Really struggling.. is it ok to feel this way ??

[lucy222222]

Hi I really need to get things off my chest atm I didn’t no wether to put this in pregnancy choices or relationships as it’s kinda both.

Maybe a long one so sorry .. I fell pregnant last year wasn’t planned ended up terminating as me and my partner were not getting on and he basically made himself scarce and didn’t handle the news well at all I didn’t want to terminate but I couldn’t bring this baby up alone for many reasons. I have regretted it ever since and more than ever so at the moment.

Me and my partner did end up working through it in the end and we are still together.. I admit it was not the right time for a child however I would have kept the baby if his reaction was different.

Now to the bit I am struggling with.. a close family member of his found out she was pregnant same time as me she is alot younger than me I am 28.. has been with her partner not long at all and she kept the baby.. she gave birth to a boy a few days ago.

My partner is very close to her and her partner can’t drive atm so he took her to and from hospital etc and I didn’t see him much during this period which I had to accept. She also lives with my partner and his mum.

Since we were due around the same time I am really really struggling with this and it is effecting my relationship massively I can’t get over that my partner wasn’t there for me when I was pregnant with HIS child yet he clearly is capable of being there for her. Don’t get me wrong I like he is close to his family but it is bringing up a lot of memories for me and I feel although I wasn’t forced into an abortion his actions kinda forced my hand.

I haven’t even asked to see a picture or the name of this baby and I feel awful for that.. that is not me at all I love kids and I feel like a complete bitch for showing no interest. But the is greatly effecting my mental health as I can’t stop thinking this should have been me and him and why didn’t he step up for me at the time.

He has said he understands how I feel and he hasn’t tried to rub anything in my face at all I can tell he is on egg shells and he said himself this is also effecting him as he regrets deeply how he acting toward me but he feels he can’t express himself to me.

It’s come to the point I’ve told him I don’t want to be around him because I’m being reminded of things and is upsetting me but really that isn’t what I want at all.. I am pushing him away as I don’t know how to deal with this I have been to conselling but it hasn’t helped

I knew we were due at the same time and I knew it would effect me but I didn’t think this much.. I live alone and I can’t stop thinking of things whilst he is there doing all the things I wish he could have done for me..

How is him supporting his family member during her pregnancy but going AWOL with you during yours, not rubbing your nose in it?

There’s two sides to this story that you have to accept, a) that you made a decision based on your then circumstances and b) that when push comes to shove, your bf didn’t want a child with you and abandoned you when you needed him.

Be kind to yourself, don’t feel bad about the obvious pain you’re in and get support. What doesn’t help is pretending that his past and current behaviour doesn’t show a disregard of your feelings.

@agentjohnson well I suppose what I mean by not rubbing my nose in it is he isn’t sending me pictures putting them on social media etc or telling me things purposely I only know things as I am hearing him on the phone to family or he has had to tell me certain things such as he isn’t around cos he’s here doing such and such.. but I suppose in a way it is but on the other hand I wouldn’t want to be selfish and think just cos you weren’t there for me you shouldn’t be there for her.

I have tried to accept both of the sides my partner has been over the last 9 months very apologetic for what he did and admitted he handled it wrong and was scared and didn’t know what to do not that it makes me feel any better and especially right now.

I defiantly am not pretending his past behaviour didn’t disregard my feelings it did massively but I don’t know if his current behaviour can be helped as I can’t expect him to just not be there and I guess it isn’t his fault the timings of the pregnancy so I just don’t know how to act right now..

I don’t know where to get support from I have had conselling through work and I didn’t find it helpful. Most of . my friends dislike my partner so when I talk to them about him or anything to do with him they make me feel worse

Why do your friends dislike your partner? Is it because of how he treated you last year when you fell pregnant or for other reasons?

Google post abortion counselling. Marie Stopes do it.

I think it's important to know why your friends dont like him.

However, I dont think you can compare his reaction to your pregnancy, to his reaction over his sisters (i presume its his sister). Stepping up and supporting someone is easier when its not your baby. Having a life long commitment to a baby is different.

I know you say you would have kept the baby if he reacted differently. But would that have been wise.

It seems he was a shit. But he was honest about not wanting a baby and its seems you agreed. He could have behaved better, of course he could.

But please dont get caught up in 'if we had kept the baby he would have stepped up and we would be blissfully happy'.

Because if he is a shit, he wouldn't have stepped up. You could be a single parent and he could be AWOL.

@sammySamSam09 because of how he treated me when I fell pregnant mainly but we have had a rocky Rship before that although it has improved now. I have one particular friend who’s partner is awful has made up he slept with me to come between me and my friend!! and has been violent towards her in the past yet (punched her in face ) she comments on my Rship like hers is perfect and it really annoys me so I feel like i don’t want to even tell her how I feel anymore.

I had my termination at BPAS and I tried to access the conselling but every time I called it just put me through to the after care medical emergency line. Could I still access Marie stopes if it wasn’t through them ? And do you think I can even access it through either service as it was 7 months ago now ?

@frenchmontana they don’t like him mainly because of how he went awol and left me alone during that time.. my friend supported me through the termination came with me stayed with me after etc.

It is his sister yes didn’t wanna say incase I exposed myself if anyone on here knows them.. but I do agree with what your saying it is completely different it’s just a bit hard to think that way at the moment.

He was honest and that’s not the issue I have the issue I have is the way he just went awol but i accept if we are going to move forward I have to move Past that as he has explained his reasons and said he feels shit about it but deep down I don’t think I forgive him.

You are right I am caught up in feeling like that at the moment and your response has put things in to perspective for me a bit tbh. I could have very possible been a single parent right now and he could have been awol so I guess I made the right decision at the time

I definitely agree that you might need counselling and support.

And i dont blame you for how you feel. Just remember it's unlikely it would have all been perfect had you have kept the baby. It's easy to do though.

You say they dont like him, mainly because of the pregnancy, is there anything else?

@frenchmontana I will have a look in conselling and see if I can get some from somewhere else

Yeah I need to just keep reminding myself of that as I’m sure it would have been quite difficult if I kept the baby at that time.

We used to argue a lot not over anything massive but it would just escalate and I would tell my friends when I was upset some of it I probably should have kept to myself.. but the pregnancy thing was the nail on the end from then they all started hating him well not all but most

Not sure I've got this right but your partner lives at home with his mum and so does his sister. So neither you nor she live with the men you describe as partners? Yet you're all happy to bring babies into this situation which is hardly ideal. So unless I've got it wrong I think you all need a reality check.

@nunnun sorry but that comment is really not helpful or needed.

@nunnun I clearly
Chose NOT to bring my baby into that situation and maybe that was one of the deciding factors ? So wtf are you even talking about ?

So I have got it wrong, that's fine, sorry I offended you.