This novel is my first post on Mumsnet but I have been lurking for a while. I'm so sorry for the absolute ramble. If it’s too long, the basic jist is: he cheated, and lied, and continues to lie. I’m raging but I still love him.
We’ve been together for nearly 20 years. Life has been a little tough on us but everything was always Ok so long as we were together.
I had complete faith in him throughout our relationship until my women's intuition discovered itself over Christmas. I was away visiting family and (I know now) she came to OUR home to "study"... overnight... with a movie and wine.
At the time, I was convinced I was being paranoid and knew I was depressed (5 years+ ttc would do that) so I looked for a therapist.
Red flags popped up here and there through January and February and finally, two weeks ago, there was one so blatant I couldn't hack it any more and I am wholeheartedly ashamed to say: I snooped. And, since it's something I don't take lightly, I decided to do it well the first time so as not to have to do it again.
So, I spent a day copy-pasting visits to her address, daytime hotel visits, directions to restaurants, YouTube instructions for how to decant a good red (this when I was visiting my parents), and a cinema date.
From what I can tell, they started out by training together before Christmas. She's an ex-pro athlete, he's a dedicated sportsman, and the job they are preparing for requires peak physical fitness. He would normally tell me everything he does, so the fact he didn't mention it at the time means he already knew, or it had already started.
I compared my findings to our WhatsApp chat history and that, for me, was the source of all the pain I'm feeling now. Lies, lies, lies.
(Oh, and once things kicked off, he installed a Vault App - if you don't know what that is, it's a phone app that looks and behaves like a calculator until you put in the right combination of numbers. It's used to hide naughty videos, photographs and other things you don't want your unwilling cuckquean to see.)
I had seen enough. He was doing exams, so I waited until they were over before confronting him.
That was Tuesday, just passed. He told me it was "just the once", that it was a mistake, that she pursued him relentlessly and he resisted valiantly, that I've no idea what it's like on the course - so intense, that 4 of his classmates have already broken up with their long-term loves, that it's my fault, that he wants babies and I'm infertile, that he wants me to get fit again, to have a better job and to buy a new sofa.
The following day, he came home after class instead of going to "study". I was still working and he tried to sit me down for another chat, 5 minutes before I had to start an online meeting. He was actually starting off well, with what seemed to be a heartfelt apology, but I had to tell him to stop, because I didn't want to enter the meeting with boiling emotions.
We haven't spoken since. I can't look at him without feeling a wave of rage, sadness, regret or revulsion. I've tried, but I can't get into bed beside him at night.
I've lost 4 kilograms since Sunday because I can't eat for the nausea.
The thought of being stuck at home with him this weekend turns my stomach, so I'm leaving this evening to visit my mum who is on holiday. She so kindly told me to jump on the next plane join her for the weekend with her while I try to sort my head out.
So, that's where I am now. I'll leave for the airport before he comes home. I'll send him a message to say I won't be back for a while and then I'll turn my phone off. Is that bad? I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I don’t want to say how long I’ll be gone in case he decides to dial her up and tell her he's lonely. Paranoia is a monster, and he gave it to me.
I also feel like it’s wrong to write all this out for strangers to read, but I have to get it out of my head without disrupting our circle. I've realised some serious mistakes I made in recent years. My reaction to our fertility struggle has been to blame myself, to wallow and - worst of all - to shrink into myself and cut out my wonderful friends and family. I lost my joy, my confidence, my waistline. I gave up all my hobbies and projects. So, I do understand how it happened that he came to fall for a pretty, studious, fit other woman.
He told me it's me he wants. His sureness that we'll stay together because he says so is pissing me off nearly as much as the lies. He's probably right, though, at least until the IVF fails. I love him more than my life and I've wished for so long to give him a child. He will be a wonderful father. He is incredibly sweet and smiley, gentle, simple, hardworking, tactile, and loving.
And a liar.
Rage, sadness, regret and love. F*ing love.