Anyone else like me? - mid 30s, living alone

[chestylarue52]

I live on my own at the age of 36. I've always been really happy with this, I bought my own place and moved out of shared accommodation into it. I've had boyfriends but never felt the need to move in with them, or maybe they just never seemed good enough, my flat is so much my sanctuary its just..too much of a risk.

I quite often feel like theres something missing, or maybe fearful about the future, I'm not sure what to do about it. My current boyfriend wants to move in together, I love him, he's brilliant. I'm just...really stuck in my ways. I can't help but think I'd regret it but at the same time, it seems like the thing to do.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Just someone else with the same situation, maybe, although it seems really there isn't anyone.

I should say, I have a good job, social life, hobbies etc. I have passions. Just feeling restless. and like..is this it.

Me, although I’m single. My flat is also my sanctuary. I have no idea what I’ll do in the future if I meet someone. I would like to get married one day but can’t imagine living with someone and potentially losing my flat in a divorce. Like you say, it’s a risk and perhaps it’s more significant to some than others.

Just because something is the norm doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. I think many couples choose not to live together now. Have you discussed your feelings with him?

I was in the same position, moved in with a boyfriend at 37, 1st DC at 40 and single by 42. I'm much happier on my own with just DS and I. Not sure if I'm not better on my own for the same reasons you mention. Do you want children?

I lived with someone from the age of 33 - 35 and then with another man from 37-42. They moved in with me. Now I am single again and have my flat back. I am really happy at the moment to have the place to myself. There is a hell of a lot less mess. Both exes were lazy around the house but made a right old mess. The second ex complained constantly when things weren't perfectly clean, saying I should get up earlier to do "chores" and that "you can never hoover too much".
He was also bad with coming in drunk at all hours and making arrangements to come home at a certain time for a meal and then not turning up so I'd be left waiting for him to show up getting hungrier and the food spoiling.
Yes he treated me like shit and it is my own fault that I allowed it.
The first ex was a penny-pinching miser and refused to go out and get a job - what a cocklodger he was.

So yes, I am enjoying the time alone. All through my 20s I longed to have a boyfriend and to live with them. I had boyfriends but it never got that far. Then in my 30s I got my wish to live with someone and in both cases it was pretty awful.

If you are already thinking you don't want to move in together then trust your gut and don't. There are plenty of couples these days who live separately. I do want another relationship at some point but I very much doubt I would ever want to live with anyone again.

If you want to have children it is a different matter as you will presumably want to start a family with both parents there etc.
If you don't want children I don't see the need to live together to be honest. If you want to - great.. but if you don't want to you shouldn't have to.

Thanks for the replies. It helps so much. I don't know anyone else like me.

I did speak to my boyfriend, he's ok with maintaining separate houses, we can both afford it. He's very respectful of me and he was drawn to my independent happy nature.

I don't think I want children. I get the occasional biological pang but in practice it looks like so much effort and emotional vulnerability that I just don't know. I do like children. I don't have a desire to be pregnant or gice birth. The idea makes me shudder.

Thanks for listening.

@Weejo39

Are you happier now with a child? Are you pleased you took the chance? Sorry for the questions - don't go into it further if you don't feel like it

@onionchucker

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

If I did move in with bf it wouldn't be here. This has been my flat, we'd move in somewhere else.

I'm worried things would change. He's attentive, kind, sexual, tidy. I'm worried i give up my leverage if we move in together. As I type that i realise its not a healthy perspective.

Oh my word dont do something you have doubts about.

And for gods sake please don’t have a baby unless you really really want it. It is all the things you say and really only for those of us too weak to ignore our animal instincts —half joking—

I have a friend just turned 40 who has a very solid long term relationship with her boyfriend and they very happily live apart. She moved in with him for a few months while her new house was being built and it drove her mad. Sometimes, you just want to put on your own music and soak in the bath with a glass of wine.

Don’t rock the boat if it’s floating.

You will give up your leverage by living together.

I am a couple of years younger but single. I think the same though, that if I get to that stage with someone what will I do? I really don’t like the idea of giving up my flat and my own space.

My dp and I dated 4 years before we sold up got married and moved into our new home together.

Separate we were good - together we are great.

We both enjoy our own space but just seem to fit and living together works well.

Sharing what we have gives us more.

I'm worried i give up my leverage if we move in together.

I understand this.

My last live-in ex destroyed things in fits of rage. I haven’t repaired some of the less obvious damage as a reminder never to let someone like that into my home again. I worry that if I moved in with someone it would make me vulnerable.

Don’t rock the boat if it’s floating

Good advice. Thanks.

OP oh yes, extremely happy I have a child. My life is complete (without a man in it) and I'm determined to nurture a good man in my son. His Dad turned out to be a cocklodger with debts and a love of prostitutes

37 with two kids, lived alone for 5 years due to death of DH. I really struggle to see the benefits of bringing a man into my space. All the petty rows about housework and money....now I make all the rules and I'm financially independent. I have a boyfriend but no desire to deal with co-habitation nonsense again!

I don't know anyone else like me.

There are loads of us. Trust yourself. And don’t have a baby if you don’t want one and the thought makes you shudder.

I feel exactly the same way and am grateful every day that I didn’t do it ‘just in case’.

Plan the things that you want to do instead. The things you are able to do because you’re free