So confused,husband eager to forget everything !!!

[Antha720]

I've been on here before,my husband is verbally abusive,20 years of putting up with this,my confidence is shot,I have 3 children 18,16,11, the atmosphere in the house is a bit weird,I'm constantly question myself if planning to leave is the right choice,we are still in the same bed but not slept together for over a month,and every time he wants a bit and a kiss I'm backing off I don't miss it,if anything my mind feels calmer that I don't have to be physical with him,he's promised to see a therapist about his is issuses,but I can't forget how he behaves,and how bad he makes me feel,what do I do ??! It's easier to stay !! But I'm so stuck,no money,no family....can't switch off...

Call your local women's aid and see what they say.

There's no commitment to 'do' anything as a result of the conversation.

Your husband having private therapy might make him worse rather than better. I would definitely talk to a 3rd party with good training on coercive control so you can work out the best way forward.

If a friend was telling you this what would you advise?.

Its not at all easier to stay although people stay for many reasons; fear of their abuser and the unknown are factors. You also cite a lack of money (that is another reason but is he also controlling your access to money).

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up and what are your kids learning from you both about relationships now?. Your children are seeing you as their mother being abused at first hand by their dad; this has indeed harmed them. You think you have no options here but you do, have you considered actually divorcing your abuser?. Have you spoken to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247?. What he is doing to you is coercive control and that is a crime.

No therapy will help your H; he is simply telling you what you perhaps still want to hear. He probably has also told you repeatedly that its all your fault, you made him do it. He feels entitled to act like this towards you and actively enjoys the power and control he has over you and in turn your children. They all know that things are bad at home and perhaps wonder why you and their dad are still together at all now.

Counselling for yourself solely could be useful as would be seeking legal advice re divorce.

Joint counselling with an abuser is never recommended because you are not safe to do such counselling in the first place. No decent counsellor either would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together because of the abuse he metes out towards you.