A bit of back ground.
I have been with DH for 16 years, married for 8 years. We have two DC together. Eldest DC is 6 who has ASD.
DH moved out after another massive argument 3 months ago. The argument started with toilet tissue would you believe. And it ended with him coming right up to my face, with his fist raised at my face threatening to punch me and saying he wants to kill me.
This is what happened that day:
We were talking about the toilet roll paper we're currently using (he had bought them and this was the first time we had purchased these) and I said the ones we are using now are finishing too quickly as it needs changing three times a day. So not to get them anymore, we'll just get the ones we were using before as one roll lasts at least one day.
He started getting defensive saying the full bag of the new tissue lasts longer than our usual one so is better. I said why are you getting all worked up, it's not like you made it the tissue, but I said this in a light hearted, jokey tone so not to piss him off. I said I'm just saying each roll finishes too quickly and we use 3 rolls a day. He still kept going on saying I'm shouting and why am I not talking normally. So starting to get annoyed now, I said why are you getting so defensive over the tissue, did your dad make it; he then goes no, your dad made it.
(So to explain here, both his dad and my dad passed away when we were both little and my mum passed away just three months ago. And yes I know I was wrong to mention his dad, but tbh I was still feeling raw after he swore at my parents to swear at me only a few days after my mum passed away, not to mention his horrible behaviour since my mums passing, where he didn't even comfort me after hearing my mum passed away, was being a moody asshole as usual with me and the kids the very next day. Also he has previously brought my father into arguments on a number of occasions; e.g. once when he threatened to burn the house down and I said I'm calling the police if he continues, he said call them coz the police are your fucking dad).
After he said that, I lost it and started calling him names such as you fucking dog, how dare you speak to me like that. It's ok for you to swear at my mum just days after her passing and disrespect my dad in arguments but if I do it, you go off your fucking head you hypocritical bastard.
At this point, he came right up to my face in a move to punch me, his fist mm from my face.
I said yeah, that's all you're good at, abusing your wife and your children. Go on then fucking punch me if you want to.
He said, I really feel like just killing you right now. I told him to get the fuck out and never come back and leave the keys.
He said he will burn my car and smash the windows and break in for his clothes.
He called me ugly, a slapper, said he regrets marrying me and made a mistake marrying me. He said I tricked him by painting my face with make up when really I'm an ugly slapper.
I said he's the one that tricked me as I didn't know what a fucking monster he is, you ugly bastard. He attempted to put his hands around my throat and came right up to my face again and said, I WILL hit you. I said go on then do it. All this happened whilst my youngest DC was just in the next room watching tv.
About 10 mins later he left.
Since then he has been round to see the kids stayed over about 2/3 nights in total, once when the kids were ill, another night when he took the kids bed and went to sleep with them.
He continues to blow hot and cold, one minute he'll be all jolly, beaming and in an upbeat mood, come over to me and try to out his arms around me. I'd be be like what are you doing, get off. But he laughs and thinks it's a fucking joke.
Then other times he'll just ignore me and just talk to kids or just sit here moodily.
Every time he's here, I get so annoyed. He still continues to whine to the kids, saying daddy's ill, I can't carry you or I can't play with you. Or say to them, I've not ate anything all day, I don't have the energy ok. Does my head in listening to him talking to the kids like that.
It puts me in a bad mood when he's here and that can make me short tempered with the kids. Whereas as soon as he's gone, I feel so light and calm and stress free again.
He's asked me several times is there any hope for us, I've said no we're over. He'll say fine, let's get a divorce then. Then will come over the next day, all jolly and in a good mood and try and suddenly give me a hug. I tell him to stop it and move away but can't say much as kids in the room. The kids see this and my eldest DC will say to me, you're always mean to dad. He's only trying to hug you and being nice to you.
So I guess what I wanted to ask you all was, can we come back from this? Will counselling be of any help to us? Or shall we just call it a day?
I just want to do what's best for the kids and don't know what to do. They miss their dad (not much, as they don't ever mention him when he's not here) and when he comes to see them they tell him not to leave and tell him to stay.