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Original poster

Please help me get rid of this emotional pain

40 replies

LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 08:36

For 9 months I have been attracted to a male friend. We’re both married with children and we’re very close. Nothing physical has happened between us but I believe that the attraction is mutual. We speak about once a week on the phone about ‘friends’ stuff and we meet up every couple of months, usually with our families. He’s been a huge source of support for me and I would regard him as a very close, special friend. But the pain of not being with him is destroying me. Seeing him is wonderful but as soon as he goes there’s the emotional crash of being apart.

How do I make this pain go away? Should I have a heart to heart with him, tell him how I feel and break the spell? I know you will say go NC but I can’t. He means too much to me for me to not have him in my life anymore.

I believe that he’s not in love with his wife but he would be very unlikely to leave her.

My husband cheated on me and we have never really recovered from that.

Please help.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 22/03/2019 08:42

Stop seeing him, either alone or with his wife. You are having an emotional affair. If you have not recovered from your husband cheating on you, then you have to leave. Right now, you are not being fair to anyone, including yourself. You need to spend time alone, no man, to learn who you are. That way, you will come to understand your emotions, because right now, I think that you subconsciously think this man is going to be your saviour and rescue you from an unhappy marriage. He almost certainly isn't and right now, his DW is in the unenviable position that you found yourself in when your DH cheated on you.

I'm afraid its time to be an adult and cut contact.

Singlenotsingle · 22/03/2019 08:44

You know the answer to that don't you, OP? You've both got children, and you know he wouldn't leave his dw anyway. If you talk to him he might go NC with you, (and you've lost even the friendship you've got) , or you might start an affair and that way madness lies! Do you really want to be the OW?

It's an obsession, an illness. I think you'll have to stop having any contact. It's the only way.

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 08:49

Thanks LittleCandle. Is it an emotional affair if we’ve never spoken about our feelings for each other?

I know you’re right about NC but I’m wondering if I can cope with being friends, keep in touch and see what the future holds. He might become free one day and I want to be there (also free) if that happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 08:51

Thanks Singlenotsingle. I don’t want to be the OW. I want us both to be single and get together in the right, decent, honourable way that gives the relationship the best possible chance of working.

So are you suggesting going NC but without giving him an explanation?

OP posts:
Bun123 · 22/03/2019 08:51

Why don’t you stop thinking of your own self pitying emotions and try to think of his wife and children.

It’s called being a decent human being.

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 08:57

I have thought about his wife and children. I think he settled for her and that he’s not in love with her. So while I don’t want to cause her any pain, I think that he and I are very well matched and that ultimately we would make each other very happy. But of course he would feel guilty so could we ever really be happy? I do feel bad about his children. I’m not sure if it’s relevant but I love his children dearly and would love to have them as my step children. They’re wonderful children.

I accept that you think I’m not a decent human being.

OP posts:
Bun123 · 22/03/2019 09:00

Believe me it would cause her pain

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:03

Yes Bun. I’m sure it would.

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 22/03/2019 09:08

You are seriously over involved with someone who doesnt appear to have given you any encouragement
What makes you think he doesnt love his wife , or that he has similar feelings for you?
Do you honestly think even if he had the same feelings you will both be able to leave partners , uproot children and live as though nothing had happend ? . It doesnt work like that , there will be shed loves of shit you will need to deal with for years
If you arent happy in your marriage you need to leave and learn to be happy on your own , then think about a new life with someone
You cannot form a relationship with someone you only speak to once a week on the phone !

MashedSpud · 22/03/2019 09:14

You’re assuming a lot but don’t have facts.

He might be/probably is happy with his wife. You “believe” the attraction is mutual, you “think” he settled for his wife and you’ve never spoken about feelings.

If anything this sounds like a crush or stalkerish behaviour. You’re latching onto someone else who seems to have a good family life because your husband’s infidelity wrecked yours.

Fix things with your husband or leave him and start afresh. His kids will hate you if you get with him. Take off the rose tinted glasses.

Meandwinealone · 22/03/2019 09:16

You’re honestly best just to walk away from this early. You’ve made him into your saviour from your shitty life, in reality that will never be the case.
As they always say, you can only save and heal yourself.

There are lots of people in the world that we have a connection with. It just isn’t the right time or place.
And unless he’s specifically said he settled for her (which I wouldn’t believe), then you’re massively projecting.

NotTheFordType · 22/03/2019 09:16

You need to massively step back.

I've had this sort of crush before. You know what solved it? Making friends with his wife. I made a conscious effort to always contact her about coffee dates etc. or if I was arranging with him I'd always say "Would you and DW like to meet up for coffee this weekend?" If in the area I would meet up just with her and DC even if he was out of town. Yes I had a strong bond with him due to our shared history as colleagues and interest in certain subjects, but I cultivated my relationship with her. And now she's a good friend, and I've totally got over my crush :)

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 09:18

I think he settled for her and that he’s not in love with her.

I think you're caught up in a fantasy.

Most people in long term relationships arent 'in love's with their spouse/partner much of the time, they do however love them. It's possible that's the case with them.

Even if he doesnt, he unlikely to leave. They haven't had any infidelity like you have, they are invested and splitting would be a while like of pain, disruption, financial loss, negative effects on their kids etc etc. Most people won't do it.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 09:18

"whole pile

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:20

pelirocco123, he’s trying to be good but he has given me plenty of encouragement. I don’t know many married men who form new friendships with married women and call them secretly. We have a mutual friend who believes he’s attracted to me too. You know when you just know.

I think he has a companionate love for his wife. I’m certain he would never leave her. It goes against his values.

I think that I could happily start a new life with him. It wouldn’t be easy but it would be possible. People do that don’t they? Have new relationships with someone else. Even if there was an affair or a murky start. I don’t want to have an affair with him. I want him to myself.

We only speak once or twice a week on the phone but we used to be in a situation where we saw each other all day every day for many months.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 09:21

You’ve made him into your saviour from your shitty life, in reality that will never be the case.
As they always say, you can only save and heal yourself.

Exactly.

I think by telling him you hope (not to put an end to it and move on as you've said) you hope he'll reciprocate and have an affair with you and leave sooner or later.
I do t think that's the way it will go. I think you'll end up with egg on your face, he'll withdraw and you'll lose the 'friendship'.

It's now not really a friendship though so you would be best minimising it anyway. For you it's an emotional affair.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 09:25

I’m certain he would never leave her.

Then why bother with this?

Are you hoping to tempt him into an affair and that she finds out and kicks him out?

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 22/03/2019 09:27

What are you getting out of this situation right now - staying with your husband in an unhappy marriage and craving someone else’s husband? Identify what you are gaining right now and see if you can meet those needs elsewhere, since you say you know he is never going to leave his wife.

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:30

MashedSpud he’s heavily hinted that he settled and has never been in love before.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:32

Meandwinealone my life isn’t shitty. It’s mostly really good. But I’m just hurting because I want to be with him much more than I am. Even just as friends. If he and I were flatmates spending all our time together then I could cope with that.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 22/03/2019 09:32

He’s using you then in that case
Your a vulnerable person who is clearly deeply unhappy and he can sense that.
Men do not leave marriages that are ok. Even if they have settled

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:33

NotTheFordType I think it was a crush initially. But then it became mutual and much deeper. I think your idea of befriending his wife is interesting.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 22/03/2019 09:33

I didn’t mean generally shitty. I meant how you feel about what your husband has done. If you didn’t feel shitty about that aspect of your life you wouldn’t even be having these thoughts

Prinstress · 22/03/2019 09:34

Your poor husband.

Original poster
LoveIsInTheAir81 · 22/03/2019 09:34

Moralitym1n1 you make a lot of sense. This is exactly it.

OP posts: