Marital issues and religious differences

[Improve12]

My husband is of Islamic faith and I'm not. I think his abuse is probably more to do with upbringing but there has been some religious disrespect and I need help dealing with it.
I was organising some things on a table, which had a gift for our kid from me purchased by mum when she was away. It also had some decoration I bought online (still in the package clearly unused). My husband threw the decoration in the bin although I said the table is currently a work station. He also threw the expensive gift my mum bought. I asked him about it because I specifically asked her to purchase this item and I was going to pay her back. I said we'd have to reimburse her (she is retired). Then he kept being insulting and he was like, "how much was it? 1 dollar?" and he was just laughing the whole time. I was crying when I realised it was gone and he knows that. It was culturally significant. He also threw the first gold jewellery my child owned purchased by her. Throws the food she cooked sometimes when I was on mat leave in the bin making my job harder. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. When I was working full time, he backed off to some extent.
I was watching the NZ coverage which included Islamic prayer and was so heartbroken after the above binning that I started playing religious music softly to reflect. he was in bedroom at other end of house during this time. then he said he closed his eyes and was w*nking to my religious music. Then he was like 'what do you expect me to say when you are playing that crap?" he went onto grab a bag and start throwing things belonging to LO and I in the bin.
Now he has left the house to get something. He is always very rude and I feel sick about it. I have no issues participating in his cultural activities but he avoids my things like the plague. His family is very arrogant and have been horrible to me. I disengage and am not into conflict. However, the sarcasm and my disappearing possessions are very hurtful. What can I do? Is this normal in mixed race marriages?

No its not normal. He sounds utterly shit. What is keeping you from leaving?

This is not about religious differences. This is about your husband being a controlling dick and they come in every shape and size. His religion or "cultural origin" has nothing to do with it.

As a Muslim I can assure you your husband is just plain disrespectful and emotionally abusive to say the least...

This is completely the opposite of what his faith should teach him and beware of him hiding behind his faith to justify it as valid “difference”.

Happy to discuss this more privately.

Why are you still with him?
He's horribly abusive to you and your poor DD.
Why are you allowing this to continue?
Please contact Womens Aid and get them to help you with an exit plan.
This is an awful relationship to model to your DD.
Just re-read your opening post.
Think of it as your DD writing this when she's older.
What is your advice?

Just make plans to leave.
No-one should live like this.

Absolutely nothing to do with religion/ religious differences. That man is full of shit. What are you still doing with him?

I'd be throwing him next in the bin if he tried throwing any of my belongings in the bin. He's abusive OP, start seeking advice from relevant authorities, you're better than the w*nker .... literally.

Please don’t blame religion .. he is a total. A-hole! Do NOT stay in this relationship! He is abusing you and your kid and if he is a practising muslim he will know hand on heart what he is doing is wrong!

A muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian woman and her remain a Christian under islamic law.

Your husband is unfortunately a rude and ignorant man one of many raised only to learn their religion in a language they do not understand, so they have no real knowledge or Islam, & probably been to a mosque that promotes the requirements of women in Islam. It is an antiquated way of learning that was predominant when far more people were illiterate, there is no excuse for this in modern times.

Culture here is also an issue as certain cultures can't differentiate between it and religion regardless of whether it is halal or not.

Get out whilst you can

This has nothing to do with religion. Your husband is abusive and controlling. Is there any reason you're still with him? Because in your shoes I'd be leaving. Sorry this is happening to you.

No it isn't normal, my mother is married to a hindu who is very respectful of our whole family and of the religious differences.
This man is just abusive plain and simple.

Hanab - interesting point.

Do they know they are doing wrong though, in certain cultures/races where this is the norm?

I am not saying this applies to all muslims by any means but in certain races of muslims and again it is not all.

I live in a large muslim community and even today women who deal with these men struggle to get divorces/talak from the shariah courts as they rule in the man's favour despite Islamic law & I could tell u sone horror stories. Women are now over riding their local mosques and using a national hotline to get advice on islamic law in these matters.

Thanks for your input. I told him the behaviour is illegal and that either he needs to respect my belongings or if he cant coexist then he has the option of leaving. He says that well till I engage authorities and have him removed that he can pretty much carry on. I don't like having police come through a house with children to remove him. He has thrown my religious items in the bin before also. Lately the behaviour is more full on and he can be absent from home sometimes. He barely spends on us and we don't have access to money. I don't earn much at all at the moment. I haven't had the time to put in work because he doesn't help with child rearing. He will entertain but even then, he is mostly on his phone and using tv screen time as the entertainer :(. I feel like he probably wants to divorce and is indirectly putting pressure to make me do it. Could it be? Is it because he made a decision his people were against and he doesn't want to be responsible for the failure? Today he told me how both his parents didn't approve of me. He said it in a way like...they must be right as opposed to.. ok they are unfair to you. They have done unspeakable things to me. Perhaps he has someone lined up and doesn't want people in the community to look down on him for his lack of family values turning his back on wife and offspring. I'm unsure but I feel indirect pressure to split up in an unrecoverable way (that is. getting authorities involved)

The major issue with these types of men is that they spew that under the umbrella of religion they can do the things they do .. unfortunately it is not religion but cultural customs .. the lines have blurred and they think culture & tradition is religion. They need to be re-educated and unfortunately again they are set in their ways of their parents and grand parents & also to some extent feel that the family way is the only way.

Oneday read up on Islam or listen to scholars explain Islam. ( mufti Menk or Nouman ali to name a couple) You will then undertand how culture clouds over religion. Hope that makes sense ..

Last but not least Some men think with other parts of their anatomy and its got nothing to do with religion culture or upbringing .. just Egoism

Awww improve I think he is very emotionally abusive. This sounds very toxic.

Improve, I come from a religiously practicing family, and my brother chose to marry outside our faith. I was very upset about it initially and so was my parents, because we didn’t know what would be the result of a multi-faith marriage in a country where our faith is a minority. but we couldn’t dream at all to be disrespectful or hurtful to her and I would on no planet accept my brother be abusive to her... with enough respect we even grew to love and appreciate her. And even though she practices things that are against my faith, we manage to look past these differences and appreciate all the good things it brings.

It did help that we went to a visit to an imam and asked him how we can approach a multifaith marriage in a respectable way and to my surprise the sheikh drew a very clear line about how involved we should be and shouldn’t be, and we needed to hear that...

I say this not to give you hope in your relationship, but to tell you that this seems to be your husbands character. He doesn’t have respect for women in general... whatever woman he has lined up she is a poor sod..

You need to leave him. He isn’t right for you. If you are worried about the implications of this on you and your daughter within the his community I’m not a qualified person but I am happy to discuss with you in private.

You will be fine believe me. You need to not blame your differences for his behaviour.

I dont see how this is to do with dorreremce in religion . I dont undestand why he is throwing things away ?

This is abuse.

Get a solicitor and get yourself a path out of this marriage.

Culture or religion does not excuse his behavior.

Op also beware of him trying to cause a wedge between you and your mum to isolate you.

Tell him that in his religion, a mothers status is so high regardless of her faith.. and if he disrespects your mother absolutely take her side.

Having said that I don’t know if you are in danger of domestic violance, he sounds capable.. don’t let him make you feel isolated and as I said until you get the courage to leave him which you absolutely should, try reach out to religious leaders in his community and stay in touch with your own family too..

Don’t feel ashamed even if you had received advice not to marry him in the past and went on. Don’t feel you have to cover up for his behaviour to not validate any islamophobic remarks if that’s what happened.. this is simply his character and his family are enabling this because they’re hoping to split you up not because they think he is doing it right.