Why do I keep dreaming that he's cheating?!

[dreamcatcher2019]

Been with my OH for 3 years, in the beginning it was oddly perfect to the point everyone was so adamant we were made for each other etc.

I had never felt so confident in a relationship before, in terms of that he loved me, and that I could entirely trust him.

The last few months though, I feel that his interest in me has disappeared. We live together so we see each other every day, but we don't make any time for each other at all. I try to suggest things like before and he says he's too tired or we don't have money, but then he will be up all night doing other things or buying expensive (unnecessary) gadgets with our money for himself.

I've tried to speak to him about how I feel and he says I'm paranoid and insecure (which I guess I am?).

There are no signs that he's cheating, as in I mostly know where he is and to be honest he's mostly home but in a different room to me.

He is ALWAYS on his phone though, and gets very defensive if I even look at him (him, not the phone!) whilst he's on it.

I just constantly wake up in a panic from really realistic dreams that he's cheated on me, and I did this morning and honestly I can't shake it. Obviously I know this means nothing so I'm not going to say anything to him, but is it weird I keep dreaming like this? Has anyone else had these experiences?

I don't mean to sound like a total nutter here but these dreams can't be normal, my subconscious must really think something is going on???

Supposedly with dreams you need to focus on the feelings not the story line.

What is actually happening in terms of the plot/action isn't as important as the feelings. Your subconcious uses dreaming to resolve issues going on in the day.

If you feel worried about losing your job at work and feel vulnerable, then you might dream about being abandoned in a wood alone and having to get out - it's about the vulnerability- that type of thing.

Sounds like you are anxious about stuff with him generally and its an anxiety dream - but focus on how you are feeling in the dream and the emotions it is creating. In the dream are you upset? Angry? Anxious? Frightened he's going to leave you?

The emotion in the dream is the key to this not the fact of a dream about cheating which is a red herring.

Interestingly, this dream went like this:

Someone had told me they'd seen him with a woman so I asked, and as I prodded more I found out he'd taken her out for dinner (something me and him haven't done for ages - not that I need him to pay but just to agree to attend would be nice), and that they'd kissed.

And I remember being calm in the dream, until the conversation stopped and he seemed totally disinterested in it and that's what hurt me and I actually remember crying and screaming asking why he didn't care.

I realise this sounds so weird 😩 it's just really upset me to be honest I feel so rubbish and almost guilty for having the dream!

Ugh op I had dreams mine was cheating, I had never had any like that before. He was, I guess it was my subconscious warning me and I had noticed the signs but hadn't fully pieced it together. To be honest the phone thing sounds worrying.

I don't mean to scare you but for me , my dreams are always almost right. I had a dream one that my xbf walked past me with another woman and when I called him he ignored me and kept walking with her . Exactly a week later he left me for OW . This might not be the case for you in terms of your dreams but keep your ears in the ground, something might be off .

Holy fuck it's a dream!! Stop overthinking it. You sound like a maniac.

You could mention it and note his reaction, I didn't think it was anything at the time but I mentioned it and there was a flash of worry and then an over the top 'I'm sorry if I've made you think that'. Ugh. Like a mask slipping.

@dinkydolphin she doesn't sound like a maniac at all. The phone thing is a bit worrying and she has noticed him becoming distant. Yes dreams are often just a jumble but they can be things you have picked up on. I would never have said that a year ago but all of mine were true down to how he left. My mind hadn't caught up with the cues picked up.

I think the problems in your relationship are causing these dreams. You subconscious is aware that things aren’t going well and this is how it comes out in your sleep. The cheating itself is irrelevant and whether he is or isntdiesnt matter.

Oh these dreams are horrible.

I for some reason get them at the beginning of a relationship though. It's not so much the 'cheating' that hurt, it was the fact they just didn't seem to care.

I know this is a different situation, but I know how dreams can stay with you. It's really horrible.

In your case OP, I think something is up. Just because you dreamt he was cheating, doesn't mean that he is, but something is telling you that something isn't quite right and what you've described, I have to say, doesn't sound good.

Why is he annoyed when you look at him on his phone? Have you ever accused him? Has he been wrongly accused by an ex in the past? Just trying to possibly rule out reasons he may be sensitive to it, because as it stands, it does seem like a very strange response.

No I've never accused him of anything, I understand I sound crazy but I can't help my dreams and they're horrible! You'd question your dreams too if you kept having horrible dreams, I think calling me a maniac is a bit out of order actually.

Thanks for all the other replies though, I agree something isn't right.

Well I've had really crazy dreams over the years with no bearing on reality where my relations are different etc. However, it sounds like he's become distant and you are quite rightly worried.

You're not a maniac OP.

I think telling him about a specific dream and gauging his reaction is a good idea.

You're not a maniac at all, don't worry. Something is off, I heard it described as a 'temperature change' in the relationship on here, good description. Maybe not cheating but you are picking up on something.

I'm not an idiot, I know that just because I'm having dreams it doesn't mean he's cheating and that's why I wouldn't ever accuse him. I'm more worried and embarrassed of my own clear insecurities - but I do wonder if his behaviour is impacting the feelings I have.

Always being on his phone isn't a good sign.
Perhaps your dream (instincts) are spot on.
To call you paranoid and insecure is very defensive language - i.e. he should be reassuring you, not insulting you.

Sit down and talk to him.

I began having cheating dreams quite a bit and it turns out he was.

Haven't had one of those dreams since.

I had one dream that dh cheated. Turned out to be during an inappropriate friendship . He was very plausible when I mentioned it. I was shaken all day . Found out months later what had gone on.

Well don't be embarrassed, what has he got to be defensive about on his phone?

Forget the dream and think about the other things you've told us. He's distant and doesn't make time for you, he knocks you back when you suggest doing things together, he claims you can't afford to go out but then spends lots of money on things for himself, and he won't talk to you about your concerns, choosing instead to call you paranoid and insecure for thinking that there's something wrong. Even if he isn't cheating, he's clearly checked out of your relationship, hasn't he?

Insecurities are when you have no reason to be paranoid or suspicious, but you do! So don't be embarrassed. He might not be cheating, but he certainly isn't a catch either.

I would say these dreams are you subconscious screaming at you not to settle for this man because he's not good enough, beating or not.

Honestly, he sounds like a bit of a wanker and you deserve better. Deep down you agree!

Cheating not beating!!

Hmm, it's interesting. I'm going through a rough dry spell in the online dating scene, and a guy I was seeing ghosted me for no apparent reason. Since then, my dreams have been one big insecurity fest So I currently have dreams where I'm out with a guy, and he'll fancy my friend more than me, and so on.
So it can be very much a subconscious thing.
The other thing it could be is your instinct telling you something's not right. I used to have dreams about my (now ex!) husband cheating, and when I then checked his iPhone, you can imagine ....

OP I’m also here to disagree with you being a maniac. If things were otherwise ok then having bad dreams wouldn’t make you doubt the relationship. I think these at anxiety induced dreams resulting from you picking up that something isn’t quite right

If you confront him don’t tell him you had a dream, tell him someone told you they saw him out with a woman (like in your dream). He doesn’t need to know how you know.

I would start getting myself sorted to finish the relationship, it doesn’t sound pleasant. Also remove your money from the joint account, he is cheeky spending joint money on things for himself.