He knew it was our anniversary but didn’t do anything

[Lolly2019]

Hi all,

So for weeks now the topic of our 10 year anniversary as been coming up, by me mostly. I’ve suggested on several occasions that we should do something special and go away. Very quickly the conversation seems to blow over. He knew weeks before that I also booked it off work. So our anniversary was yesterday. As nothing was arranged I just got him a card and a present. I hid them as I wanted to see if he walked through the door with something when he got back from work. He didn’t! :( so I didn’t give him his stuff that I got him. I’m more hurt at the fact he knew but didn’t bother!! 10 years !!! It’s even worse as just under a week ago I fell out with All of my family, for good reason I might add. He knows that this by itself has really upset me and I’m hurting because of the circumstances. I thought he would have tried to do something nice for me to cheer me up. Instead I’ve sat here like a grumpy old lady all day, shead a few secret tears and smoked like a chimney.

Feeling very upset :(

You need to be telling him not us!

Im sorry he forgot thats shit you need to tell him though. Why didn't you book anything ?

Does he have form for this? Or is he the sort that doesn't do much for anniversary/valentines/birthdays?

My DH isn't very romantic and I was so disappointed getting nothing on our first Valentine's Day. Turns out I didn't tell him I wanted anything, therefore he didn't do anything (not much experience with girlfriends!). Now we decide in advance that we will book a nice meal/weekend away/event etc, no surprises but no disappointment.

If you wanted to go away, could you have booked it? Or planned it together?

It's your joint anniversary, not your birthday. It isn't just down to him to make plans. Neither is it just down to you, but if you can't communicate and decide together to either do something or not and plan it together then... this is what happens.

Sorry you feel rubbish though 🍷

Did you ask him why?

How is he usually with anniversaries?

I can understand the disappointment, but not everyone is on the same page when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries etc.

When you said you'd been talking about it - was he genuinely aware, part of the discussion AND aware of exactly which day you were talking about?

What does the bigger picture look like? If he's generally a good guy, happy marriage etc then I would be upfront and explain that you were disappointed and would like you both to make a plan to celebrate 10 years. Then don't stay mad about it!

If this is just another straw type thing then you still need to be upfront but (assuming theres nothing actually leave-worthy going on) also make some plan to sort your relationship rather than focus on the anniversary (counselling, date nights, setting aside talking time etc).

I don't think this is the time for mind games. If you got him something then you should have given it to him, at least then you'd have just cause for being on your high horse. I have been married for 15 years and ime if you expect men to take a hint you'll be waiting a long time

It's your joint anniversary, not your birthday. It isn't just down to him to make plans. Neither is it just down to you, but if you can't communicate and decide together to either do something or not and plan it together then... this is what happens.

This ^
If you want to do something for your joint anniversary (and personally I think this applies to birthdays too), then have that conversation with him. "I would like to go away - there's nothing on the calendar at the moment. I've found X, Y, and Z - which would you like me to book ? Or do you want me just to surprise you with the details?"

I've no sympathy for the daft games you are playing 'I got him a present but hid it and now am not giving it him' If you want to give someone a present - give it them with love. If you don't, then don't, but don't play stupid games.

If you wanted a trip away why didn't you book it?

How is petulance and passive aggressive games working out for you? It isn’t, yeah, that’s because keeping your mouth shut and game playing aren’t recocognised as healthy or effective means of communication.

I understand the hurt of not being prioritised and you are not the first woman to take this pointless sort of action but moving forward, you need to be clear about your expectations.

You are clearly upset as you dropped hints but he didn't pick up on them or simply wasn't interested.

Not everyone feels the same about events such as birthdays and anniversaries but it sounds to me as if this was more about him making an effort than the anniversary itself?

However you will not make things better by being passive aggressive and not giving him your present. You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. He won’t know otherwise.