Please be kind. Not in the strongest of places, but I'm interested in getting a generalised view of where both I and my relationship are now at:
Met DP around 10 years ago. We became friends through friends. He always struck me as a very generous and helpful man, always a good friend to everyone it seemed and very well liked. Everyone seemed to want to protect him, nobody ever had a had word to say about him, but he was always a bit scruffy and didn't seem to look after himself too well.
We started dating after a couple of years of being in the same friendship group and he seemed nice, although a little awkward around me. He had never had a girlfriend before.
We took it slowly at first, however I found myself pregnant after 6 months of dating after being wrongly advised on taking my new birth control. It was a huge decision but we decided to keep the baby. He told me I needed to move in with him as soon as possible (I think he was embarrassed that we were living seperately whilst expecting a child together.) I was renting with a friend at the time, so I agreed to move in and give things a go.
During the pregnancy, I became ill and was put on bed rest. DP seemed to continue his life as normal- going out with friends etc and I grew very lonely in a new area nowhere near to my closest friends anymore. I grew apart from my friends too as I was stuck in the house all the time. He also seemed to expect me to clean and tidy up after him as he did none of it himself. He seemed very dis-interested at times and also very selfish and I thought I was going mad as everyone loves him!
His friends seemed to then grow to dislike me, as if I'd taken him away or something. He told me it was all in my head. (It wasnt)
Baby was born and I was struck down with terrible PND. I felt v resentful of DP whose life hadn't seemed to have changed as much. I didn't feel he was on my team. His mother became very demanding of me. DP seemed to have no understanding or empathy. The plans we had made to marry when the baby arrived got conveniently forgotten after giving DS his surname. I tried speaking to DP about how I was feeling etc but I felt rejected and unheard. I stayed as I was determined to make it work.
3 years later, I had made new friends, started my own business and was doing very well. DP and I were still together and getting along much better (although not perfectly) when I was told that my fertility was very much at risk due to large fibroids and endometriosis. I was told that it would only decline more and more as time went on so DP and I decided to have a second child together (I know what you're all thinking, but I couldn't risk never having any more children ever). We talked about it at length and about how DP could better support us emotionally this time. He was fully on board it seemed.
Our second child has brought some rough challenges for us. He is now 1 year old. But DP has completely checked out emotionally and I really dislike him. He is selfish and it seems he sees opportunity in my misfortune, such as being stuck at home breastfeeding in those early days and he would see it as limitless childcare for both DCs whilst he pleased himself. Even on my birthday. He left me at home with them alone when DC2 was just a few weeks old and I'd asked him to stay at home with us. But he seemed to sweep my feelings aside as if they were a nuisance to his plans.
He was much more hands on with DC1, but has switched off with DC2. I resent him and feel constantly irritated by his strange, repetitive ways and rut-like, de-motivated existance.
But everyone loves him and has no idea what he is like at home.
I work for myself but my income is a little unpredictable, I also want to have the flexibility to spend time with DCs whilst they are young, but I rely on his income to enable this.
He's a loving father, but a little switched off I guess. He adores his boys however.
I feel like he sees me as the house maid, live in childcare and not much else. I don't feel valued and I my feelings are not considered important.
There has been no more talk of marriage and to be fair, I don't think it would be right anyway, theres not much love here afterall.
But I know I'm vulerable from a financial point of view and I know I'm not happy with him.
Please don't judge me for the situation I am now in... I just want to know what you might do in my shoes? And any words of encouragement or support would be good too.