Divorce or not?

[Todivorceornot]

I’m not really sure what it is I’m after with this thread as I know you can’t answer the question for me. Do we divorce or not?

History is married 16 years, 3dc under 14. Husband had an affair 18m ago and do it’s been a traumatic time but we’re still together and love each other. But here’s the problem: he loves me but isn’t in love with me.

I think I want more. But I’m not sure whether I’m being unrealistic in wanting a fairytale romance. We get on well, we have fun, we love spending time together as a family or alone. He feels that I put too much pressure on the relationship and falling in love should be organic and happen but I’m worried it won’t.

I’m torn between wanting more and wanting to walk away because I feel I deserve more. But on the other hand should I settle for what we have. Or am I just settling?

Has anyone else been in this position. We’ve talked about separation/divorce, we’ve visited lawyers to find out about finances etc but we still can’t bring ourselves to actually do it.

Am I just scared or if I’m not 100% sure should I stay for now?

I know no one can tell me what to do but any experiences will help.

^We get on well, we have fun, we love spending time together as a family or alone.’^

After 16years of marriage - many people don’t have that, and that is in the absence of an affair....
Not sure what you (or him) mean about being ‘in love’ and what it looks like after many years together...

The early relationship high normally wears off and is replaced by a more mature ‘love’ relationship. Which can be described by loving spending time together, etc...

However - if you aren’t happy - you don’t need an excuse to leave.

Lots of people do stay together if generally happy but it wouldn’t suit me

Do you have sex still? If so, is it lacking connection/emotion?

he loves me but isn’t in love with me.

Classic affair script I'm afraid. He's got one foot out the door already and will bid you farewell with that repulsive quote from an alleged child abuser "The heart wants what it wants".

There's a big bandwidth between "fairytale romance" and "amicable housemates/co-parents". You can still be great co-parents who aren't together, while seeking a deeper relationship with other people.

I'd say end it now while you can still be amicable rather than wait til one of you starts knocking boots (again) with a third party and causes hurt and recriminations all round.

Yup. That was me a few years ago. Things were great for a couple of years post affair.
I'm now divorcing him because he cheated again.
He wasn't the sort of person anyone would have thought capable of being such a shit.
Save yourself the years and heartache. Divorce him and find someone who will be more than just a close 'friend'.
The love but not in love shite is him paving the way for his exit.
There'll be nothing you can do really, apart from save your self by getting out now.

Thanks for your replies. In answer to your questions, yes we have sex but it can be difficult as I often get ‘flashbacks’ and imagine him and her and he hates seeing me upset.

I am worried about the thought of another affair. Not so much now as it’s all still too raw but in the future.

It makes me feel so crap that I’m not good enough to be in love with. Which I know realistically will eat away at my self esteem.
But I’m other ways we are great together.
See how I go round in circles constantly....

OP, what I find sad is that HE cheated yet you are allowing yourself to believe the 'he loves me but isn't in love with me' bullshit. You are allowing him to walk all over you. Why does he get to decide that he 'isn't in love with you'? You forgave his cheating, but are allowing him to decide when he wants you? Don't be a doormat sweetheart, you can do better than this. Don't let yourself be an option when you should be a priority.

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you are fooling yourself. You're good enough to stick with for the moment but he'll be unfaithful again - without a doubt - and then he'll leave you. He's just using you as a safe harbour.

Some harsh replies but it’s what I probably need to hear

Sounds like he's made the decision for you by having an affair. He'll do it again, especially since he's not 'in love' with you. What's the point in prolonging an inevitable separation. Take control and build a new, happier life for yourself.

Yes I think if he truly is not in love with you then he will do it again. He has broken his emotional connection to you so doing something that hurts you won’t hurt him.

From what you have said now I would end it.

I think it would destroy your self respect even more than it must already be to stay with a man who freely admits he's not in love with you. I also think there is very little incentive for him not to cheat again, he isn't in love with you and you've put up with it once already, why would he not cheat? I think you would be consigning yourself to some sort of miserable half-life if you stay with him, come on OP surely you can see you're worth more than that?