Please help

[Rainbowcloud14]

Hello!
This is a really difficult post for me to write but I really need some help as not sure what to do. Myself and my husband have been together for 11 years, we have a 4 year old son. Basically our sex life is causing a huge problem and has done for a long time now. He has a very high sex drive and I’m at the point where it doesn’t really do anything for me and I could live without it. I love my husband dearly, I fancy him, it’s not anything like that, I just don’t enjoy sex. Our relationship is pretty good, we don’t really argue, we get on well, trust each other etc. However... this is a huge issue for him in that he’s saying he isn’t happy and our relationship isn’t working. He feels I don’t love him, and feels worthless. I do understand how frustrated he feels but also can’t help but feel sad that he needs sex and sex only to make him feel like I care about him and love him. I do everything for him, cook, clean, housework.. literally everything he doesn’t take on anything in the house. I feel really close to him, I talk to
Him about everything, he is always my go to person. I don’t know how to fix things anymore, last time we had an argument I decided that I’d make a regular effort to meet his needs as I really do understand that he’s frustrated but sometimes it’s so hard. I’m so tired by the end of the day and also have some health problems which don’t really help. I don’t want my marriage to fail over this as he really is my best friend. He also suffers from depression and I try to be as supportive as I can but I never seem to do the right thing. He says our lack of sex is affecting his depression and I felt like he was saying he’s depressed because of me which has obviously really hurt me. I’ve suggested we do sex therapy but he says we can’t afford it, I’ve also advised him to see his gp about his depression but he won’t because he doesn’t want to go onto medication.
I don’t really know what I’m asking to be honest, is it really normal for someone to need to have constant sex to feel loved wanted, worthy or useful? Surely all the other things I do for him should matter too? I do so so mich for him on a daily basis, and I just feel rotten that he doesn’t see any of that. It’s exhausting doing everything myself.
Sorry for the long post!
Thanks x

Why doesn't he use some of his energy to pull his weight with housework and then you may be rested enough and actually want sex??

There have been a lot of threads about this over the last couple of days. You're not a sex machine. He needs to DIY.

He has improved in that respect since our last argument but I still very much take on the lions share of everything. But then I feel bad cos he works full time and I work part time, although that wasn’t really through choice it was through my health issues as I would struggle to work full tine now. He does have a disability which limits what he can do ( and I don’t in any way resent him for what he can’t do) but there is still a massive amount he could do but chooses not to. I’d love to come in one night and not have to make tea, he’s made a meal 2x in 11 years.

Tell him! He needs to pull his weight.

Perhaps you would be more in the mood if he helped out more at home.

I thought my sex drive was low because of my ex. I was absolutely wrong. Having a man who does a good share of the chores has done wonders for my sex drive.

I did everything for my ex and just wanted to do nothing or sleep whenever I had the chance and I certainly didn't respect or appreciate him enough to feel the absolute joy that sex is with an equal partner.

Thanks for the replies. I feel a little like I’ve made him out to be a really bad person and he really isn’t, he’s really sweet but I really do need help from him. If I say this to him though he just tells me that I’m changing the subject or I can’t just focus on what he’s dealing with, as if I have to point score and throw things back at him. Sometimes he doesn’t even know what needs done because he simply doesn’t do any of it, he doesn’t even know where some of our dishes are kept in the kitchen cupboards. I don’t want to cause another argument by bringing it up again. I feel a bit helpless right now because I know that if I say any of this to him he will get defensive and say I’m just point scoring .

mustbethistalltoride.com/about/

I only found this after we had already broken up but it did help explain why we broke up, and why I couldn't have done any more than I already did about it. I don't think it would have changed anything with my ex as one of the main reasons we split was down to his inability to accept responsibility. But it might help with you guys.

Thank you, I will have a look at that. I think one of the biggest things is that I feel sex to him is more important than it should be and he discounts all the other things I do for him because he doesn’t get enough sex to satisfy him, so I end up feeling unappreciated and feel I can’t give much more. And maybe because I don’t need sex to feel happy and loved I probably underestimate the importance of it for him. But surely there has to be some sort of happy medium in this.. we just haven’t found it yet!

You don't feel like sex because you're shattered and you get no help from that sex pest man child. I'm exactly the same - super healthy sex drive when I'm with someone who treats me well, listens to me and pulls his weight around the house and makes an effort. In my last 2 relationships my sex drive plummeted because the minute I had children I was left to do everything around the house and all childcare.

You're employed as his housekeeper and sex worker then, aren't you, OP? I hope he pays you well because I can't see what else you're getting in out of it! Sweet indeed!

Its hard if you are lower libido to sympathize with how frustrating it is for the higher libido partner. It might seem irrational to you that he fixates on this one thing among others you can do for him, but it is something unique that he cannot share with anyone else. There are ladies with higher libidos who also feel this frustration.

He can't sympathize though with just how little you desire it compared with him, and how offputting and disconcerting all this pressure he is putting on you, despite his efforts not to. Still, it wouldn't hurt if he could do more around the house. The problem probably goes deeper than that, but it would be a good first step.

I also felt that way about my ex!

'why is sex such a big deal, why does it have to be so important, everything else we do should be enough'

But honestly, I don't feel that way with OH who puts the effort in. I look forward to it with him. At the end of the day it's a way of showing my appreciation for everything he's done, and a way of feeling close after all the effort we have both put in separately (he's not my DD's father so I do the work with her, and I work while he is retired so he does a lot of my domestic chores for me while DD is at school and I'm at work)

And we both feel, after working hard separately, we aren't doing enough for the other. I say to him 'all I do is go to work', and he says 'but you work so hard, all I do is a bit of cooking and cleaning'. And the sex is a way of saying 'you do work hard and I appreciate you for it'.

Absolutely not on the same level as with my ex where it was just yet another chore.

It's lovely that people see their partners as their "best friend" but I think it's also important to remember that he is also your partner and sex (or intimacy at least) distinguishes you from being friends and makes you something more.

I'm not saying you should have to have sex if you don't feel like it and it sounds as though both of you are not getting your needs met in different ways so I would suggest talking and counselling if need be to work through all the issues, not just his sexual ones. Yes, it will cost money but then so will a divorce if things are not sorted.

It's hard as neither party is really 'wrong' with how much or how little sex they want to have. Mismatched sex drives though are a big issue and it needs addressing.

With my exH I could have gone (and did!) for long periods of time without sex. I had zero sex drive with him. He worked full time but also pulled his weight around the house - did most of the cleaning/ washing etc so it was nothing to do with that- I just didn't want sex with him. I think it was partly due to the fact he made me feel like he felt he was entitled to it as my husband, and that in itself was a turn off. He never made me feel desired or sexy, he'd spend most of the time 'lovingly' taking the piss out of me but then expected me to perform for him when he felt like it... and then it was always very robotic and predictable.
Since breaking up (4 years ago now) my sex drive returned in a massive way and with my new partner I can't get enough. He treats me with love and respect and it never feels like he's expecting it, he's happy whatever we're doing. I would feel hurt and upset though if I felt he never wanted sex with me, despite being generally lovely in all other aspects, sex is important to me now and I wouldn't want to lose that. I'd want to understand why and try to work on that but ultimately I don't think I could stay in a relationship now where we never had sex.
I hope you find a solution OP