't rely on him for anything. If you aren't entitled to anything, then work towards acceptance of this. How can you improve your income?

You stayed in the relationship for 20 years so you have to own some responsibility for that. But you are free now.

What can you do tomorrow to treat yourself?

Yes, it tough now, but this will change when you start investing in your new life and stop being bound by the past.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!!!

Happy birthday for tomorrow.

Is there any way you could get a start-up grant or loan for your business idea?

I wouldn't look for a bloke as a way of achieving happiness, I would pursue your interests, build yourself something, make plans you can work towards. The right man might come along, but I'd put your energies into finding a way to make your business happen, not OLD.

Thanks @ laughingcow99

he pays some maintenance each month, which of course is great, when they go there but he is very much a Disney Dad...he'll buy a PS4 game but has no clue that his son is failing in school...his son hides behind fear when he stays with his dad and so behaves "impeccably" for fear of getting shouted at, I get all barells and all the crap when he isn't performing at school. I don't mind, he is my son, that's my job as his mum, I've been with him to every speech therapy/psychologist/doctor appointment through his life when his DF hasn't and will continue to do so. If I have to handle this alone as a parent, nothing new there. i don't rely on ex for anything except maintenance for his kids and seeing them when he is onshore. contacvt ios veyer, very low,sometimes even one word if I can get away with it. I have cut off him as much as I can, cut off his family from me completely. I'm more at the stage that I would like someone to bounce off of, to be there for me, someone to come home to and get a cuddle from because I've had a shit day at work, you know? I'm fine with being single, i'm independent and have pretty much been so since my mum left at the age of 9.... but i would like to experience true love (not the abusive shit that ex gave me that I thought was love, and you are right I have to own my part in that 20 years) but unconditional, as-it-should-be love. at the moment with my milestone birthday and a bottle of cava in my system, it doesn;t feel like I will ever get that....I feel like I should prepare for 12 cats and knitting patterns from Grattan (who remembers them lol

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

I separated from my cheating husband in December 2017 and turned 40 in August. After him having a great 40th, with me takkkg him to a Michelin star restaurant and him having a big party, I was a bit sad that my birthday would be as a single mum but I actually had a great birthday in the end.
I organised a weekend away with friends and went for dinner with my kids and parents. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me.
It may be too late for tomorrow but can you look for any local meet ups to try and meet some new friends? Mums from school? Any hobbies you are interested in?
As for tomorrow, why not think about it as the start of your new life. Start doing things you want to do and that make you happy.

I took my kids to their first festival (and my first in 20 years) and finally started learning to play the guitar this year.

I didn’t want to be a single mum and never imagined it would be where I would be at 40 but it is so all I can do is make the most of it and grab the life I have my the horns.

I hope you have something nice planned tomorrow, even if it’s a nice long candle lit baths and glass of wine at the end of the day x

@category12 thanks.

Yes i have messaged Business Gateway but they basically say you need money to start up the business!

I don't need a bloke but I want a bloke IYSWIM. I just feel (at least this evening with a bottle of cava in me) that i deserve to experience real love and have someone to be able to talk to of an evening about my day. it feels like that is quite unachievable and that makes me sad....

And I can totally empathise with wanting someone to talk about your day with, share a bottle of wine with, etc. It can be lonely but I’ll take that over someone who doesn’t respect me.
Your children are watching you. You may not realise it but they are watching and they will realise what an amazing mum you are to love them when you sometimes find it hard to love yourself and to raise them and to keep their world turning. You are doing a great job and I’m sure you’ll find your happiness because you deserve it x

Think if it was your birthday tomorrow and you were still stuck with him, that you still had to go through everything to split up.
You are closer to happiness now then you were three birthdays ago.
Forgot OLD find some hobbies that interest you increase your social circle better chances of finding someone worth keeping.

No school mum friends as I work unsociable school hours, and my 2 don't really socialise, its all laptops and games consoles (thanks to their DF hard habit for them to break and as I work unsociable hours they get away with it for the time I'm not home, for example DD15 never goes to play with friends, or heck, even hang out in the street til it gets dark).I know for sure DD misses her friends in foreign country but I had tomove back to get half decent job and with the hope DS would do better at English speaking school.

I haven't got an hobbies that are social so far as it's tricky with ex, he is oli & gas, so he has kids 2 or 3 weeks at a time and I have them rest of time....that combined with unsociable working hours doesn't ;eave much scope for hobbies/socialising/meetups etc, except when kids away, so social life very sporadic. I also have 3 dogs, so can't just organise a night away as it involves paying for/organiding kennels etc.

I agree @crockof I know I am better off without him...but I'm a nice, kind, honest, fun woman, why is it so hard to find someone the same??

That's why you'd need to find a grant or loan.

You're only 40, life is far from over, nor is it going to stay the same way forever.

And love isn't unconditional, and it shouldn't be (apart from maybe parent-child relationships). Love should have conditions: treat me like poop and I'm not gonna stick around, etc.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳
I’m 40 too.

I’m looking at it as a turning point. You HAVE to try and make time for something for yourself. A hobby even if it’s online mainly with some RL meet-ups.

Anything so you can get some friends. I left my dp and had very few friends. At our age we have to work a bit harder to get them. But it is possible.
Work friends? If your son may have aspergers a support group where you can meet other mums who might struggle to make friends too.

You can do it. You got out of a shitty relationship. You did it! You now have the rest of your life to build friendships and hopefully meet someone. But I would go for the friendships first. They will be the most important thing.

40 is a tough age to deal with if you feel like your life isn’t where you want it to be, so don’t beat yourself up about that bit. I felt exactly the same. Not all of us can be exactly where we want in life at any given time, and it is not your fault and you’ve not wasted your life.

Xx

You need to find a life not dependent on others. It's difficult after so many years being told what to do, but now you need to find yourself. You don't need a man to make things right for you, you have to find the inner reserves to see the direction you need to go in.

Look at further education, a better job, doing things you enjoy, being creative etc. Become a better you and friends, relationships etc usually fall into place.

I would concentrate on changing your job to something better hours, so you can then get involved in local groups. If the first doesn’t work out look for another. If your community has a parish newsletter or online forum - use that to find out about what’s around and contact the organisers for more info. Daft as it seems, Scouts and Guides are always looking for volunteers and they can be flexible about what and when you do.

I hope you had an ok day x