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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know how to handle this with ex SIL

13 replies

Crimpety · 22/03/2019 22:43

We're all going away for a family holiday to celebrate my mum's birthday later this year. My brother divorced around 2 years ago, and I can't get away with his ex. She's obsessively clingy with their DD, to the point she doesn't let DD stay with him unless she's present. Therefore, they go on holiday together still, brother has very little time with his daughter without her being there, despite him being a wonderful father. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 18 and he's got an amazing relationship with him. His ex is extremely manipulative, looks down her nose at us all, is generally nasty about us all. We're generally just happy to have a civil, passive relationship with her as we wouldn't want to be mean to her face. He's just text to say that she wants to come on the holiday, otherwise she won't let their DD (5) come! He's very defensive of her. Under normal circumstances we will tolerate her and be pleasant, but WIBU to tell her actually this will spoil my mums birthday if she comes and to not invite her?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 22:44

He needs to get the court involved in this. She hasn't the right to act like this - he has the right to uninterrupted time with his daughter.

Lollypop701 · 22/03/2019 22:47

@HollowTalk
This. She is his daughter too, and he isn’t teaching her a healthy relationship dynamic.

Weenurse · 22/03/2019 22:48

YANBU it is your family holiday and she is no longer part of the family.
Agree with PP, brother needs to go to court

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/03/2019 22:52

For his DD sake he needs to bite the bullet and go to court. She will kick up A fuss about this, so he will need your support through it.

ConfCall · 22/03/2019 22:53

I feel sorry for the child, who's being used as a pawn by her mother and is probably being fed toxic nonsense about her father already. Your brother needs to go to court. The holiday is the least of his worries.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/03/2019 22:55

Your brother doesn't seem to have a problem with it. If he's defensive of her I fear you'll be pissing against the wind.

SandyY2K · 22/03/2019 23:28

Yep. Definitely go to court for your DB.

How did he allow her to have this kind of control to begin with ?

On divorce..the custody should have been sorted and they each see her on their own time.

What if your DB had a new partner? It's madness.

Original poster

Crimpety · 22/03/2019 23:39

Exactly, just. I can't go to court on his behalf. He just wants to see his DD as much as possible without causing shit. Believe me, if it was up to me she'd be in court. I despise her. My question is with regards to the trip

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 22/03/2019 23:41

It's difficult. If you bypass your brother and directly tell her to back off, it could cause major ructions between you and him.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2019 23:42

Your brother needs to grow some balls and go to court for proper access to his child.

Original poster

Crimpety · 22/03/2019 23:44

I agree. But I cannot force him to grow some balls.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 23/03/2019 07:29

If he won’t do anything about it, then you have a Choice of invite her and have dn - which db obviously wants as he’s text you- or put your dm first and tell db that you love dn very much but can’t allow the ex sil to ruin your mums birthday. This is not going away, she is 5 and if he lets this continue you could have another 15 years of this shit. He might as well of stayed married! You don’t have a ex sil issue per se. You have a db issue

rookiemere · 23/03/2019 07:47

Has your DM said it will spoil the holiday ?

Personally I'd stay out of it as much as you can. You can say to your DB that you would prefer it if ExSIL didn't come but as this is about your DM , then unless she's categorically said she doesn't want her there. then forcing the issue turns you into the bad guy.

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