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Original poster

H fantasized about sticking his dick in his f colleague, later asks her out for drinks alone.

30 replies

FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 05:09

Insists he saw her as just a friend. Do men do that, or is it testing the water/wanting a secret thrill/ something along those lines?
She was also acting interested as in gossipy messages etc. Nothing overt. They spent lots of social time in alcoholic situations in a group situation. Then she started messaging him in the evenings too. He doesn't message his other work friends in the evening, and hasn't fantasized about them either. What's his motivation? Opinions from male partners are very welcome too!

OP posts:
purplepears · 22/03/2019 05:13

How do you know he's fantasied about her?

Hanab · 22/03/2019 05:18

Call him out. You know what you know

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 05:54

Purple, because he admitted it.
Yup, called out, and now he sees how it was inappropriate. I really don't see how it's ever appropriate to spend time with someone while working away, message them every day (with less contact to your wife and kids), fantasize about having sex with them (on more than one occasion), know they're interested, and then ask them out for drinks alone. There's going to be some sexual tension between them, even if it all originates in his head, isn't there?

OP posts:
megrichardson · 22/03/2019 06:03

I think that rather than get your H to admit to what is glaringly obvious, it might be better to think about what you want to do about this. If your relationship has been good, then it is worth perhaps suggesting counselling or something. If he has not been a great partner, then maybe start thinking about other plans.

purplepears · 22/03/2019 06:13

Ah, well. He's admitted it. He's having an emotional affair (at least) at the moment.
You deserve better.
Tell him to go.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 22/03/2019 06:31

That's so weird, he told you he was fantasizing about her?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 06:46

That's so weird, he told you he was fantasizing about her?
Does this actually help?

It's part of his ongoing behavior, he'd had an A before, so I'd think he would be super aware that it's inappropriate to ask an interested female out for drinks if you'd already fantasized about them. He says not. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 06:47

@Purplepears you'd consider this an emotional affair?

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 22/03/2019 06:52

He’s had an affair before!? And he wants to be dick deep in another one!

He can’t say he doesn’t - he’s v busy engineering lots of alone time, and is telling you all about it so he can say it’s all so innocent. GTF.

I’m sorry if that sounds really blunt OP Flowers

How do you feel? I’d be hurt and mistrustful myself, and he shouldn’t need you to ‘call him out’ ffs.

What do you want or need now?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 07:25

I’m sorry if that sounds really blunt OP
That's OK. He doesn't work with her atm, and the messaging stopped (as far as I can tell) when I saw it in the evenings and thought it was inappropriate, considering everything else. We're limping on, him telling me he'll do anything to fix things (the actual A was years ago but I found out only last year), yet doesn't see how behavior such as this is dangerous? Yeah, maybe he was trying for something else. He says not, but that seems more likely to me, it's not like he was behaving as a safe or respectful partner by asking to go out for a drink with someone he'd fantasized about, is it?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 22/03/2019 07:28

Oh come on. He's already had an affair and now he's lining up another one right under your nose. Have some self respect and end the relationship.

GarthFunkel · 22/03/2019 07:28

It's not exactly an emotional affair, is it, so much as he's trying his hardest to shag her. He's been flirting with her and now he's asked her out on a date. That's what you'd call it if he were single.

Thinkinghappythoughts · 22/03/2019 07:33

This is the beginning of a relationship. I can't believe he actually has the gall to tell you what's going on - like that makes it all innocent.

No, no, no. Not right. Not normal. Most would have kicked him out by now.

Japonicaflower2 · 22/03/2019 07:37

He's testing what your reaction is if he has another affair, isn't he?
How you can ever trust someone who's had an affair is hard enough without his being explicit to you about being with another woman?
I wouldn't want to be constantly wondering what he's up to personally.

OKBobble · 22/03/2019 07:42

Yep it is going to be his next affair. He is setting it up so you already know and because you stayed with him last time he is making it so you will this time too or at least so he can justify it because you knew already.

sparklefarts · 22/03/2019 07:42

Erm what the actual f? You're in a relationship with someone who tells you they fantasise about having sex with their female colleagues? Please just leave OP

GirlDownUnder · 22/03/2019 08:06

How did you find out about the last affair? Why did it end? And how do you know it was the only one considering he thinks ok behaviour is setting up dates?

I’ll bet the messages haven’t stoped, they’ve just changed platform.

Fritz you already sound apathetic to his total disrespect to you and your relationship. Have you already started checking out yourself, or are you still in denial?

Are you ok?

ErrmWTAF · 22/03/2019 08:40

"You know, DH, you're right. It's nothing.

"In fact - funny thing this - I've had a fantasy about [a.n.male colleague/the milkman] - I was riding his cock like a cowgirl. I even yelled Yeehaw, it was that good.

"I've been texting him a lot, and we're going out for drinks this evening - all perfectly innocent, trust me! In fact, you can trust me, because to date one of us hasn't fucked around behind the other's back. Oh, wait! That's me.

"Anyway, you'll look after the kids, right? I'm off now. Laters!"

Try that one out, see what kind of response you get.

ErrmWTAF · 22/03/2019 08:42

Oh, and get thee hence to Chumplady.com ASAP. You need her.

ChrisPrattsFace · 22/03/2019 08:45

Your phrase ‘testing the waters’ is exactly right.
Why else would you invite someone you know is interested in you, for drinks alone?
Feel like if he’s already had an affair that was years ago, and you only found out last year.... he’d be gone if it was me. Wouldn’t be able to trust him.

NotTheFordType · 22/03/2019 08:56

We're limping on, him telling me he'll do anything to fix things (the actual A was years ago but I found out only last year)

Oh god OP this sounds so miserable. Set each other free. I understand there are probably financial and practical obstacles, but they can be overcome.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 22/03/2019 09:10

How did you find out about the last affair?
I saw a few things I questioned from this deployment, asked him about stuff, he let slip something which was different from what he'd told me before. I had to track down the OW and get confirmation from her.

Why did it end?
Apparently, because when he came back on one weekend (living on base and seeing her for sex once a week through the week) and told me he was leaving because we weren't working out (after years already together), I was upset (he didn't give me any other reason), he changed his mind.

And how do you know it was the only one considering he thinks ok behaviour is setting up dates?
I don't. I'm extremely concerned that he thought this was OK behavior.

Your phrase ‘testing the waters’ is exactly right. Why else would you invite someone you know is interested in you, for drinks alone?

My thoughts exactly.

you already sound apathetic to his total disrespect to you and your relationship. Have you already started checking out yourself, or are you still in denial?

After so long being lied to, and finding out what he considered to be appropriate, I think I'm gradually checking out. There's only so much I can say, and it takes two to fix a marriage. I just don't understand how he could be that blase about his behavior knowing exactly what he'd done years before. Actually, I can. Because he didn't think I'd pick up on it.

Are you ok?
Not really, but thanks for asking.

OP posts:
ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 22/03/2019 09:15

You poor thing, discovering an affair years late, agreeing to try to trust him again and build up your relationship and now this!

Best case, it's flattery / a crush and nothing physical. (Still horrible of him and disrespectful to you especially as his past behaviour is obvious going to make you anxious and insecure.)

Worst case, he is trying to or is already having an affair.

Personally, with his last behaviour in mind, i would have a sit down chat and calmly explain why you are feeling so anxious about it. See if responds kindly or cruelly. Absorb how the chat makes you feel.

If you feel shit, like you do already, then leave and enjoy being single and secure until you meet someone who is a respectful and kind partner. Who you fancy the pants off, obvs.

Wallywobbles · 22/03/2019 09:42

I think the timing and feelings are about right for you to start checking out lawyers and alternative living arrangements. No particular hurry, but I'd be sorting out a future where he was a bit player not the star.

GirlDownUnder · 22/03/2019 10:20

Bloody hell Fritz Brew

No, you’re not ok - but you will be. You are stronger than you think, and you are worth more than this limp excuse for a man.

You have good instincts. You knew that something was wrong, kudos for digging.

I’m glad you’ve started checking out. That’s a healthy reaction to the gaslighting shit your not so ‘D’H has put you through.
So big of him to stay hey, massive favour he did you. I think you should return the favour and kick his arse to the curb.

Totally agree with Wally - become the star in your own life.

And you are allowed to be mad, and sad, and fucked off!

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