Talk sense to me please

[BuxomWenchOnAPony]

So, my husband left me three weeks ago. Briefly for another woman (literally a day - realised she was just a fantasy/get out and returned to his mums). I had no idea he felt unhappy in our marriage, we’ve been together 18 years, 2 dds (8&12) and we were the tightest, most solid unit as far as I knew. I’m generally pretty resilient, but this has half-killed me. I’m useless. I can’t stop thinking about how much I still love him. I remind myself of the bad bits and that he doesn’t love me and I know, logically, that I can’t make him realise he loves me (probably because he doesn’t!) He is being around for the kids, apologises a lot and looks upset. He says he wishes he could fix it but he can’t live with what he’s done. He doesn’t love me. But I can’t get my stupid head to accept it. What the hell do I do now?!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you @BuxomWenchOnAPony last few months I've been through something very similar. I wish I could give advice but I did so many things wrong and was confused and angry, I still am really., all I can say is, take it a day at a time. It gets easier, not quickly, and you will be doing ok then something will trip you up and you'll feel back to square one, bit each time your recovery gets quicker. There's no easy option, but give in to your feelings, cry, shout, rage, get it out when you need to. How he feels is not a reflection on you.

You are strong, special and deserve to have someone worthy. He's the one whose f*cked up, he's the one who chose not to fight. Hold your head up high and lean on friends abs family when you need to - big hugs xxxxxx

Buxom you just keep on going.

Your not going to feel ok about this for a while as it’s a huge shock.

What id do is ask him not to come round for a while and to see the kids else where. Him coming to see the kids while this is so raw is just keeping you in a state of extrem upset. And tbh you shouldn’t have to see him upset and feeling sorry for him self. He has totally wrecked your little unit.

You may get back together (in which he has a lot of making up to do) or you may not but having space away from him will help you progress how your going to navigate through this.

He may still be in touch with this other women so don’t give him an ounce of sympathy

You talk to each other....you decide together whether you can get past his foolishness and deal with how much he has hurt you.You decide what you need and if your marriage can survive this indescretion. You have so much history together but you both need to be honest and open about how you both feel.I could get passed it I think based on what you have said it seems more of a half baked attempt at regaining his youth somehow that spectacularly backfired.But you need to reassure yourself and find out why ,,,that bloody eternal question!!! before you decide anything,Allow him to see your upset and ask him what he plans to do going forward,How do you know he doesnt love you? Men are a funny species they sometimes think with the wrong bit of their anatomy especially if they are getting older! I wish you well...I wish you strength and i wish you peace..but if you can forgive and want your man go get him and work through it together,To me it does sound like he has been daft,,,,terribly hurtful for you but I think it maybe was a stupid fantasy that got out of hand.

Try counselling?
As the way to understand more and figure out how to move on?
Also - to help you understand, and possibly accept the actual state of your relationship. Why was he so unhappy and didn’t show it? Was/is there anything that can still be done about it ?

He’s being pretty clear - we’re not getting back together so he isn’t even prepared to talk about it. It’s like talking to his corpse - it looks like him but dead. I think he hates himself as the affair was so out of character, and believes an affair must be proof he no longer loves me. We’ve had so many stresses - both overworked, children, sick relatives we have caring responsibilities for / I get why the escapism appealed to him. What we had wasn’t working as it was, but I just can’t get my head around throwing everyone’s lives away. I’ve got to go to my dd’s parents evening with him now - have had a temazepam to get me through. This is so shit!

He's done the wrong thing. He has. There's no getting away from the fact it's his responsibility that he cheated.

He does love you. He knows what he's done is dire. That's why he's a walking corpse, he blew his wonderful life up for a moment of weakness and hurt you.

If you can forgive him, truly and are willing to put it down forever, then it can be fixed. You have to tell how how it is:

it is not his choice to remove himself from your life. It's your choice to love him and forgive him or chuck him out. As bad as he feels about himself he doesn't get to choose what you should do about his cheating. He doesn't get to punish himself. If punishment is required you choose. Unless he genuinely doesn't want to be with you. Tell him that if he is punishing himself that his actions in that are equally punishing you and that's not fair.

Give it time

You've both had so much on.

Ive seen couples come back from worse stronger and happier.

One day at a time.

You are stronger than you think.

I'd be wary, are you sure nothing is still going on? Is she married? Take care of yourself as it's such a huge shock having the rug pulled out like this.

I did well at parents evening. Then we came back and took my dad to buy some sweets as we always do. He stayed at watched tv, helped get dad to sleep then left. I caved in and asked if he missed this, he said he missed our dds. I asked him just to be sure, that I can forgive an affair. He said he’ll be round on Saturday to take the girls swimming. I need to learn to take a hint. I know I’m clutching at thin air.

😂 my dd not my dad

I'm not sure why some pp are pretty much telling you to take him back when he doesn't want to and has said he doesn't love you.

it is not his choice to remove himself from your life.

Actually it is.
Since when are human beings not allowed to end a relationship or marriage?

Don't beg him whatever you do.

Yeah, too late! I’m entirely humiliated. I’m having moments of lucidity, have asked him to stay away till he collects the girls on Saturday

What ever the outcome I think doing the 180 is good advise.