I have a friend who I have known for 15 years on and off.
Since we have known each other she has had several complicated relationships. In each relationship she goes through a pattern where she brings the new man to my house and they stay for weekends (we live somewhere quite touristy) and we (my DH and I and DCs) get to know him really well. Then at about the six month mark, she says that the man is abusive but that she can't leave.
Each time I encourage her to leave, give her all the help she needs, but she doesn't leave. In the past I have lent her money and given her a place to stay for free for over 6 months over these periods, but she always goes back to them until they eventually break up with her. She also won't go into detail about the abuse, she just says that it's happening.
This has happened about four times in the last period of ten years.
This latest instance, the man she met was a friend of mine and they met at my house. When they got together I worried that the pattern would repeat itself and cause me problems, but thought surely it couldn't - but it has. About six months into their relationship she started saying that he was abusing her. I again supported her, as I don't believe in "not believing" victims of abuse, and I do understand that some people have co-dependent tendencies and they get hooked into the same types of relationship, so I can see how a pattern repeats. I encouraged them to break up.
This relationship took a slightly different turn in that, after accusing him of abuse, she started to turn on me, accusing me of being on his side and saying I was giving information to him about her (which I wasn't at all.) This culminated in her not speaking to me for four months despite my attempts to get in touch and see if she was okay. No response, so I just gave up and was - frankly - relieved.
About a month ago I got a message from my male friend (her boyfriend - they are still together despite the apparent abuse) saying that she told him she felt I had abandoned her and didn't care about her and please could I get in touch to show I cared? This message despite the fact I had initiated the last contact.
I appreciate that this is the point I should just say fuck it and abandon the friendship completely, but from pure psychological curiosity, what is it that she ultimately wants or needs? I am at a loss.