The dreaded “partners ex/ mother of his child”

[Guilt]

Please, someone tell me am I being unreasonable...
I’m 22 ive lived alone since 17 years old with my son, been independent and been worth my partner since a month after my son was born. About two years into our relationship he moved in, so we’ve lived together for 2 years. My partner has a 7 year old daughter who he sees every other weekend (4 days a month) .. however a lot of the time her mother (his ex) books holidays, days out with family ect on our weekends with her without even asking if it’s alright, 4 holidays in the last 2 years have been booked on our weekend. As monthersday is coming up she has booked a weekend away with her partner, child and daughter on our weekend and has said there’s no point in us having her at all this weekend as it’s mothers day (we only had her 1 days last time too). So not only do we barley see her but the time we do see her she’s not always here. My partner does not care about the fact she keeps doing this and don’t even say a thing about it, he keeps allowing it to happen and it drives me crazy.. is there something wrong with me? He gets walked over by his ex.. which then also affects my life too.. because I don’t book thinks to do with my friends , or friend who have children to take my son on play dates because I free up my weekend when she is supposed to come.. my partner does not let me know EVER when his ex changes her mind and says she’s doing something with her so I’ve always got our plans cancelled and none with my friends because I’ve been assuming we would be out as a family. I hate to be seen as I’m controlling ? Because this genuinely upset s me as the only time my partner and I .. or even my partner, I and the kids spend together is the weekend his daughter comes. It breaks my heart.. no family time ever and I feel like when his ex walks over him she’s also walking over me too and I hate it, but he won’t allow me to have a say because it’s “none of my business” although we’ve been tougher for 4 years and he lives with me where his daughter comes to stay and I’m always misinformed of the changes 😞
Someone please tel me have I lost my mind and I’m a controlling bitch or can anyone actually see where I’m coming from?

however a lot of the time her mother (his ex) books holidays, days out with family ect on our weekends with her without even asking if it’s alright, 4 holidays in the last 2 years have been booked on our weekend

Can you just clarify - you mean your Dp's ex books days out/holidays on dates when your DP should be having his DD, so the ex doesn't let DD come?

You said it yourself that he doesn’t care...

NotTheFordType yes you are correct 😞

Guilt don’t have a child with this man.

I know my Dh would fight me tooth and nail for regular access to our kids. He lives and breathes them.

My ex was very similar to my dd1. They have barely any relationship.

My father was the same and I’m NC.

Don’t look at his ex - look at him

So his XP doesn't consult in advance about holidays, and about twice a year encroaches on his weekends. And she expects to have her DC with her in Mothering Sunday.

Your DP is OK with that, but you are not.

You are arranging your life, and that of your DC around DSD's schedule, but you are doing this unasked and without accurate information on changes to the schedule.

I think perhaps you need to do less. Stop making plans that wouid be spoiled if she were not there, and instead make plans to which it would be easy to add her if she is.

And you need to see if communication with DP can be improved. His inability to let you know, in a timely fashion, stuff that affects you is the core of the problem here.

I totally see where you’re coming from and you sound like a kind, caring person but I can’t for the life of me see why you want to be with a man who doesn’t give a shit about his daughter?

I think you need to stop making plans around her being there. If she comes it's a bonus, if she doesn't then you go on as planned.

Is he saying you're controlling?

I think AuntieStella gives good practical advice. But your problem is your DP and I echo PP who advised you not to have DC with this man. He really doesn't sound like a committed dad. Everything you complain about is down to him not being arsed to sort access out properly.

OTOH, I might be quite wrong and your DP has learned to let things slide because if he insists on his rights his Ex makes a terrible scene and he knows he'll see even less of DSD. Only you can tell which it is.

You don’t have a DP’s ex problem, you have a DP problem. These are the bits that jumped out at me from your post:

My partner does not care about the fact she keeps doing this = he doesn’t care about seeing his daughter.

my partner does not let me know EVER when his ex changes her mind = he doesn’t care about how this affects you, and he doesn’t communicate with you.

the only time my partner and I .. or even my partner, I and the kids spend together is the weekend his daughter comes = he doesn’t care about spending time with you and your son.

It breaks my heart needs no translation. You just need to decide whether you can carry on feeling this way when his actions are clearly telling you what kind of person he is.

he won’t allow me to have a say = he doesn’t listen to you, and doesn’t care about what you have to say.

I don’t think you’re controlling OP. But the fact you are questioning that in this situation makes me feel very sad for you

What they said ^^

I think BottleBeach makes good points.

I read the first one more benevolently - as him not caring about changes to schedules (not that he didn't care about seeing his DD). Which do you really think it is, Guilt ?

It IS your business and if he doesn't get that then there is something seriously wrong here.