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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a man with cancer

26 replies

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 12:46

My 5 year relationship ended in November. I am now very thankful that it is over and can see that it was a bad relationship for me. He had a serious alcohol problem and he really did not treat me well at all.

There have been a few "offers" from a few men in the meantime. Nothing has felt right (a couple of them were blatant requests for sex - along the lines of, you're single now so you must be up for it). One really nice guy asked me out but it didn't feel right so I turned him down.

Then there's this one bloke - I've known him since last February through a hobby but we have only seen each other very occasionally as the group only meets 4 or 5 times a year. When I first met him I was still with my ex (just got back together after a separation). There was an instant spark and I had to keep my distance as I was in a relationship and wanted to try again with ex (stupid).

I saw him at the weekend as part of the hobby group and there was that chemistry again. Plus we spent nearly all of the time talking to each other. His body language and conversation lead me to believe that he is interested in me.

But, he has cancer. He hasn't told me this but a mutual friend told me about this a couple of times over the last year. She did not say what type but that he is having treatment and that he often really struggles with the side effects - for example he has serious problems with a dry mouth. He is also extremely thin.
When I saw him at the weekend I hadn't seen him for a couple of months and he really does look quite ill - very thin, drawn face etc.
But his eyes sparkle and he has a fabulous personality. I'm not bothered about looks - I'm just mentioning it because it gives an indication of his illness.

I haven't talked to him/asked him about his cancer. I also didn't ask my friend what type it is etc - maybe I should have done but I didn't really want to be intrusive.
The problem is I could see myself really falling for him if I allowed myself to BUT (and please don't flame me for this) I'm not sure I could cope if his condition was then to worsen and become terminal. I lost my mother to cancer 5 years ago and am still struggling with it - also the relationship I was in was very damaging so I am still dealing with that.

I suppose I'm just looking to have a chat with some people on here to see what they think. I don't really want to talk to my friends in real life about it at the moment. I did talk to one really good friend and she told me straight away to forget it - she said it's different if you are already in a relationship with a someone and they get a cancer diagnosis, but to willingly start one would be "foolhardy". That's what she said - she shut down the idea completely.

What would others do?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2019 12:56

I really do think you need to understand what kind of cancer it is and what the prognosis is.
It will heartbreaking to fall for him and then have to deal with another death.
He may not want to talk about it at all.
But he may need a friend right now to discuss things with etc....
I'd try not to get too emotionally involved right now.
Just be there as a friend for the time being.

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 19/03/2019 13:00

I became emotionally involved with a guy I met OLD who was diagnosed with cancer ...it didn’t end well. Please be wary, for your own sake.

mrsdavys · 19/03/2019 13:04

Oh that’s so awfully sad!
All the best OP. I have no advice for you but it seems cruel to end things with him just because he’s very ill.

Ellisandra · 19/03/2019 13:07

She’s not ending anything because he’s ill!
She’s wondering whether she should even start something.

OP, I’m lucky never to have experienced someone close to me with cancer - and I would say, if you come to love him, you wouldn’t regret the short time and heartache if he didn’t recover.

But my husband is a widower to cancer. And I bet he’d tell you to walk away. (Because you’re not involved yet)

There’s no easy answer, but you are not cruel if you decide this isn’t right for you.

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2019 13:12

I'm sorry but you're being a bit presumptuous. You're presuming that a man in the middle of a battle like that would have the Headspace or energy for dating someone new.

I doubt it, tbh. He is clearly unwell and you don't seem to get the reality of what his life might be.

And you're already saying you can see yourself falling for him? Too soon, based on too little. You don't really know this man at all and you're saying that? You have no idea of his prognosis. This is all a bit mad, tbh.

Put the brakes on big time.

Mintychoc1 · 19/03/2019 13:12

There cancer and there’s cancer , some are always terminal, some are completely curable. You need to find out before you can make an informed decision.
I know what you mean though OP. One of the reasons I would never date a smoker is that there’s a 50% chance they’ll die prematurely from smoking, and I don’t want to walk into a situation with such bad odds.

Original poster

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 13:27

All the best OP. I have no advice for you but it seems cruel to end things with him just because he’s very ill.

I'm not ending things because he is ill. I am considering whether to start something/continue to let things develop

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/03/2019 13:33

I would be a friend to him - I'm sure that's what he needs at the moment, the poor guy.

Motherofcreek · 19/03/2019 13:37

onion just take a step back.

Juturna · 19/03/2019 14:01

Ten years ago I got together with my now DH, I already knew him in a friend of a friend sort of way and I knew that he had had cancer a year or so before. (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is incurable but treatable).

Since then, the cancer has returned, and been successfully treated, twice. Those times have been difficult but we got through them, together. We both know that it could return, more aggressively, at any time but we don't dwell on that. We don't know how long we will have together, but does anyone? Accidents and illness can happen to anyone, anytime, we just live the best life we can, and made the decision to enjoy what we have for as long as we have it.

It has actually given my DH a more positive view of life, no brooding on what might be, just let's get on and enjoy it.

Whatever happens, I will never regret the time we have had together.

TFBundy · 19/03/2019 14:17

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Original poster

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 14:38

I'm sorry but you're being a bit presumptuous. You're presuming that a man in the middle of a battle like that would have the Headspace or energy for dating someone new.

Maybe I am - but his behaviour towards me would suggest that he is interested.
Also I do have some idea of the reality of what cancer involves on a day to day basis having been through it with my mother.

And you're already saying you can see yourself falling for him? Too soon, based on too little.

Yes, see your point here from what I posted. I didn't mean that I had fallen for him or was about to next week based on a few meetings. I meant rather that I could see myself falling for him should things develop.

OP posts:

Girlofgold · 19/03/2019 14:44

In view of your mum and that you're still struggling with that. I would say no. No one knows what the future brings for any of us- but dealing with your grief for your mum is enough. I'm sorry to say but why walk head first into more potential complicated grief.

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2019 15:13

There are some cancers that have high survival rates, there are others like lung, stomach, oesophageal, bowel and pancreatic which are very different.

Your choice NEEDS to be an informed one. And tbh I would say it should be far more his choice, than yours.

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2019 15:42

Be careful and protect yourself.

A friend of mine had a brain tumour and everyone was wonderfully supportive. Lots of people meeting up for lunches and coffees. I could tell there was one friend he suddenly took more of an interest in and I gently told this friend I think he was developing feelings for her. She said I was just being daft - when they next met up for coffee he declared his undying love for her. She was mortified and had to let him down gently as she had no interest in him romantically whatsoever, nothing to do with the tumour and whether he would survive the major op. Which was one thing.

Except he then wrote about it on the internet and people replied saying how hideous the woman had to be for turning down someone because he had cancer. It devastated her.

0DimSumMum0 · 19/03/2019 15:51

I think as long as you go into things with your eyes open. Like the others have said he may come through his treatment and be completely fine but there is always that chance that down the line you could also become his carer.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 19/03/2019 15:59

I wouldn’t, I dated someone who previously had cancer as a teenager which had left him disabled. We had a child together and I gave up everything to care for him only to leave me for his ex. I didn’t miss the uncertainly and the hospital follow up trips. I think it’s different if you’re already in a relationship with that person and that got ill but my ex was an emotional abusive prick and took pleasure in grinding down my confidence telling my how my post baby body was digusting, even though he had intensive scar tissue I swore I would never get with anyone who had an ailment or illness.

TFBundy · 19/03/2019 16:55

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Original poster

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 19:14

Thank you for all your replies. A lot to think about there.

If it wasn't for the cancer I would definitely ask him out and see what happens.
But because I don't know what he is dealing with/has to cope with on a daily basis any move would have to come from him.
Then I would really worry that I would potentially hurt him and just add to his problems if it turned out that we weren't compatible or if I couldn't cope with it.

I don't think it would be right of me to "encourage" this as it were....
if he does have a form of cancer which can be cured then perhaps something could develop in the future but at the moment I think the whole thing is not a good idea.

OP posts:

Myusernameismud · 19/03/2019 19:19

TFBundy I'm fairly certain bowel cancer doesn't even make the top 10 cancers with best survival rates.

TFBundy · 19/03/2019 21:01

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Myusernameismud · 19/03/2019 21:14

TF that's probably where I'm getting mixed up. It's up there with pancreatic cancer, which is usually caught far too late as well.

Original poster

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 21:24

Yes the problem is that by the time bowel cancer is caught it is often too late. My uncle is currently receiving treatment for a second time - it had spread to his liver already before there were any symptoms the first time. They thought they had got it all but it was back again within two years.

OP posts:

TFBundy · 19/03/2019 21:44

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crimsonlake · 19/03/2019 22:18

In your own words you have just got out of a bad relationship, now a few months later you are contemplating another one. I think you need time on your own just to be you before you consider getting involved with anyone else, especially a man who is probably quite vulnerable right now.

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