Is this me being Insecure or something else?

[HaplessRomantic]

I've been feeling jealous of a friendship my girl friend has with a male work colleague.

I let this get the better of me and I snooped on her phone and saw some messages between them that made me very concerned.

She was referring to him by a nick name and it looked too flirty to be just a work mate as there was a lot of big xxx's in the text and smiley faces etc (when she's normally very reserved with her texts) In the text she was arranging to meet him to go and meet other workmates for a daytime work event.

She told him she'd meet him outside the toilets in a big department store near where the social was as she needed to rush to the toilet.

His response to her text was something like
''It's ok, I'll come into the cubicle with you and watch...ha ha, ha ha XXX'

her response was something like 'ha ha, very funny XXX'

As he's always texting and she talks about him a lot I mentioned this text exchange and that I thought there was more to it than a friendship.

Her view was that they joke around a lot, that he's like that with everyone. I pressed her and she said that yes they talk about sex and other stuff because that's what he's like and she talks to him about that kind of thing as he's her friend so what's the problem.

I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her friendship and she told me that I needed to deal with it as it was going to make her anxious everytime I mentioned him....she then got angry and told me that if I didn't trust her then there's no point in our relationship and we should just end it.

Am I being unreasonable and insecure or just really naive?

What works in some relationships doesn't work in others

If you dint like this friendship or think it's more and she wont end it. Your choice is stay and accept it or leave.

We've been together for 20 years and have two children together - this is the first time she's had a close male work mate....It does feel odd though.

Please dont fall into the trap of dictating to a gf/bf how they ought to behave socially.

Relationships, especially at the beginning, are a process of getting to know someone. This girl is showing you what she thinks is ok and acceptable in a relationship, and you dont agree with her. You now know this side of her. So vote with your feet - leave the relationship if what she thinks is ok isnt ok with you. Dont try to renovate her into the ideal gf, she will be more compatible with someone else, as will you. Plenty more fish in the sea.

FWIW, this wouldn't bother me, but I am very rarely jealous and my dp has many female friends with whom no topics are off limits. I have a Male friend who I also chat to about anything and the banter can come off as risque at times. It's meant to be funny but not everyone would perceive it that way. Horses for courses, my dp and I are happy, you need to be with someone with whom you can easily feel secure and contented.

Telling another person how to run their social affairs is controlling, sorry. Healthy love is never controlling.

Just saw you are together 20 years with kids. Then you know her well already and this behavior is out of character?

This behaviour is out of character yes, I've no issue with her having a close friend that's male - but when he's always flirty with her and always full of innuendo banter it makes me uncomfortable.

It makes me even more insecure that she got angry and told me that our relationship would be over if I thought that there was anything going on.

We've been together for 20 years and have two children together

Goodness, that's a major drip feed.

I would not be happy with my DP flirting and talking about sex with a colleague. Bottom line.

Flirting and sexual talk would be overstepping the mark for me

Yes OP it is weird, have you thought about asking her about it? Asking her to tone it down. Theres a large difference between having friends of the opposite sex with whom you can talk about certain topics- not sure on what planet that involves flirting and joking about watching one another in the toilet/seeing genitals.

She's emotionally controlling you OP with the threat of leaving , if she were Male people would be saying so. I realise the situation is hurtful and upsetting but I would absolutely call her bluff. As her partner of 20 years and father to her children if she would prefer to flirt and discuss sex with this guy at work and will not act with respect towards you then call her bluff, tell her that perhaps it is best to end it if this is what's going on. I bet she won't want to because she wants both.

If theres nothing in it and they are great pals then theres no reason he can't pop over for dinner is there, I'd invite him. He won't come, she won't want him to and its pretty obvious why. If that's wrong and you can all socialise as friends then there is no issue. Try and find some control OP, you don't sound naive tbh she sounds like a cliched emotional affair in the making.

She sounds defensive.

My response would be to let her crack on and disengage. Start focusing on yourself. Get your social life active and put yourself in a position to leave the relationship if you need to.

If you depend or rely on her to do certain things for you, start doing them yourself.

I'm not sure if your children are young, but if you aren't hands on with them..you need to start now. Spend quality time with them... do fun activities with them. Show an interest in their school work etc.

A lot of dads leave these things to the mum, so it's easier for them to not be missed quite as much if they don't interact with their DC much.

Do these things for yourself and your DC... not as a means of getting her attention, although that may happen and she'll start feeling insecure or worried about your change in behaviour.

She's minimising her behaviour, but I also think you confronted too quickly. I'd have waited to see more concrete evidence and not something that can be passed off as a joke or banter.