Red flags for neglect/abuse

[NowNameChanged]

I've NCd for this. Several threads and posts have got me thinking. I know my childhood wasn't great. I wasn't cared for emotionally and I know I have low self esteem and other issues because of my childhood.

But what are the red flags that professionals or those experienced in neglect would look for?

For instance, on one of the Madeline McCann threads, posters were saying that not having a toothbrush for each child is a red flag. I never had a toothbrush and didn't see a dentist until I was an adult. I feel deeply ashamed by this.

I was also exposed to age-inappropriate TV, watching shows like crime watch and prime suspect as young as 7.

I'm still trying to get my head around what was damaging and not OK, but hear myself making excuses. Like 'All kids got a slipper in the 80's'. The house was always clean and tidy, DM was very good at putting up a front for others.

Yes, not having a toothbrush is neglect. I think it was the Shannon Mathews thread, not the MM one.

Not having regular optician, dentist, foot measurements are neglect too. How come you didn't have a toothbrush or go to the dentist?

Thanks for your reply. DM was severely neglected and physically abused as a child. She hasn't deliberately neglected me, she just wasn't good enough. But I find myself making excuses like this for her. It's been harder since I had my own child to reconcile how I was brought up.

DM didn't get dental care and had all teeth removed as an adult. She had dentures, but this was a family secret. DB and I never had toothbrushes or dental care, she didn't go to the dentist either. It just wasn't part of every day life for her, so she didn't do it.

But if that is understandable and excusable, then where does that leave me as a mother? I know my DS needs dental care and take him for check ups. So why didn't she?

Other things like never changing bedding, having no sheet on the bed, just a mattress and duvet. Not having nice clothes, or clothes that fitted. DB ran away for a few weeks, should that have been a red flag that not everything was ok at home?

DM never once showed affected and I struggle to remember ever feeling happy.

I'm exploring some health issues I have that some suggest has roots in childhood trauma, but I don't know that's me or not.

Yes you have a childhood trauma and have been neglected.

From your DM background story it is proven that it is inter generational neglect - she was neglected - so didn’t have the emotional nourishment and resources to parent you appropriately - physically/practically or emotionally.

She couldn’t / didn’t give you what she hadn’t been given.

This will leave you with an emotional deficit - but you are aware of this - which is a major step and through good counselling you will be able to come to terms with your childhood, heal and be the best mother you can for your DC so that you can be the one to stop the inter generational neglect.

I think sometimes people just don't know how to parent because they weren't adequately parented themselves. It's easier for us because we've got a wealth of online information at our fingertips but our mothers wouldn't have had this

It brings to mind the famous Maya Angelou quote

"We did what we did, knowing what we knew. And when we knew better, we did better"

Thank you so much, you replies really help. I've had counselling on and off for 25 years so am always surprised when I feel 'triggered' again - I thought I had dealt with it all. Maybe it never goes away.

Aww OP.

I think you're right about trauma. It probably never really goes away and there will always be triggers - we just have to be aware of this fact and try to get better at dealing with it.

Your mum probably did her best. She was probably a damaged individual. All you can do is not be like it yourself.