How do you deal with despising STBXH and contact with DC

[Aprilnamechanger]

He left recently, verging on abusive and very tough on sensitive DD. A lot of arguments caused by him bullying her - think making her sit at the kitchen table staring into space for 20 mins because she refused to do extra work on her weak subject. Or confiscating her phone because she didn’t want to play her instrument on his timetable (she is a fantastic musician) etc., etc..

Of course many of our issues were caused by me ‘undermining him and his parenting’ by standing up for her.

He is now the perfect fun loving fun to be with Dad, seeing her for dinner one night and one day most weekends.

I currently despise him and I am struggling to hide it which I know I need to for DD’s sake.

I need tips for dealing with this.

Definitely verging, certainly tough... And sounds like an old school prick.

However, it sounds like an amicable arrangement needs to be found, assuming logistically he's got his shit together and is able to have a relationship with DD.

Without being controlling, just keep an eye on how she is after being with him. It's really tough

How old is DD?

She is 13.

I also hate stbexh but I have realised the kids just don’t need to see that. I let it all out to friends so that I’m able to keep a neutral face when they talk about him. I am sad that we won’t be those kind of divorced parents who can all come together in blended families for Xmas or whatever but the man is an arsehole & is still trying to control me & fuck with me financially so he’s lucky I can maintain a neutral face.

As long as you think your daughter is ok when she’s with him then you just have to let them get on with it. She’s nearly old enough to be making contact arrangements herself so you don’t need to see him when he comes to get her

Thanks Gordon - I do know that and need to keep telling myself- he was always a Jekyll and Hyde and I guess I should be pleased but I hate the fact that he has turned it all off and appears to be the dad I always hoped he might be.

DD actually said ‘I think dad will be a much better dad without all the responsibilities’ wow

No blended families here, he put me through hell and the best thing for me is not seeing him - but I still feel a sense of loss. I just felt pure relief when he left but seem to be feeling all sorts of things a couple of weeks on.

I think you need to accept that you’ll experience every emotion and remember that these emotions will pass too.

It is sad that your daughter thinks that he’ll be a better father now - sad that she had to experience a crap father. I think I hoped that in the beginning that my ex was better when he moved out but he is back to being as disinterested as he was when he lived here.

I hope you’ve got some RL support - that’s what’s kept me sane plus walking every day. It is shit but it gets a bit better

Always remember that you love her more than you hate him, and not dumping those feelings of hate on her, is part of loving her.

You don’t have to pretend to like him - she’s 13. But she doesn’t need your full vitriol (save that for us!).

I still don’t like my XH, but the intensity of the feelings really does go.

Work your schedule as much as possible to avoid him - e.g. usual school as a handover location, so you’re not actually there.

I avoid contact as much as is humanly possible. He collects the dc (14 & 15), alternate Friday's from outside our house. I have been through CMS to get regular maintenance so don't have to discuss finances. I don't get involved (unless it's major) if the dc have any issues and direct them back to him.

Haven't had any communication since January and it's been wonderful as when we do talk it ends up in a slanging match!

I feel exactly the same, haven’t spoken or seen him for months as we do drop offs & pick ups through school.

I’ve got our first mediation session with him next week & am fucking dreading it - don’t want to have to be in the same room as him at the moment- urgghhh!