Unsatisfying sex life - can it be fixed?

[AntheaTrifid]

My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married 3. It's a pretty happy marriage, however our sex life is starting to get me down.

Foreplay is good, but the actual penetration barely lasts a couple of minutes. It's at the point where I don't even want to have sex with him any more because it's just disappointing. He knows it's a problem (because it's a pretty obvious problem!) but has never made any moves to try and do something about it. He's willing to put the effort in to foreplay but I so badly want a proper shag.

Is this fixable? I don't know how to raise it with him without hurting his feelings, but we barely have sex any more and I really don't know what to do.

Use toys instead so he can still satisfy you ?

Could he "go again"?

Don't mean to make him sound like a workhorse lol but you know what I mean? Or he could have manual stimulation hour or so before hand an hopefully it would help him last longer 2nd time round.

It's not really something that can be fixed with toys, because it's the actual shagging that I want!

He's tried going again. He's either not that in to it (which is hardly a turn on), complains he can't feel anything or comes just as quickly.......

In an ideal world, we'd be able to have a good shag straight off the bat that left us both satisfied. But that's just not happening.

Is he as quick to finish if you're giving him oral or a handjob? If so, it's probably PE (premature ejaculation), which CAN be overcome with patience and training. (Training of his balls, not of him!)

If he lasts longer during oral and handjob but blows quickly during penetration then that's more problematic. As a PP mentioned, if you get your primary sexual satisfaction from vaginal penetration, then dildos are probably your friend. If you don't use condoms currently, they could also help.

Switching sex positions might also help - if you start with doggy, for example, most blokes are going to blow pretty quickly. Start with you on top until you're satisfied and then switch to mish or doggy when you're ready for him to finish.

Re the conversation: it doesn't have to be hurtful. Phrase it as "I read this great article the other day about using sex toys with your partner. I thought they were just for single people! What do you say to trying a dildo on me?" Adjust as necessary.

Good luck!

Great advice from @NotTheFordType

That would be my plan of attack

How long is a “proper shag” out of interest?

I'd personally consider a proper shag 10 minutes (penis in vagina, not foreplay) few different positions. Completely agree with ford advice

Thanks for the tip re the positions. That could possibly help and I'll definitely give it a go. Also condoms are a good idea too.

He lasts a bit longer with a hand job/blow job but barely lasts a minute if he's having a wank (sorry for the tmi!) so I'm not sure if it's PE or learnt behaviour.

It's just really getting me down now. We have busy lives so I've hardly had the energy to deal with this issue, and although he's seemed frustrated by it in the past, I don't think he's connected the dots that our lack of sex is related to his speedy finishes.

He sounds sexually healthy to me. You read about men who have libido problems or sensitivity problems and take ages to reach orgasm. A couple of minutes isn't a few seconds as you might have with actual premature ejaculation.

Maybe he needs to get checked out by a doctor. Try sex therapy through relate. I thought sex doesn’t matter that much when I was in a similar boat but it really does and you need to sort this now or move on. Good luck.

No he certainly doesn't need to see a doctor. He's within normal range. Even if he had legitimate PE (which is ejaculating within a few seconds) there wouldn't be anything a doctor can do.

"I don't think he's connected the dots that our lack of sex is related to his speedy finishes."

So tell him. Tell him in detail what you would like. He can learn to delay orgasm. "Edging" is one technique (I wouldn't google that at work btw). And you can try and temper your preference for a long shagging session, which isn't necessary for female orgasm.

I seem to recall reading that most men ejaculate after about four or so minutes of penetrative sex although as he gets older he will last longer. Some positions provide more stimulation than others, either physical or visual (or both) so talk to your partner and find out what position might be best to make him last longer. Slowing down and taking breaks can help. You can also get desensitization sprays and lubes that may help him to last longer. Wear a condom as that will reduce sensation a bit too. Ultimately though he sounds pretty normal. Good luck and hope you find a solution.

Viagra! He will go all night