My mother has cancer and I can't feel anything

[ladybee28]

Am in a bit of a strange hole this evening.

I've been NC with my mother for nearly 2 years, after reaching a point where I just couldn't handle our relationship any more.

I had a tough childhood with her, abusive in many ways, and I've felt responsible for her my whole life (she's both incredibly powerful and incredibly fragile).

Her chaotic lifestyle over the years since I've been a teenager and adult ground me down to the point where I had to step away from the relationship, initially just for a break and my own mental health, but then she never got in touch either and it's just continued this way.

Today another family member got in touch to let me know she's been in hospital with ovarian cancer.

And I feel nothing. Not surprised, not sad... mostly just confused by how little I feel about it. And I still have no inclination to reach out and get in touch with her.

Normally I feel things very deeply, and I can't stand people hurting or in pain, so this is a very unfamiliar sensation...

Does anyone have any insight into what might be going on?

Is this numbness normal, or am I actually a terrible daughter?

What do I do?

*upcoming not uncoming. Sorry.

It sounds like you may need some time to process before making any decisions. You may find visiting once helps put your mind at rest. You may be able to have contact with the hospital if she gives permission and maybe that message can be relayed. You haven't mentioned what stage she is at - knowing that may help you decide when to make contact.

, or whether to make contact.

Lovely, if it were me I’d be breaking out the bubbly. There’s nothing wrong by with you - it’s hard to feel much for someone with whom you’ve not had much of a relationship.

Do I get in touch and risk re-opening a real emotional Pandora's Box in our relationship? Or do I not... and deal with the emotional consequences of THAT?
I think I probably would - if you do then the worst case is that it confirms that you were right to go NC. But equally it might make things better AND you won't regret NOT having tried. It doesn't matter if you're doing it out of guilt, to make yourself feel better or to make her feel better. Just the doing it is what counts. It might make zero difference to both of you. It might make no difference to you but make the end for her easier. Or it might be happier endings all round. No-one knows. But if you don't try then nothing can change for the better. A tough one, but you have the opportunity to be the better person.

But...otoh...you risk taking off the plaster with the risk that you’ll not only re-open but add salt and gouge our a few new chunks. If you do decide to make contact (and it doesn’t make you the bigger person not a smaller person if you choose not to) ensure you have support systems in place for yourself.

She has chosen to live on this island. She could have chosen not to act in the ways she did.

FWIW I was not okay either about my FIL dying but it makes me no less empathetic or less caring as a person for feeling like I do even now regarding his passing. He was not a very nice person in life.

You have the right to feel whatever you feel. Numbness is how you've reacted. That's allowed.
You also have the right to react however you wnat to react. You can call or send a card or visit or do none of these.
Given your past, though, I'd make very certain that if you do choose to get in touch, you do so on your own terms with plenty of internal guidelines as to what you can and can;t put up with.

I think if it were my dad (who I'm not quite NC with but almost) I'd send a card with soem genuine wishes in and something like new PJs or slippers. You can be kind without having to get locked back in.