Regretting divorce - do I need to give my head a wobble?

[LateNightSnacker]

I am 30 yrs old, I was together with ex Dh for 7 years, married for 1. I left after 1 year of marriage. Reasons: we were constantly fighting about my career and long hours; he constantly needed attention; his parents were smothering and his dad quite controlling; made me feel like my wants and ambitions weren’t as important as his; everything was always about him (little everyday things); he had some anxiety issues which made him quite angry and it would take him a v long time to calm down once something made him angry (usually me getting home late from work); every time we fought he threatened to break up which pissed me off to no end....he cried like a baby when I left and promised to change but I was so so angry. I was also always anxious about whether he would get angry about something and I hated that. I am ashamed to say I also just wanted a different life, I felt so smothered in that relationship in the last 2 years of it. And I just resented the lack of support for my career when i had done nothing but suppprt him in his (equally demanding as mine ).

9 months since the split - I hate my career and starting to really resent the long hours (we’re talking 12-14 hour days, 5 days a week, sometimes I’m not home long enough to have an 8 hoir sleep). I want to take a step back and have a normal job which would have solved most of our issues. He’s had lots of therapy for his anxiety. I’m dating someone new who is lovely but I miss ex-DH. we had so much in common, same interests, friends etc. And he was actually a nice guy most of the time.. I miss him and I’m starting to realize I had plenty of faults myself. And I’m so anxious and stressed - things I used to blame him for but now I think it’s just my personality. I texted him and asked to meet and talk so we are meeting on Saturday...I just really wanted to see him.

I just need some advice...or a hand hold...sitting at my desk at work crying

I’m also struggling with the lack of friends, I have no one to talk to. Another reason we broke up was that I felt he was keeping me from my friends, he always wanted to do things together etc. we would argue if I stayed out late etc. But since the split, I have barely seen my friends. There’s the ones that have stayed friend and with him only and then my friends who are all coupled up now and completely uninterested in socializing with me, no brunches, coffees, nothing. I’m not talking about wild nights out, just a coffee or sth. I have no one...and I really mean no one to talk to. And I’m a very sociable person usually so I struggle being on my own all the time.

The rose tinted glasses go back on very easily and I think you maybe reacting to current circumstances.

Do you think you used work previously as displacement therapy as unhappy at home and now you have to face reality. Grief for a marriage ending can make us yearn for the old days but you must have felt very unhappy to go through a divorce. I don't believe your reasons were trivial.

I could advise getting counselling as it is not fair on your Ex to yo-yo in and out of his life.
30 is often considered the age when we feel we are grown up. Perhaps you have changed but that doesn't mean he is the right person for the next 40 years of your life.

Don't offer any hope of a reconciliation as you need to determine what is happening with you. Make counselling a priority as it could just be a phase of grief.

Do you think you used work previously as displacement therapy as unhappy at home and now you have to face reality

yes, 100%. He hated my career and was constantly trying to get me to quit. So I always had to defend it and say to him and everyone how much I loved it. I couldn’t even complain about my boss being annoying from time to time because his answer would be - “it’s your fault, you should just quit”. Now I feel I lost my marriage over my career and I hate myself for it

Latenight you did the right thing. It wasn’t working.

If your job was flying and you were with your mates you wouldn’t give him a second thought.

What do you work as? Can you apply for another job?

Are there really no friends you can contact? Would you join a group or sports club to make new friends?

Your marriage ended because he was being an unsupportive dick.

Why would you need to baby sit a grown man?

So if you weren’t working such long hours and your friends weren’t paired up and around more would you still want to see him?

The problem wasn’t your job, it was his attitude! That won’t change just because your job has - it will just apply itself somewhere else in your life where you will also resent it.

So if you weren’t working such long hours and your friends weren’t paired up and around more would you still want to see him?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just really lonely amd I don’t know how to bounce back. I want to resign but I feel very strongly I need to stick with this because otherwise I will have thrown my marriage out the window for nothing. He was right all along and i should have quit from the beginning, I feel like such a massive failure. I found a private office where I am sitting and crying for the past 20 minutes

First advice - stop using the phrase give my head a wobble. It gives me an image of a silly, smirky person giving their head a tap. Divorce etc is too serious for that.

As you are only 30 I would try to work out what you DO want from life - eg not a moaning partner. Think about finances, can you give up this job to retrain, do a different job, take some time out to regroup. Why are you anxious. Are you worried you are missing out on life, too old to find a partner, never going to have any friends, feel trapped in your job?
If you can afford counselling I would arrange that, you can find out what changes you really need to make.

That won’t change just because your job has - it will just apply itself somewhere else in your life where you will also resent it.

That’s what I kept telling myself when Ieft.

Why are you anxious missing out on life, not having friends, failing, making any kind of mistakes.

I appear very confident at work and socially but I’m constantly second guessing myself, I have massive problems sleeping because i stay up and worry about the smallest things

The relationship with exDH made this worse as he was so unpredictable at times.

I don't think your Ex is the answer..you seem to be questioning your life.
It is not a bad thing to do..maybe you have been the "good girl", doing well in school and now a job but you are finding put who you really are.

Did you have parents who have lots of "shoulds"..should be married, should have a good job?

Are you in a career where burn out is common?

Now I feel I lost my marriage over my career and I hate myself for it
Not true at all.
You lost your marriage because your Ex was an abusive, controlling twat.
Just re-read your opening post.
It's written all over it.
There are tonnes of red flags in it.
Stop ignoring the red flags.
He will not be your saviour.
He has not changed.

Now take 1 thing at a time.
Get involved a hobby you enjoy and make some new friends.
Then you can tackle the job situation.
If you are seriously thinking of your Ex when you already have a partner then please end it with your current partner.
That's really unfair on him.

But...... for the love of god - do NOT get back with your Ex.
He sounds friggin' awful.
And so do his family!!!!!

You can't go back. It doesn't work. You might go forward to a new relationship with someone you dated before but you can't go back to the old relationship.

It is also really difficult to find a happy fulfilled relationship whilst you are feeling unhappy, lonely and anxious.

You need a plan:
Step 1 - Get rid of controlling husband - DONE
Step 2 - Review job / career and exchange for something you like better
Step 3 - hobbies / pastimes for your newly found free time that will allow you to meet new people
Step 4 - review life and see if you are now happy - if you are you can then add bonus extras like dogs, kids, men, etc..

Just because your husband was making you MORE miserable than your job doesn't mean your job cannot now be making you miserable. No one worries about their twisted ankle when they are midway through a cardiac arrest. Sort the ticker out and you then need a bandage for the ankle!

OP are you a City lawyer? That sort of job does grind you down after a while and it’s hard to see the wood for the trees as you are so tired and have no brain space. Don’t stay in a job that doesn’t make you happy because it’s tied up with your divorce in your mind. Focus on changing jobs, getting happy then reassess. However I agree with others that it sounds like there were issues between you and your ex beyond your job.

I appear very confident at work and socially but I’m constantly second guessing myself, I have massive problems sleeping because i stay up and worry about the smallest things

I would say counselling would help, something isn't right.

He was abusive. You have nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a better life. You made the right decision.

Get counselling/therapy and move on.

Jeez - I’m am pretty sure if the tables were turned at it was a woman complaining about her partner working 12-14hrs a day, she would not be labelled abusive and controlling.

It’s going to be hard to have a long term relationship pulling those hours.

A question to ask yourself: if you were working sane hours and not so lonely, would you still miss him ? By all means catch up with him, but It’s not fair on to dangle a reconciliation in front of him unless you are clear about your motives.

@AusFrosty he worked the same hours....and weekends...hence the unfairness. There’s couples who work opposing shifts, work abroad etc, it’s a bit unrealistic to only date someone who works 9-5?

Thanks everyone, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I think I just needed to get it off my chest, will look into some counselling.

@LateNightSnacker - yeah look l was reacting to some of the comments labelling him abusive and controlling - which I didn’t get from your original post.

I’m sure he is not perfect

My comment still stands - I think you need to reflect on your feelings and think about why you might want him back - perhaps it would work out 2nd time around- who knows?