6 month relationship guy just moved abroad, should I take space or stay in touch?

[KatDubs261]

I was seeing a guy for about 6 months. Fell in love with him and the relationship was positive for me in many ways. He motivated and pushed me to start pursuing my passions again and overall our time together was uplifting/romantic.

But he is 4 years younger and in his 20s and I knew from the beginning that he was itching to try living in another country (we met in his homecity). I've previously done an LDR which was very tough & said I didn't want to do it again - especially as he has no idea when he'll return. So we agreed to stay in touch as friends and he said he'd like to visit each other.

He left yesterday and contacted me this morning, but I feel very upset. Like he's actually gone and I'll miss him terribly. I've also realised he'll eventually meet other women and want to date them. It's hard to think i wont see him anymore. Should I step back from contact for now?

After six months you will be feeling very sad. Stay friends but no more. Maybe hide his social media for a bit. Get out and meet new people.

Thanks Cora. I have gradually been making plans with new people as well as current friends.

It's very hard. Partly because we had a great connection that I really don't find often romantically. He's been contacting me loads all morning, so I guess he must miss me. But I'll need to put some space between us. The problem is every time I try to I fail! I need a technique or something.

So how did you leave it - that you've split up? That he's coming back in a month to visit and plans to stay with you? That you're going to try the whole LDR thing? Or was nothing said? I think you need to decide what you want. I've had this situation myself and it's really, really hard. The thing that helped was deciding on what the separation meant and then acting on it. We tried to keep things going for a few months, but it held us both back. He couldn't throw himself into his new life and I couldn't move on either. You need closure of some kind, or a commitment from him that you'll continue to see one another regularly and both make an effort, but if he's move OS with no end date in sight then it's probably better to end it, rather than allow it to drag on, dying slowly, for months.

We basically broke it off, reluctantly, with the aim of being friends and see what happens in the future. He just said let's visit each other. Which is fine, but I also do want to have a relationship with someone in the future. He left last night, we chatted briefly this morning and he's been sending photos from the new location...

I have also done LDR and it was very hard as I was more devoted and after 5 months he cheated with someone else. That is one reason I am reluctant. I love him but also recognise he is younger and needs to get travelling and perhaps dating other women out if his system. When I was his age 4 years ago I did all that.

Sorry to say this, but, it's kind of over. You sound like you are in a slightly different place in your life than he is.

It's hard for you because you do love him.

This only similarity I have is that my Fiancee went travelling for five months on a pre-booked group overlanding trip after we got engaged. I didn't want him to waste his deposit by cancelling and not going. He came home and we will see our silver wedding anniversary this year.

I suspect contact with him will dwindle and you'll get pissed of with the man who isn't there. Best thing you never had ?

I met now dh one night at a dinner, invited him for a day out ( he was staying 3 hrs away) and then didn’t see him for 9 months. Letters took 17 days from point a to point b, computers and email were scarce, phone calls were extortionate. We married two years later. It can be done.

Well regardless of long-term plans he's just told me he's coming back briefly next weekend, so we'll meet then.

Toearlyfordecorations - I also feel it's likely contact will dwindle as I've been the one moving and you become absorbed in your new life for a while. I suppose only time will tell.

I feel like the challenge for me is going to be continuing with my own life and not getting caught up in what he's doing too much..

It sounds like it's not really over yet, which is the problem - you're in limbo. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was all those years ago and I only found peace when we agreed to end it for good. At that point we had to stop calling each other, texting, etc, because it was too impossible to stay in touch with the minutiae of one another's lives while trying to move on. If it's over, then it needs to be over.

Yes. I think the problem is we've split up because he was yearning to travel and as he's young it's now or never. I get it, I've done it myself.

But there's still love there. The thing is I've cut things off 100% in the past and had no regrets. But this time I feel the connection is quite special and cutting things off cold turkey would be rough.

When he's back next weekend maybe I'll just say let's throw ourselves into our lives and keep in touch *occasionally. We can visit if we want. You might be right Juneau and neither of us seem ready to let go.

I can see its upsetting but I think you've both actually communicated well and come to a a pretty sorted and realistic situation which is probably a lot better than putting your lives in hold? you sound very mindful and aware of the pitfalls

Keep in touch - Id get myself an online dating profile (you can go on okcupid and get one just for "meeting new male friends" so you don't even need to do full on dating dating)

Maybe it is meant to be but (even thinking about friends here) it gets a bit weird trying to discuss the intimate details of day to day life over email or WhatsApp and then meeting someone occasionally and finding you haven't got that connection any more? Im judging from your posting langusge you're 30s or 20s?

If you're childfree and in your 20s and 30s then tbh if you get out there and meet lots of new guys you'll find someone decent really really quickly so there isn't much point getting hung up or wasting time on one guy.

Been there too op, dated for a year and we had an amazing connection like nothing I've had before or since, but he left to go back to his home country to continue his education, Early twenties and no responsibilities.

My advice is if you can't go cold turkey then make deliberate moves to reduce contact and not make yourself available at every turn. It's painful but it's also not healthy to cling on to something that no longer exist even if the feelings are still there.

When I talk about my time with this guy even 3yrs on I'm told my eyes light up by people. To me it was a very special time and he still has a small place in my heart but life moves on and it no longer hurts.

I massively reduced contact last year and now we barely speak. I did what I've advised above as I needed to take control for my own happiness.

He doesn't sound like he's committed to you. What an awful place to be in. I'd try to let it go - and if something happens in the future, great. But if not, no loss. It's raw now, but go through the grieving process and don't expect anything

Agree with PPs.
Sometimes we fall in love with persons who we are either incompatible with or are at differing life stages. It's shit.

Advice would be to cut contact and move on.

I would stop all contact and suggest he gets in touch in future if he’s single and living near you. Then get on with your life.

Long distance rarely works out and is draining IME.

It really depends on what works best for you, my ex tours a lot, when we first met he was on a break of seven months, so like you we lived in each others pockets and then all of a sudden he was gone, as he was never in a place for more than about two nights visiting wasn’t an option. He would sometimes be back in the UK for two weeks, but he would be doing shows, on the radio, so it was like he was still abroad.

We both now realise we should have clearly ended it, rather than trying to carry on, we do both still have feelings for each other, but we have accepted it won’t work, moved on and started dating other people. Ending it properly in the first place would have been a lot easier, we are now at the stage where we can be friends (we are part of the same small friendship group) without being upset it isn’t something more.

He's suggested I move to where he is a few times now - the latest suggestion being tonight! He has been in touch every day since he left which I am quite surprised by. Clearly the heart wants what it wants. But sadly his heart also wants to be in a different city.

Although I'm struggling at the moment, I hope I'll have the courage to try and resolve the situation one way or the other in the coming months...

You've both got a bit of heart ache coming unfortunately. I hope the upset and disappointment doesn't just degenerate into sniping and point scoring and your last memory of him will be saying or hearing something hurtful.

I honestly wouldn’t roll with the ‘we can visit each other’ approach, if you’re not together in a proper exclusive committed LDR.

It’s too much contact for you to be able to move on. You’ll feel weird dating others as you’ve got plans in the diary to visit this guy (and you’ll be intimate I’m sure). You will struggle to move on from him as you’re still part of his life.

I would end it properly, no more visiting one another after this next weekend, tell him it’s goodbye and you are going to cut contact to be able to heal and move on and wish him the best. Trust me when I say you won’t feel single or be emotionally free to meet anyone else if you maintain this half and half thing with him where you’re not together but also haven’t properly broken up/

Or you could choose to resolve it now by stopping contact.

Ideally Loopytiles, yes. But I don't think cold turkey is the best idea right now.

If you see my other thread, I'm going through a difficult period and this guy has been hugely supportive lately. I'm going on holiday soon to clear my mind and get some space. Hopefully then I'll have more clarity on the situation/feel better once I've had time with friends and family.

Haven’t seen other threads, but it’s usually not sensible to rely on an ex / someone you want a relationship with for support.

Thanks everyone. I'm having a hard time right now, so please bear with me

I saw him today. He flew back home last night and wanted to meet up today. We met for several hours and on the one hand...it was great. It helped me figure out a lot I've been struggling with (unrelated to him) just by talking it over with him, he is v good with advice.

But also...I have to admit we dated for three months and sitting at a table together not holding hands and kissing etc - it feels weird to me overall. On top of that, I think he regrets breaking up because of potential long distance. I feel a shift with him, I don't know how to describe it. He contacted me every day he was gone and asked if I'd like to go to the cinema with him before our time together was over today. After our time together today, I headed out with friends and came home to cute messages from him when I got home. We hugged for a LONG TIME - and when he saw me coming he held his arms out from a distance as if to say 'I've missed you so much!'. Again we kissed each other on the cheek but about half an inch from each others lips.

But now all I can think is...WTF. BOTH of our futures is uncertain right now...NEITHER of us know where we will end up in the next year or so yet. So as I say....I personally think he regrets breaking up but doesn't exactly know how I feel and in general is too shy to raise the topic. At this point I feel I need to bring it up and say, 'look are we gonna date again or what' or otherwise let things go. HELP!