Depressed Dp

[Sharkirasharkira]

I’m in a bit of a tough situation with Dp.

He has depression and anxiety, has done for many years before he met me. He was honest and up front about all this when we first met and initially I didn’t think it would be as much of an issue, however I’m finding as time goes on he seems to be getting worse and I’m finding it hard to deal with. He has increased his medication and lost his sex drive. He is withdrawn and doesnt really want to go outside or socialise. I tried to talk to him yesterday and he just completely shut down, went silent and refused to speak to me. I don’t think he does this to be nasty or give me the silent treatment I think he just genuinely can’t cope with the conversation but I don’t think I can maintain a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t communicate with me about issues we have.

When he is having a good day he is wonderful, kind, caring, generous, funny and we have a lot in common. There are so many good things about him but I don’t ever feel like I’ve met the ‘real’ him because the depression is getting in the way. I feel like he could be such a good long term partner but for the depression, unfortunately the way it manifests in him is quite incompatible with what makes me happy. I find I am frustrated with him but I feel guilty for feeling this way when I know it is something he can’t control.

Should I be patient with him and give him some time to work on himself without expecting too much? What if it never improves? I feel like I’ve spent some many years in limbo, being in love with previous partners who were abusive in various ways and Dp definitely is not. I don’t believe he is the kind of man who would ever intentionally mistreat me, which makes him a huge upgrade from previous partners, but is that enough?

Just to complicate things, we are currently living together and I can’t afford to move out as I have a new job and my start date has been delayed. I can’t stay with friends or family as no one has room for me, equally so I can’t stay with Dp if I feel it’s not working just to have a place to stay. What should I do?!

How long have you been together? If you haven’t seen him when he’s not depressed then it’s difficult to gauge how much of his behaviour is caused by depression and how much of it is his personality. Shutting down and refusing to speak to you is worrying behaviour, depression or not, and I would question how else he might deal with situations he perceived as difficult further down the line.

Could you deal with him as he is now for potentially the rest of your life?

He isn’t ready for a relationship. He clearly needs to work on his state of mind and it sounds like you might be a bit of a sticking plaster. You are not responsible for his happiness. Just because you don’t think he’s abusive doesn’t mean it’s the right relationship. I think you’ve set the bar very low there. If it were me I would walk away. You sound like a kind person and deserve to be happy. Don’t spend your life in the shadow of somebody’s unhappiness.

It's only been about 6 months and he was actually hospitalised not long before we met so I realise he has some serious stuff to work through. He was honest about this and told me he wasn't sure if he was ready but I was willing to try.

The not talking really bothers me. I don't know how to deal with it because to me, not talking doesn't solve anything it just prolongs the problem. It hurts me that he won't open up to me but I realise that people deal with things differently so maybe I'm being unreasonable in expecting him to do things that way.

When we first met things were different but no I don't think I could stay like this indefinitely, much as I really like him. I hate to feel like I'm abandoning him in his time of need but honestly, I'm tired of emotionally supporting someone that much. I've done it for so many years and I just want someone to support me for a change. I also think dp is not in a position to do that for me right now. It's not his fault but for obvious reasons he needs to concentrate on his own issues.

I'm tired of emotionally supporting someone that much. I've done it for so many years and I just want someone to support me for a change.

Yes, of course. It doesn’t sound like he’s capable of supporting you. Which isn’t his fault, but it’s not much good when you’ve had difficult relationships in the past and you understandably just want some focus on YOU. You deserve some special treatment.

The shutting down and not talking to you must be horrible. I know it is because I’ve been in a relationship like that myself and it was agonising. It’s very unfair.

You’re not abandoning him in his time of need. You’ve tried to help him and now you’re prioritising yourself which is the most important thing. Only he can help himelf in his time of need and, if anything, sticking around is potentially not helping him because he doesn’t have any reason to help himself. If you’d been together six years I’d probably say something different, but at six months this really isn’t your problem.

If he’s serious about a relationship with you then he will work on himself and contact you again in the future, when he feels ready for an equal relationship. At the moment he is draining you and not offering a lot in return, as I understand it.

With regards to living matters, can you rent a room for a few months until you are in a position to move into your own place?

@CloudsCloudsClouds yes to all of that. I think I'm just tired of being the strong one in a relationship and doing all the physical and emotional work. Dp is great with sharing chores and stuff but emotionally I don't get much out of him and sad as it makes me I need more.

At the moment I really can't afford anything, I was in a shared house and could only afford that going forward but I have no savings, no money for a deposit, nothing. Terrible credit so I can't borrow anything. In a way I think I'd be better staying here as a friend because then I won't expect too much from him but then I don't know if he'd want me to stay if we are not together - if that's the case I have nowhere else to go

I'm just tired of being the strong one in a relationship and doing all the physical and emotional work.

Of course you are. I feel for you

Do your friends and family realise how difficult your situation is? Is it possible they would make room for you if you explained all of this to them?

What’s the situation at the moment? Are you paying him rent? Have you been loaning him money? How did you come to live together so soon?

My friends all have their own families so they really can't accommodate me, which I completely understand. No family living anywhere near me, they are all many hours away from me.

I've just had to buy a new vehicle for work so I've already borrowed money for that which I need to pay back ASAP. I used all my meagre savings paying for a deposit on a room last year after exdp kicked me out. I became depressed and suicidal after that and had to be signed off work, I couldn't afford my rent on SSP so dp offered for me to move in. I'm paying the bills but can't afford much more ATM as I've literally just gone back to work. Only been living together for a month or so.

The living situation was always intended to be temporary though, we both felt it was too soon for it but he did it to help me out so that I could save for a new place, which I really appreciate but in a way I now feel like I owe him a bit.

If you really can’t stay with family then I would save like mad and leave as soon as you’re able to. See what you’re entitled to, you may be able to get some housing benefit to top up your income.

I know the arrangement you have probably seems easier as you don’t think he treats you too badly, but in the long run the incompatibility, shutting down and emotional unavailability will drain the life out of you. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem like you’ve had many good relationships so there’s nothing to compare it to. A relationship should feel safe, loving, secure, warm, fun. It shouldn’t be so bleak, especially not at this early stage.

I made the mistake of moving from one abusive man to another abusive man who was also a depressive and would shut down. I stayed with him because I thought he was less abusive than the first one, and I thought I could rescue him. I had no idea what a good relationship looked like and was afraid to be alone with no money. I left it eventually, a shadow of my former self.

I know you don’t think this man would intentially mistreat you but a lot of what you say is quite similar to how my ex was at the beginning of our relationship. Some of what you say rings alarm bells and it concerns me that you’re dependent on him financially, and for a home, so early on. You’re in a vulnerable position. Just... be careful.