Forgiving an emotional affair how to break the habit of checking up on things..

[Support2019]

Hi, so working though an emotional affair. I don’t want to go into too much detail but I can see how our relationship contributed to him being in touch with someone else. I’ve seen the messages, nothing sexual however lots of messages and over the line to be in contact like that. A definite reliance on each other.

My problem is this, I keep wanting to check his phone, look her up. I need to break this habit. It’s about 10 weeks since. It’s still eating me up daily. I’m trying to distract myself and I know it’s not normal so I don’t need beating up about that I just hoped maybe someone on here had some advice.its not good for my mental health. It’s stupid and I need to stop.

This must be terrible for you ... what you're going through is completely normal, it's only been 10 weeks! ... you've made the decision to forgive him and move forward with the relationship so you either have to resist and move past all these thoughts to look at his phone or look her up or if it puts your mind at rest DO IT! .. I'd never suggest anyone go through someone's phone but In a situation like this it's a far less bad thing to do than what he didn't you and your relationship

In same position in that we're trying to work through DH's emotional affair.

I've decided not to check his phone. If he really wanted to contact her then there's plenty of ways that wouldn't show up on his phone. I can't control DH. It has to be down to him and his conscience.

Actually, under the circumstances you're behaviour is quite normal.

I did message her too, to to ask for respect going forward. I got a shitty reply back then noticed her picture disappears so she must of blocked and and then later on she must of innlocked me then she has changed her picture to one where she’s more dressed up. It made me read into it. I check her Facebook and Instagram which are locked. I want to check his phone but instead I have once asked him to show me instead of sneak behind his back. They work together and generally there will be an email daily purely on work updates so that’s a bit hard to take. It’s making me ill I just want to cut off from it.

Anyone else have any other advice to stop the habit of checking up on social media and him too?

Time is the only thing that will help, if you need to check then check. As the trust rebuilds you will feel the urge to check less and less. Be kind to yourself and expect no less of him

Thank you. I’m really struggling but am doing what I can to try and get on. It’s so weak to go elsewhere for an ego boost. I don’t think men understand the impact this has.

I'm not in your situation, not married, so I know I can't appreciate your pain. But what I would say is that recently I got very very stressed in what was a lovely relationship and I was checking online a-l-l the time - whatsapp online blah blah. I drove myself round the bend. Then a couple of weeks ago I made a decision to stop. I won't let myself behave like that. I want my head space back, and I do feel better for it. Try for a few days to give yourself the space of deciding not to check. It's only a few days, if you feel more anxious, then you can always have a re-think. But not being so dependant is sort of 'liberating', gets some dignity and sense of self back if you see what I mean....

I don't think it's a man thing, @Support 2019. I had an emotional affair (never, ever sexual - but 'reliant', as you rightly say), and I am a woman. If your DH is willing to move on, I think you have to do your utmost to salvage what you have with him and not look her up. Bloody social media. I am glad I have never used it (except for MN).

A lot of getting through this is about how he behaves.

The cheating spouse has to help you heal, if you're to feel secure and regain trust.

If he does his part, you're less likely to be checking her SM.

If he is remorseful he'll comply and bend over backwards.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Not hearing much about what he's doing to fix this, OP. You can't fix this by yourself and the first thing that should happen is you showing some compassion for yourself. It is in no way your fault that he overstepped the line, all of that is ON HIM.

I strongly suggest you visit ChumpLady and start reading her blog.

Don’t accept any blame. He could have spoken to you if he had issues. Instead, he chose to develop emotional intimacy with this OW. This is down to his own weak boundaries and sense of entitlement.

What work is he doing to help you heal?

Thank you so much for your comments.

This whole thing has been a shock. A wake up call for both of us to address what’s been wrong. I’ve seen the messages and nothing sexual but a few crossing the line and they were hidden so that’s enough for me. It’s the betrayal that hurts. Unfortunately he has to be in daily contact woth her so the working weeks I find impossible. I feel immature that it drives me insane and that I should be strong enough to move on so it’s a vicious circle. I’m constantly second guessing him, asking him more or else daily about it and that’s no way to live. Anything betrayal wise due to low self esteem I knew would be terrible for me and i’m really struggling.

What would you expect about the daily contact? From what I have seen it’s just work emails but it still drives me insane. Will she always be an issue for me with them working together do you think?

I’m trying to do the right things. In terms of self care I am eating better, looking after myself as much as possible. I’ve been to the doctor and i’m due to start antidepressants and i’m on a waiting list for counselling.

In German of our relationship this has forced us to discuss our issues. We have neglected each other, been distant. I have been rude to him and engrossed with work. So in some ways we are having the relationship we should of had before. We have sex a lot more then we did as we are making the effort to stay in the same bed (we barely did before) and spend time .org there even if that’s what hung a programme of an evening together. What hurts is we neglected each other as much as the other and I didn’t cross boundaries. It was a distraction for him I understand why but it doesn’t change how it hurts. It’s so up and down and I feel second guessing him all the time will not allow me to actually move on.

Terms not German!

Daily contact at work and 'business' emails are what you'll see. As he clearly feels entitled to look after his own interests, rather than your marriage, you won't see the stuff he hides. Because he has deliberatley hidden the truth of the situation, OP. She's still there and now your H has two women competing for his time and affection.

You were rude to him and were engrossed with work? And he chose to start an affair with someone because of that? Really?

You can't be strong enough to defeat all the gaslighting that comes with living with a cheater; no one could and why should you? You are worth so much more. Don't destroy your soul by trying to make this poor neglected man-child feel all big and strong and desirable. HE should be falling over himself in REAL CONCRETE ACTS of remorse that demonstrate his values your marriage over his ego.

I feel for you, OP.

Everything @BikeTart says.

OP, your thread title asks how to break the habit-a habit is a learned response which can be unlearned. Every time you feel.the need to check , do something else - has to be the same thing every time so something like do 20 Sit ups or polish a table. Two weeks should break a habit.

But........checking the phone is not really a habit - it is a manifestation of a deep seated insecurity that this situation has put you in. Unless you can deal with that , you will never be free of this feeling. You need to be able to really believe you can be without him so that you can get your feelings of self worth back. You may need therapy to help you with this.

Either that or leave the fucker.

OP most decent folk, like you, look for distraction from their stresses in things like, for example, going for a run or playing golf or watching mindless T.V. They don't decide to have dalliances with their colleagues. So 'it was a distraction' sounds like what he expects you to accept as justification for his crossing the line. You sound so very hurt and rightly so because that just isn't good enough, is it?

OP, your marriage may not be perfect but it is HIS issue that he did this, not yours our 'ours'. As you say, you did not cross any boundaries even though you could have easily made that choice. Because it is a choice or rather, a series of choices quite consiously made.

I would urge you again to go to the Chump Lady website and especially look at her blogs entitled 'Untangling the skein of fuckupness' and 'stupid shit cheaters say'.