Dating question...

[laura1091]

I’ve dated a lot and a few weeks ago met someone I clicked with. Had a lovely evening and he said he wanted to meet again and that he suspected he would also want to meet again after that...all very cute.

He’s called me voluntarily many times and we’ve chatted for at least an hour each time. Here’s the issue: he’s arranged to meet up 3 times and cancelled due to work stress, not having time and needing to prepare for a presentation. Each time he cancelled was by text, no apology just a rushed and clearly stressed message. He’s not with anyone (a friend of a friend works in the same department as him and has done for years).

Every time we speak on the phone he explains himself more clearly, will say he’s sorry and that he does want to meet. The third time it happened I sent a message (yesterday) saying although I want to meet him again if he’s not got the time or just doesn’t want to then please just say. He was on a shift and read it this afternoon. No reply yet.

I know we have only met once but I have dated a LOT and so it’s strange to feel like this about someone and I know it was genuine. He pursues me with the calls etc and has spent a lot of time chatting.

I don’t know what to make of it really. He suggests that in a couple of weeks work will have calmed down. But there’s no desire to pin down a date.

Would you forget about this one?

Also just for context he said in passing in one call that he’d deleted the dating app as he ‘got lucky’ having met me. He didn’t make a thing of the comment or ask me to come off the site. But this is just info to show he’s previously given the impression he was keen...

Three times is a lot. I might give the benefit of the doubt once, but three times is taking the piss.

Also, him dropping that in about giving up the dating app would make me more wary, not less.

Does he give any indication of whether he’s having a busy time at work? Like ‘March is always mental’ or ‘it’s becaise the project is nearly completed’? If so I’d maybe hang on in there. If it’s normal for him, then I guess not.

That’s what I thought. I know he has a big event coming up that he’s massively involved with which is taking up lots of his time and he lives 45 miles away so can’t nip over but still...! I really liked him and feel disappointed by it :(

What is it I read on here somewhere?

"Don't listen to the words, listen to the actions"

Sounds to me like he's stringing you along

Yes he told me he had a meeting the other day where he was told he had shit loads more to prepare for this event and hadn’t done it. All rests on him pretty much and I know this as I work in the same industry.

Just feel messed about especially as he’s not even text back when I asked him that question!

45 miles is less than my daily commute. It's an hour's driving. it's nothing if he was keen.

Inclined to agree. Last message he sent was that he couldn’t make the other night as he was totally exhausted from a 14 hour shift. That’s when I asked if he actually wanted to meet up and that I would rather know if not. Was perfectly nice about it. No reply.

As a man (I know, but someone got to be!) He is wasting your time.

Serious, are you desperate for someone? I don't mean that rudely, but if anyone else messed you around like this would you take it?

Time to move on, and find someone WHO MAKES TIME FOR YOU, not someone who don't care if they do or don't.

When I first dated my fiancée, any time she mentioned, I said yes to, and was there, bright n early.

Our first date lasted 6 hours, we just talked n talked, about everything n nothing.

I think three times, is more than enough chances.

macback I’ve just dated so much and never met anyone I clicked with. I’m always asked out again and I’m never bothered about it. I really liked this guy.

I agree though with what you’re saying. Just feel disappointed.

Two things:

Yes, his words are betrayed by his actions. I dated someone like this - so, so busy! Always a drama going on. I asked him several times to tell me if it wasn't working for him, and he reassured me every time ... all the while making less and less time to communicate with me. I cut him off knowing I should have done it when my gut was telling me something wasn't adding up.

Second, from your last comment, I'm wondering whether there isn't a pattern where you have no interest in the men who are interested, yet are somehow attracted to the man who is not. If there is a pattern, it's an approach-avoid dynamic that may be worth looking at more closely.

The fact he didn’t reply says it all. He should be falling over himself if he genuinely wants to see you. What about next Time he has a 14 hour shift? He will let you down again.

He could be genuinely over busy, not interested or just flakey and unreliable. Any of those would suggest it’s a non starter to me.

Afistful - what do you mean by the avoid comment?

I have to say initially when he contacted me I wasn’t as keen and I become more keen the busier he was!!!!

From the interwebs:

" In approach-avoidance relationships, when you want closeness with the other person, s/he is not available and does not want you. When you get fed up and you distance, the other person wants you very much.

Some people will only fall in love with you if you don’t fall in love back. They want you only when they can’t have you. When they can have you, they get scared and threatened—and then act remote, judgmental, critical, superior, too busy and not interested. Frequently they give double messages, such as “come closer but keep your distance” simultaneously.

The approach-avoidant person wants closeness, but only a little bit, and only in safe doses. S/he unwittingly modulates closeness and distance: when you want closeness, fears of intimacy get triggered and s/he backs off. When you get fed up with that behavior and back off yourself, s/he acts closer and more intimate.

The unspoken stance taken in such relationships is “I can’t afford to let you matter too much, because if I do, I’m afraid of you hurting me. So we’re going to have to be more distant, because then it will be safer.”

So what can you do when you’re involved with an approach-avoidant person? For one thing, you’re going to have to figure out where your limits and boundaries are. If you don’t set limits with this behavior, you’ll feel if as you’re riding a roller coaster over which no one has control.

You can also challenge emotionally withdrawn or distancing behavior when it occurs. Ask such questions as “What is threatening you right now? What is happening right now that feels unsafe to you? What can I do to help you feel safer and more protected?”"

Second, from your last comment, I'm wondering whether there isn't a pattern where you have no interest in the men who are interested, yet are somehow attracted to the man who is not. If there is a pattern, it's an approach-avoid dynamic that may be worth looking at more closely.

This!

OP his comments about seeing you again and again means nothing; his comment about being "lucky" and deleting the dating app means nothing. Cancelling THREE TIMES means something.

I dated a lot and yet was still blindsided by a player once. He didn't look like a typical charmer, he was short and chubby. I sort of felt I was the only person who could fancy him! He was so funny and likeable but forever cancelling dates. I blithely assumes the reasons were genuine because he seemed so normal and likeable. Then we finally shagged and he dumped me like litter into a bin.

Carry on looking around and if this man's work really quietens down you can date him; but please don't stop looking around. Three times is a lot to cancel. A lot.

@AFistfulofDolores1

Thanks for posting that brilliant piece about avoid/approach. It describes me to a tee, quite scarily. Where's it from?

It's from a reader letter on a web pate, but the approach/avoid concept itself is pure psychodynamic psychotherapy.

In some way, you were taught growing up not to get too close. In some way, relationships didn't equate solely to safety, but to insecurity and/or pain. What we don't work through, we repeat in an attempt to work it out.

The best way to work it through is some kind of therapeutic work - not just to understand what you do and why you do it; and why you choose partners who do this dance with you (they're the same) - but also to start unpicking those deeply-set patterns so that you make choices that work in your better interests.

Ah - Molly - sorry! I thought you were the OP. The same applies though :)

Ah - Molly - sorry! I thought you were the OP. The same applies though :)

I loved your brilliant answer and felt very flattered to receive it - so thanks! 😊 It all rang true.