Doubts about getting married

[LemonJuiceandSugar]

I’ve been with dp eight years and we have a dd (6). I wanted to get married years ago but he wasn’t so keen (thought it was a waste of money, no point as we were already committed etc) and I made my peace with that.

Things have lost their shine a little since as always happens in long term relationships and last month dp took me my complete surprise by proposing. At first I was over the moon and said yes but - it just hasnt settled well in my mind. I’m happy with things as they are for now but just not sure I can hand on heart make a commitment to him for life. I would have done it in a heartbeat years ago but our relationship was better then.

I have now said that maybe we don’t need to and the conversation was hard and he didn’t take it well so now it feels like a zero sum game. I don’t want to break up but don’t think I want to get married either.

Any advice appreciated. I’m not sure what to do.

Don't get married if it doesn't feel right. For many years you didn't get married even though you wanted to because he didn't. So don't feel guilty that now you've changed your mind.

I was the same with an ex. Wanted to get married but by the time he proposed (after 8 years too)I was no longer in love and didn't feel right. I never regretted splitting up.

So maybe talk to him open and honestly and see if you can get back to a place where it feels right. He may have sensed that you were pulling away and that's his way of making sure you stay. If there are issues in your relationship then address those. It could be that you need to arrange more couple time or you need a fairer split in duties etc.

Legally and financially, would you be better off married or not?

Do that.

I know I sound like a cold hearted bitch. Probably because I am.

I know I sound like a cold hearted bitch. Probably because I am.
I'd call it being practical.

Normally on these threads I will shout loudly "don't marry if you aren't sure" but in this case it might be different.

You mention you have a DD. How much has your earning power suffered due to your motherhood compared to what it might have been if you had been childless? If you split up in 5 years time how financially stable would you be without any support from DP? Depending on your answers, it might be that you view it as you legally "catching up" with what you needed 7 years ago when DD was conceived. If your relationship lasts then that's great. If it doesn't then marriage will help to secure DD's future.

Marrying him when you know there's a good likelihood you'll get divorced, what, within a couple of years? Yeah that's cold.