Stop supporting friend in abusive relationship

[irnbruforlife]

It sounds horrible but I'm possibly at the end of my tether. Part of a group of 6 friends, two couples and two single. One couple is DFriend and husband. It is a typical abusive relationship, financially, emotional etc etc. The husband is very aggressive and will smash stuff up but never actually hit df as far as I'm aware. Husband is nice to other people and is on good terms with everyone else in friendship group who all say both are as bad as each other/he can't be that bad as she keeps going back. Nobody else really gets involved so to keep the peace. I didn't realise until about 5 years ago. Df has left her husband several times and in the last 4/5 years has relied on me for support which I have done so immensely at some personal cost. I don't talk to the dh at all now as he is a horrible misogynistic aggressive dick. Df left her husband again last month and again supported her, really thought it was the final time as he became physically threatening towards her resulting in her going to the police. However she has just got back with him and I'm pretty much pushed out of our friendship group. Not so much pushed out maybe but I wont go to anything when the husband is there because I don't want to be in his company. So I've kinda ostracized myself. It's quite galling to see df and her husband 'enjoying' themselves out with our friends and I can't go. But I'm now at the stage where I want to be say to her that next time she leaves she can't call me for support. I no longer want to be involved. But I'd feel terrible as I know she only has me and her mum.

I have a friend a simpler position
Doesn't matter what you you say they always have an answer.

I'm beginning to think they just complain to get attention

Take a step back op

Its probably mentally easier for you to step back and let her reach rock bottom

I find it very hard when she is on the phone crying or at my house upset because of the way he treats her. Is there a less horrible way of saying please don't contact me when you are in that situation because I don't want to get involved anymore? Its not that I don't care but my own partner is annoyed at me for getting involved as he predicted this would happen but I felt in the past I couldn't ignore her when she reached out for help. I still see her as we are in a few hobby groups together so want to remain friendly/civil for these but I just don't want drawn into her sad circumstances anymore. J understand the psychology behind it why she keeps going back but don't know what else to do.

When is rock bottom? Its rock bottom every time she calls me in tears after she's left him. But she always eventually goes back to him.

As long as she has people to turn to, to vent to, to run to, she does not have to face the situation she is in. It's probably instinctual on her part but you also have to take into account your own emotional wellbeing.

So next time she calls, I would say 'I love you and I want you to be happy but I have already said everything I can about this. I have nothing more to give. We will always be friends but I can't be involved in your relationship any more.'

It can be easier and feel safer to stay with/return to an abuser. If you live with them, you know their mood, you can (attempt to) manage it. You know where they are and that they feel satisfied that they're in control of you, so you can return home reasonably confident he's not hiding in the alley with a butcher knife today. You don't need to scan your street or the school gate street before unlocking your car door and getting out. Many partner murders actually occur during the process of physically leaving or legally divorcing.

Honestly, it's really not as easy as "just leaving" and "just leaving" is often not the end of the abuse but the beginning of a new torture.

Child arrangements. The courts very often hand the children over to utterly unsuitable abuser exs, often unsupervised and for extended overnight, even 50/50 if he's a really plausible guy.

I completely understand your predicament, OP, and you've got to put yourself and your wellbeing first (put the mask on yourself first etc). Dont let HIM push you away from your friends. He'll be doing that quite intentionally to cut off your friend's last escape route completely.

Is it 5 attempts, on average, before a victim escapes an abusive partner?

You're in an impossible situation - it's awful I know, but stepping back and not supporting her anymore really is your only option here. It must be so hurtful to feel pushed out of a friendship group after everything you've done, but quite frankly - screw them. You deserve better friends. Time to start looking outward and to try some new things. Get in touch with any dear old friends you've lost contact with over the years. Invite an acquaintance you'd like to get to know better out for a coffee. Basically give your social life a spring clean and sweep out the dead wood.

This woman, and the others in the friendship group, have treated you appallingly. You don't owe her, or them, anything.

She's left him more than 5 times. It's more nearer 15 tbh. I think I will try to respond as suggested. Prob best to find new friends as I wont ever be able to be in her husband company without feeling full of contempt for him.

And I have huge compassion for women in abusive relationships. It takes seven attempts on average for a woman to leave. But you have gone above and beyond to support her, and now you are suffering as a result of the abuse. Protect yourself, look after yourself - step away entirely.

If at some point in the future she leaves him again and turns to you for support, you can still help her, but make sure you have healthy boundaries in place.

15 times?! There's nothing you can do anymore. It's down to her now.

I know it isn't the same thing, so not a great analogy, but if she was an alcoholic or displaying other 'addictive' behaviour, you'd be advised to let her get to her 'rock bottom' because every time you'd been there to support and build her back up again, it would just be enabling her to repeat the cycle. In this case (I.e being a victim of domestic abuse rather than being an alcoholic), you've been there to confirm what she knows she needs to do, but you're fighting a losing battle because you're also fighting against the abuser's influence over her.

Absolutely step back, and let her know why, with the same kind of compassion that you've shown her previously. But be firm. If you haven't already, leave contacts & info for domestic abuse support and Women's Aid. Your decision may be the message she needs to hear. And it doesn't mean you won't be on 100% on hand if/when she finally does leave him. Does she have other friend/family support who know what's going on? You could let them know what you're doing too so you know she does have other people looking out for her. Or could you speak to the police (I expect she would have to do that for them to take action. Other posters might know if this is a useful avenue).

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, I feel for her as much as you; I've been in similar situations and i know how draining it can be. I hope she finds the strength and sense to leave but you are entitled to some self-preservation.

You can probably socialise with the same circle of friends. Just give him a very wide berth. You can be cordial in his company even if you can't stand him. Don't cut off ties with all your other friends because of him.