Worried about telling ex h I have a new man

[IndieTara]

I'm after some advice and general thoughts I suppose.
I've been seeing somebody since January and it's going really really well but I'm a bit worried about telling ex h.
The reason I need to tell him is because DD knows about the new man and before you all jump on me for introducing a new man too soon, I haven't. This is somebody I've known for 15 years and DD has known him ( although not well ) for approx 4 yrs

Ex h is always asking DD if mummy has a boyfriend. The last time I was in a long term relationship, 2.5 yrs up to July 2016. Ex h made my life a misery and DD's too. He called my then DP a paedophile, told DD never to be in a room alone with him, talk to him, accept food from him etc. Then DP was a teacher both for kids and also offenders so high DBS clearance.

It ended in violence with ex h punching DP while DD was there and the police being called. After that he also refused to hand DD over to me on the days I'd usually have her.
This led to a court case and a court order that's still in place.

Now DD knows ( she guessed I didn't tell her ) I know full well ex h will be the same about it. I can handle him but DD is worried about what he'll say to her. So I need to tell ex h as if he finds out from DD there'll be hell to pay.
There'll probably be hell to pay anyway! Ex h has a girlfriend, DD knows and loves her and stays at her house often. I've never made a fuss about it as she seems a nice woman. Even tho ex h introduced DD to her after a couple of months

Unfortunately ex h thinks rules for me are different. How can I try to minimise the damage he will cause and the upset he will cause DD about this.

I've tried walking on Eggshells in the past and I've tried being blunt and direct but nothing makes a difference.

Sorry that was so long

Have you contacted the police, Re domestic violence? I would maybe contact them and asked them what they recommend you do to help prevent any issues. Maybe woman’s aid to help your daughter deal with the issues your ex will put her through.

How old is your daughter? How long have you been separated for? Is your current DP ready for the enslaught of the ex?

DD is 10 we've been split for 7 yrs and divorced for 5.
Yes new man is ready but I really don't want it to get to that

You can't continue to be controlled like this. His previous behaviour in punching your ex DP (in front of your DD) was awful.

I think your DD could do with counselling. Speak to her school about it and explain the situation.

It's not appropriate for him to be asking her about your love life either. It puts her under pressure. I'd really be asking your DD not to say anything to him, as you want to do so yourself.

I'd also try and seek professional advice (like women's aid) about it, because him involving your DD is really abusive behaviour.

Is the court order against Ex H?

She's had counselling but if he won't change his behaviour I'm not sure it helps much

And I don't want to tell DD she can't say anything, it shouldn't be her burden. And if she slips up it will also make her feel worse.

Over the years I've realised I can't change his views or behaviour and I can choose how I react. But DD is only 10

No advice, just

I’m still in the middle of my divorce but soon to be ex H has acted similarly— right down to the ‘double standards’ rules

Hoping for the best for you!

Thanks @ChocAuVin I feel your pain for you too

As she is 10 she is old enough for you to prep her a bit. That ex will get upset over your new partner. That she is to say talk to mom. That she can’t do anything g about it. To walk away. Or to call you and pick you up. She doesn’t have to confront him but she is old enough to help herself if that makes sense. That is where counseling will help her. To deal with the emotions of him acting out. It will happen and you know it. It’s important for her to have a neutral third party to vent, discuss and get advice from. They may have good strategies to help.

With that distance between from the separation and divorce I would contact the police regarding any acting out for a no contact/harassment order. I would pre-call and advise what happen last time and ask for any and all advice advising you are fearful for you daughter, your partner and yourself due to past history. They should be helpful!

In theory yes but she already knows what her dad will be like and I'm not sure she's strong enough to 'stand up to him'
She's asking me not to tell him at all

The way he reacted last time is the reason we now have a court order

What a control and jealous freak your exH. If there's a court order in place from the last time, I'd double dare him to repeat his shameless act this time round and see if Wandsworth prison wouldn't be welcoming him with open gates. Idiot!

He has no time for the court order and every time I 'invoke it' he ignores anyway,

I know I'm going to have to be no nonsense with him and spell out what will happen if he doesn't behave