Can this viscous circle be broken

[sleepwouldbenice]

We are having a row again

I work full time and do all the household management.... eg kids activities arrange, finances, appointments, schoolwork and study support, clothes, holidays, dog sorting, comes with friends, relentlessly getting the kids to do their (easy) chores, hwk, get off tv/ bloody phones, listening to teenage dramas, etc etc. You get the message. Constantly running round, keeping lists, panicking, checking everything's done. I don't sleep well, waking early thinking about things ( sometimes worries, sometimes just thoughts), get tired, no me time

H works at his own pace. Will do stuff but doesn't notice not done things or think ahead ( in most parts of life). He's not lazy and does more than many. But work comes first, then me time (for him), then what needs doing

So I need to relax more but am always resentful. Am told I am always in a bad mood but he's always late from work, I walk into a house that's a tip, then I have to start nagging etc, then I am in bad mood....

Things come to a head at pressure points eg Xmas when there's loads on or this week when my dad has an operation and no one will just put me first for once.... so the resentment and shouting grows

I don't want to live my life like this but don't know what to do to change it

Please help.

Life doesn’t have to be that stressful .
Plan your time and get the teens to do more .
It sounds like you take everything on your own shoulders when it isn’t really necessary.
I also work full time and am single parent - but I make sure my kids do their fair share . I’m not their slave .
I wonder if you didn’t have the husband to complain to- would you just get on with life and make the kids pull their weight and be happier ?
I think the resentment to your fella is the biggest issue and he probably don’t wanna come home early because he don’t wanna he nagged at so it’s a vicious circle .
Maybe you could try draw up a good old fashioned list of who does what and when ?
You sound far too frazzled .

well no pp, it's a classic case of wifework. OP has to work and do all the family stuff and her H gets to focus on his job and swan in when he wants. And if she dares to have the temerity to get upset, she gets called a nag.

I don't know what the answer is OP. I got divorced and life improved immeasurably. I know that's drastic, but still....

I am always a bit split in threads like these.

Reading the OP it makes me annoyed at the man.

But then I remember growing up at home. My mum did everything. As a teen I wont pretend I offered to do loads. But any offer ended up with a fallout. It wasnt dont quite how she wanted, or when she wanted etc. Same with my dad. If he wanted to cook dinner she wouldn't just let him do it.

She insisted she arranged everyone schedules, set homework time tables, oversaw anything and the rest of us just weren't that bothered. From 11 going to secondary school I was up every day I dint sleep in, even now. But mum would insist on getting up at 6 because she 'had to arrange everything and make sure everyone is up'

In reality she didn't. We were all capable to getting up and ready without her input. She still does it now. She works about 30 hours a week and dad is retired. He does most of the housework, cooking and washing. But she will still go on about how she never stops. Except she doesnt really have to do much. Theres only 2 of them and dad does most of it, as he should. But she will make up loads of jobs, like she needed to go find me a bed for my spare room, then made dad come and put it up while I was at work. Which would be really nice, if I wanted a bed in that room or asked for her help. As it was, i didn't want it and was turning it into a dressing room. We fell out because they came in my house while I was put and decided what that room was going to be.

She created work that she didn't need to, then complains about how busy she is.

So after that long explanation, I often think on these threads (especially if the kids are older) that probably everyone needs to compromise. Or at least think about it.

Your husband needs to think of you more and help you out.
Your teenagers need to help and organise themseleves more

But do you really need to do everything you do? Can you compromise and does anything need to be done to your standard? Do you need to remember, that not everyone thinks the same? And do you need to start putting yourself first a bit more.

I might be wrong but it's just a thought.

I am not convinced this is just a wifework issue either. It’s about choices and to be frank the OP needs to look at her husband’s approach to life and learn from it. Because he is prioritising his mental health and achieving balance, yes possibly at her expense. Having me time is what the OP needs to do. That’s going to mean handing responsibilities over to her husband and putting them in his control. Not supervising or checking his approach and way of doing things. Same with the kids. If they are old enough to decide what they want to do activity wise then they can organise it. Let people do it their way even if means they fail, overdue or just do it differently. Just let it go.

My advice tell your husband how you feel and ask him what he thinks you should be doing as a couple to make things fairer and relieve your stress. Unless is a lazy manipulative git and your children are too, then can and will step up. Just in their way.

Hi all thanks so much for taking the time to respond

I know it's mix of both. I find it hard to relax, do need to prioritise myself.

But I also know that I woukd feel lots better if everyone just did what they are supposed to / can easily do. The kids know what they should do.... for example now as there is has been another row they are keeping things tidy, being thoughtful, taking the dog for a walk etc... strangely I won't be in a bad mood.But within a couple of days it will be back to sitting on their phones, not bothering to do things, studying last minute etc. Which makes me even more resentful as they can do it but obviously choose not to!

I have tried lists, asking what we should not do (e.g. give up playing the flute and I won't nag you to do it), none of it works for more than a day or two. I don't mind being the planner, that's part of who I am, but the doing still needs to happen.

Every thing is just left to the last minute, or not done at all leading to more work for others or letting people down
I just don't know what to do.... I will ask again what people think they can do to help me but it won't last......😐

If they keep not doing stuff, I would not do stuff that only benefits them.

Such as hobbies. If they cant be arsed helping round the house, dont you barsed organising the hobby on their behalf.

You need to both compromise with you husband. Its likely he switches off if you are communicating that he must do it your way. If he still switches off, the you may be heading for divorce

Even more than that. If you want money for a hobby you must do your share and take responsibility for organising the hobby. If you don’t do your chores no money, if you don’t organise yourself to do the hobby then you live with the consequences. It should not be your regret that flute playing falls by the wayside.

But really by setting tasks and giving lists and prompts/nagging you are owning the responsibility. Pass the responsibility entirely and allow it to fail or go wrong before intervening. You have cast yourself in the role of doer and saviour. It’s thankless and never ending. Without you credit will run out on phones, WiFi can be cancelled and hobbies will end. So let it. All the more time for you.

Agree with peeps. Let there be consequences to everyone for not doing what they're supposed to. Your teens will have to earn their phone time, Wi-Fi, money for going out etc by doing what they're supposed to. They'll soon learn. Also break down all the household tasks and go through it with your dh. Split it fairly and arrange for fun stuff for you to do for yourself. E.g. tell him that on x amount of evenings he has to be home to shop and cook because you're going to the gym or whatever. And leave and leave them to it. They'll take some bits of getting used to but they'll get there. If they don't put their washing in the wash simply stop doing it. If your husband doesn't pull his weight, stop cooking for him and washing his clothes etc.

I’m not much one for petty behaviour but maybe hide the WiFi router at the bottom of the laundry basket and wait to see if they ever find it.