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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

relationship struggles

15 replies

Littleteacup1 · 21/03/2019 06:23

I have a condition And I’ve been on a 7 month period and currently waiting for another mri and possibly surgery. Every day I’m exhausted in pain to I’ll to go to work. My works struggling and Im having to think about finding an easier less stressful job. My home life is a mess house is so un organisaed it’s never tidy I do try but after work and weekends it’s just pain meds and sleep. My partner is getting stressed by it all hates coming home to all of this as really non of it is his. Hes offered to help but he works from 9-9 most days so dosnt have a chance. I’ve sunken into a massive sad part of my life can’t seem to get happy I feel like everything is my fault I’m running are relationships my job everything.I cry all the time and can’t stop. Every weekend I try and sort it but I’m so exhausted that it gets to an ok state and then by Tuesday or Wednesday where back to square one. Partner refuses to go out anymore with me as if I’m ok to go out I’m ok to tidy. He avoids coming home if he can as he hates it. Its making me feel worse I have no life seeing friends due to being so ill and each week is the same work sleep and then weekends tidy it’s making me mentally frustrated would love just to go to the cinema with him have some fun time because I’m so un happy. House is being re done in 3 months so being extended wardrobe built new kitchen storage in every rooom which will make so much difference at the moment no Space to put things. I’ve cried every day for the last 6 months I feel so un happy and sad bi can’t seem to shake the feeling of not wanting to be here. Everytime I cry partner hugs me and says all the right things but when ever I mention my mental health he always says his is bad because of having to come home to this

OP posts:

VictoriaBun · 21/03/2019 06:31

As you are about to have major house renovation, can you afford to put stuff in storage ? That way you could have minimal stuff at home whilst your house is in chaos, and it will give you a chance for a big sort out. Then once everything has been done then the items in storage could only come back,if they have a tidy place to go or you may realise you can get away with them going to charity.

category12 · 21/03/2019 07:06

Is there any way you could be signed off from work for a bit/take some leave to get some rest firstly, and sort things out a bit? The health side of it must be really dragging you down.

I'm confused by your partner, he sounds supportive one minute and an arse the next, which I suppose is just as confusing for you.

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 21/03/2019 07:33

Yes he’s supportive one minute and then really not but as he can’t feel my pain I think he thinks it’s my excuse as I was never this bad in the past it’s come on suddenly

OP posts:

anniehm · 21/03/2019 07:54

Could you afford a cleaner who can come and help you - mine is really nice and does do house organising, even takes bags of unwanted stuff away (I think she might sell it I don't mind). Obviously has to be the right person!

stacktherocks · 21/03/2019 07:59

Every weekend I try and sort it but I’m so exhausted that it gets to an ok state and then by Tuesday or Wednesday where back to square one.

What are you doing that makes the house go from okay to a total mess in the span of three days? Maybe that’s what your partner is upset about, not necessarily the limitations of your health but the fact that you’re messing it up so fast that neither of you can keep up!

If you can afford a renovation you can afford a cleaner. I would make that a priority. It’s easier to keep on top of things when you start from it being really good rather than just ‘okay’. I’ve been there, with severe physical and later mental health issues that make it very difficult to do housework. But ultimately if you’re OH is working twelve hour days and you’re at home I can see why they’d be getting sick of coming back to a hovel as it’s so depressing and they must feel so frustrated not being able to even be at home to do much about it.

You should hopefully get some good practical advice on here re what to do to get on top of this. Would you be willing to take it or are you just looking to vent for now?

stacktherocks · 21/03/2019 08:03

Everytime I cry partner hugs me and says all the right things but when ever I mention my mental health he always says his is bad because of having to come home to this

I get the sense you think it’s not a good thing he’s sharing this with you? Try not to take it as an attack. It’s good you can share how you feel and your own struggles with your mental health with him but you have to be open and receptive to him doing the same in return or it’s all one sided. I get really affected by my environment and if I’m living in a pig sty I quickly get very depressed, I would want to be able to share that with my OH if he told me his own depression was really affecting him without feeling judged.

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 21/03/2019 16:32

Will properly reply later as waiting for docs had migraine since Saturday been constantly sick and how I can’t walk or move with out throwing up. wanted to go to bed and then docs but with only an hour until docs I’ve had to sit in weather spoons as can’t afford and taxi home and back to docs pain is a ten on the scale

OP posts:

stacktherocks · 21/03/2019 16:43

Don’t come on here when you have a migraine!

NotTheFordType · 21/03/2019 19:11

Do you have DC together OP?
Do you live together full time?
Are you working full time? Have you been signed off at all?
Do you have a diagnosis? Have you been assessed for CFS/ME or Fibro?

Being in constant pain is depressing in and of itself, especially if it disrupts your sleep. So don't feel bad for crying and feeling you can't cope. If you have any of the above conditions (or numerous others including PCOS, endometriosis or fibroids, IBS and more) then just showing up at work is a major achievement.

Here are a few practical things that have helped in our household with one member who is primarily responsible for housework but has quite severe IBS on top of anxiety and depression.

Use disposable things as much as possible, e.g. paper plates, plastic cutlery. Yes it's shit from an enviromental point of view but the effort of standing at the sink with chronic pain versus chucking stuff in the bin is an acceptable trade off.

When going from one room to another, always survey the room first and say "Is there anything else that needs to go to the kitchen/bathroom/bedroom/lounge?" This helps avoid that awful feeling when you sit back down and then go "Oh god, I should have put that tissue in the bin" and then start crying because you can't face getting back up.

NWQM · 21/03/2019 19:18

When you say it's not his does he really do everything he needs for himself or do you actually do 50% each?

Getting someone in to help - make it more than traditionally cleaning really will be helpful. There will be a lot to do for anyone working full time if you are having renovation work.

Most of all - and I hope this doesn't sound too Hallmark like but - be gentle with yourself. You are not well. Many people wouldn't be able to continue to work but you are 'beating yourself up' because you dont live in a show home. I say this as someone currently surrounding by a ridiculously messy house. As someone who is fed up again that we are at the point that I'd be embarrassed if anyone came to the door but that said your health is way, way more important ...always.

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 21/03/2019 21:17

Been officially diagnosed and yes he does his own bits but I end up doing more housework like dinner and stuff due to him working 12 hours some days I’m home at 4.30 and would be starving if I waited for him to get home. If I can’t cook he will always come home and do soup or get take away for us. Cleaning I tend to do as it’s fustta for him to have to move my stuff to. We own a house moved in 8 months ago house has no storage at the moment

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 21/03/2019 22:35

I’m home at 4.30 and would be starving if I waited for him to get home

You're married though right? So he's vowed to take care of you in sickness.
OK I'm being facetious.

What, in his mind, did he sign up to?
GET ANGRY

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 22/03/2019 14:24

Where not married and he may want to look after me but he can’t exac leave work and come home when ever he wants

OP posts:

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 23/03/2019 21:19

Been to out of hours due to migraine being so bad this morning I cleaned the kitchen and organised the dining room just got home from hospital with pizza and he’s ignoring me won’t eat any pizza claiming he’s not hungry I knows he’s annoyed that I’ve done nothing all day. When questioned he says we’ve been here 9 months you haven’t been ill the whole time you have time to go out I’ve been on a night out 3 times once for work and each time I’m home before 11. I occasionally go into town but only to pick up meds get dinner never just to go shopping

OP posts:

stacktherocks · 25/03/2019 09:01

He sounds exhausted.

Do you think maybe you’ve both fallen into a pattern of resentment where you’re both struggling and feel like the other person reckons they’ve got it harder?

Only this: Everytime I cry partner hugs me and says all the right things but when ever I mention my mental health he always says his is bad because of having to come home to this spoke volumes to me. Of course you should both be able to share how difficult things are. It shouldn’t be a competition as to who is the most miserable. Why can’t you both work on what actual practical steps you can take to improve the situations you’re in?

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