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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't leave and it's toxic....help!

20 replies

user1486131602 · 20/03/2019 21:31

Things have come to end, not my choice, but need to do what's right. DH has been labelled as emotional and verbal Abuser. We are both on mortgage. The turmoil here is now affecting our kids, did dianosed as depressed and da going that way. I want hi to go but he won't. He has to 'protect' his assets?
I'm a SAHM and he has a large salary
How can I get him out and protect them? Please someone, help.

OP posts:
Blessingsdragon1 · 21/03/2019 08:11

If it's that bad move out - divorce him and move on.

Quartz2208 · 21/03/2019 08:16

professional advice - legal/women's aid even social services/cafcass if the effect on your children is bad

Look at the accounts you know about and get proof of them

Whose choice was it OP

Margot33 · 21/03/2019 08:17

You cannot make him leave. It's his home too. Is your name on the mortgage? Maybe you could discuss looking at having the house valued to see if you would be able to sell up, to help purchase two flats? Would you be able to afford to pay a mortgage on a small flat?

NameChangeNugget · 21/03/2019 08:26

He’s not going to leave a house that he finances with his name on the mortgage.

I think you need to seek legal advice

Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 12:44

His name is on the mortgage, but the payments have come from my account. All the bills are in my name as he has mental health issues, this plus his narcissistic behaviour has made it impossible to go on.
I do not have savings, used them to pay debts, so cannot get a new house/flat. Selling up is not an option we still have kids in education and after all the stuff they have been through they need stability. I have been to women's aid, doctors etc for help. I was wondering if anyone had some advice from a similar perspective?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 12:45

Ps: I am divorcing him.

OP posts:
wombat1a · 21/03/2019 14:18

Look at it from his point of view, why should he leave his home just because you want him too? If you want to be separated from him then why don't you leave instead?

IndieTara · 21/03/2019 14:21

Not massively helpful @wombat1a and very goady

Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 16:04

Why should I leave and uproot my kids when his emotional and verbal abuse have got us to here. Notwithstanding the fact that this is the umpteenth time he has a full mental breakdown and been unable to pay the bills again. I used my inheritance to pay down our debts and now he's blaming me for his! He leaves us every time he looses it ( an average of every 2yrs) and goes back to his mums coz he can't cope!
More importantly, he refuses to get help for his problem, so this will keep happening and I am unable to cope with that. That's why he should leave.
Thanks @wombat1

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 16:30

Just to make this crystal clear his name is ONLY on the joint mortgage as he's been ill I have had to have all of the others in my name.

OP posts:
Nnnnnineteen · 21/03/2019 16:47

Didn't make any difference in my situation - joint mortgage and all bills were in my name. He had an affair and refused to leave. As I couldn't afford to until the house was sold as part of the divorce, we had to live in the same house for 2 years, although I did find the money and move out a few months before the house was sold. My solicitor was very clear that he did not have to move out unless he chose to, unless there was police involvement to the extent he was not allowed near me.

Bambii · 21/03/2019 16:50

If you report him to the police for abuse they should order him to stay away from the residence. That has worked in the past.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 17:55

Bambii, thank you. I am aware that I can do this, but I would like to do this as a last resort. I have no money only benefits taken up paying our bills. I cannot afford to move on and after 20yrs of this I too tired. I'm am trying to do what's right by my kids. He is only doing what's right for him.
Back to the solicitor it is!

OP posts:
Bambii · 21/03/2019 18:29

Sounds like you're worried that getting police involved would hurt him too much. I can understand that, especially if he's mentally unstable. However you do need to be strong and do what's best for your children. If he's being vile, that's no place to raise kids.

If you tell police he has mental health issues, I'm sure they will be more considerate and gentle with him but still firm enough so he gets the message to stay away.

Alternatively, you need to put your house on the market and move on. Unfortunately you prolonging this isn't good for your kids either.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 21:59

Bambii, you are right...on both counts.
After having an evening of 'no frills' chat with a trusted person I am going to change tack. The kids and I are going to move and then he can have the house and all associated problems! I haven't said anything yet and won't until I have the solicitors advice Monday.
I would, however, like to thank you and those who have genuinely tried to help xx. I am going to delete this whole thread tomo. good night and god bless xx

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/03/2019 22:16

Yes do you have equity?

I think leaving and then getting solicitors advice to try and force a sale might be the right move

talktoo · 21/03/2019 22:19

Am confused. You say he has a large salary but then you say he is ill and can't pay the bills.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 21/03/2019 22:42

Quartz2208 : yes there's quite, but the debts are massive but n comparison

Talktoo: he has mental health issues and isn't always able to cope with everyday things. And is usually off work at 6 months at time.

OP posts:
Bambii · 21/03/2019 23:01

@user1486131602 wishing you the best of luck, stay focused on getting out of this for you and kids. You sound like an intelligent, rational and strong lady. You will get through this and it will soon be a distant memory. Xx

7yo7yo · 21/03/2019 23:08

Remember his debts belong only to him so when looking at the division of equity etc that should come from his half.
Don’t be foolish and take on his debts.

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