Struggling with DP and MIL

[CaptainDamaged]

I want to try and make this as fair as possible because I’d love to show DP this thread after to try and make him understand how things like this hurt me.

We’ve been together 2 years and have an 8 month dd (yep was a very big surprise and not at all planned) who I love more than anything in the entire world. I have pretty severe ppd and ppa and have just had my sertraline dose increased to 150mg as well as being referred to a psychiatrist. I also was in a very abusive relationship prior to DP, my ex also cheated a few weeks before our wedding and shortly after I miscarried. Sorry for the overshare I just feel like this may be relevant because I know I do have a ton of issues surrounding trust/sensitivity/and how I react to arguments.

Me and DP get on for the most part though I do feel that I can’t talk to him about things without being stonewalled. For example if I say I’m tired from looking after dd he will say “well I’m tired from working away all the time.” Etc.

Sorry this is getting long, I’ll get to the main reason of this post now.

Last night DP came home after shower ending the day at his mum’s. He had gone over there to collect our dog after we had been on holiday. I do appreciate this as it’s quite a trek (50mins-1hr on transport). He told me about a conversation he had with his mum which went the following way:

DP: oh I have some exciting news!

MiL: puts head in hands don’t tell me it’s another fucking child.

Ouch.

To be totally clear, I don’t rely on anyone (not even my own mum) for supper/childcare/money so it’s not like she had any reason to say that. I do majority on my own because DP travels for weeks at a time for work. MIL doesn’t often travel to our house, I make the trip with dd and dog as often as possible and we have lovely craft days making stuff for dd (which I absolutely love). Dd has never been babysat by anyone, and tbh I’ve never really been apart from her. She is 8months old now and breastfedwith solids though she’s a terrible eater with solids and mainly wants boob. She’s very clingy to me which DP says is not ‘normal’, obviously I don’t think dd is abnormal but I am very clingy to her as well due to abuse I suffered as a child and the ppd/ppa.

When i said the above to DP (about me not relying on them for childcare etc and that the comment hurt me) he took extreme offence and thought I was attacking his mum (I wasn’t) and said I’m not normal, I’m crazy and overly sensitive that other mums don’t moan as much as me, other mums don’t have any support from grandparents etc they just get on with it. Also the old classic thing that he loves to bring up is money. “Dd has cost 60000 pound so far” “we have no money because of dd, we can’t afford another child that’s why my mum said that”. I sometimes think he resents dd financially as he’s always bringing it up. Always brings up the fact he pays rent and support the house while I’m on maternity leave.

Sorry this is long so I’m going to leave it there, happy to answer any questions you may have.

Thank you for the advice x

He's an immature man who sounds as awful as his mother. What parent constantly tots up what their child has cost to date? He's the crazy one. He's gaslighting you by making you out to be crazy and insensitive.

Your DH is an asshole.
You get NO support at all from him do you?
He's either away or moaning about you.
He actually sounds pretty abusive as well.
Just because your last relationship was VERY abusive.
Doesn't mean that this relationship is NOT abusive.
He sounds horrible.
Saying you are 'not normal' and 'crazy', is typical abusive behaviour said to make you feel like you are just that. Which you aren't OP. So please ignore those comments.

He doesn't understand at all what you do on a daily basis with your DC.
And NO, other mums don't have support of grandparents but they do have a present DH who wants to contribute to family life and looking after their own children!
And also.... lots of other mums DO get a lot of support from grandparents. I got loads from my mum and dad and from the in-laws.

I do wonder what you learnt about relationships growing up.
But... your DH is supposed to support you.
Love and cherish you.
Make you feel loved and supported.
He sounds like he does NONE of these things.

I'd also like to see the breakdown of the 60K it has cost in 8 months for your DC???? He's talking bollox - as usual.
You could put together a childcare bill so he can see how much it would cost if you weren't doing it all.
He would be very surprised by it.
You are a partnership. All money should be family money.

I also think this is probably the tip of the iceberg.
A call Womens Aid may help you to see this relationship for what it is.
Honestly OP. He's abusive and generally, not very nice at all.
He thinks he's doing YOU a massive favour, when in fact it's the other way around.

I don’t think he really wants to be in this relationship. That could be why he equates everything to money and sees his support as transactional. Unfortunately he is being nasty about it and he can’t seem to hide it any longer. He resents you and the life he is living.

By the sounds of it he doesn’t understand or appreciate you or your parenting. I’m sorry but I don’t think he is in love with you or that he likes his life with you. I would be surprised if you like living with him even if you love being a parent.

Maybe that is very unfair and maybe he does have feelings. If so, then you need relationship counselling. At the moment he is getting that from his mother who doesn’t like you, the fact that he had an unplanned baby with you or that he is living with you. So eventually he is going to be swayed by her.

Your child needs you both to do the right thing. That might not be together. She needs happy parents and if you don’t make each other happy then you will make her life unhappy.

I agree with PP. He's an abusive twat and a mummys boy. Be careful this doesn't escalate into more abuse because it sounds like he is gently easing you into it and therefore you can't see it. He is picking away at you in every sense. Get rid.

What a prick.

What a charming man, putting a monetary value on his child. Like the above poster, I'd love to know the breakdown of the "60k" that your daughter has apparently cost to raise in the last eight months.

His mother sounds dreadful as well, it was a very nasty comment to make. Why did he feel the need to tell you about it?

Why did he tell you about the convo with his Mum? I wonder whether he made it up to give him an excuse to argue with you about money, support etc?

Regardless, he's a wanker for having a tally on how much his DD had 'cost'.

Is the new pregnancy planned?

In what universe has an 8month old cost that much? He's such a bullshitter trying to play the victim!

Does he have any good qualities because him and his mother sound awful.

There are two ways he can react to an unexpected pregnancy and baby - become an adult and focus on real priorities and a sense of appreciation for what he now has - his own family!

He has taken the route of childish resentment and it sounds like you are to be blamed in every way possible.

This is not fair and not the behaviour you should learn to accept. Have an honest talk about how he can see things improving - the onus should be on him to identify what is wrong and make changes!
(I would leave his mum out of discussions as it sounds like she is encouraging him).

A few points I really wanted to comment on - your DD is only 8 months, and it sounds like you do the vast majority of her care, so it is not surprising she is clingy to you (although I would not call it clingy, I would say she is appropriately attached). It is very normal for a baby to prefer being with the one with the milk!

She is not overly interested in food because she is only 8 months, she will get there and I bet by her first birthday she will be eating more (food is for fun before they are one) also, she will probably still love milk, nothing wrong with that.

Your husband sounds like he was very defensive of his mum, and the hurtful things he said about you not being normal were very unkind. Is this a one off though, or does he often speak to you this way? You mentioned not feeling like you can talk to him about certain things. Tiredness is a hard one, because actually I imagine you are both knackered from your respective jobs. It is not a competition though.

Getting to the actual point though - the comment from your MiL was insensitive, her language nasty, but she more than likely had her son's (and your?) best interests at heart and was genuinely worried that he might be telling her there was another baby on the way. I expect he has mentioned his money worries to her, and I am sure she was also thinking of you - with little to no support, she might have been worried about how you would be able to cope with 2. I would tell your husband the comment hurt you, but try to move on from it.

Does your husband stress about your finances? You said the baby was a surprise, so maybe he is feeling resentful at the complete change of lifestyle and having to lose out financially as a result. It is a red flag, but only you know if this is an issue that is larger than his love for you and his daughter, or if it was a frustrated outburst which does not reflect his feelings most of the time.

I hope you can resolve this in whatever way is best for you, your DD and your DP in the long term.

I think they both sound really unpleasant.

You sound as if you’ve had a really tough time and he is too immature to realise or he just doesn’t give a fuck.

I raised dd1 by myself. It’s hard but worth every penny that I wasn’t stuck wity some tosser making me feel like shit.

Stop going to Mils.

Going on what he has already spent on his own child? He needs to get a grip. £6000 is fuck all!

I wish people could articulate themselves without insults.

My view is his mum was out of line and rude to say what she did. It sounds like she didn't want you to have any children at all.

Your DP is very odd to say the least. I've never once added up what my children have cost me. Neither has anyone I know. It's not normal.

He thinks it's some kind of competition as to who is more tired. My DH does this. If I'm sick...he's sicker. If I have a bad cough....he's had a worse one. I just laugh about it now.

Just because you aren't the only parent without childcare assistance from grandparents, doesn't mean you aren't getting on with it.

My parents live in a different city and couldn't assist, but it didn't mean I was not getting on with it, or that I couldn't comment on how lucky those who had support were.

He sounds resentful about the money your DD costs. Did you ever have discussions about having children before you got pregnant?

What a douchbag.

1. he's far too precious of his mum

2. it takes two people to make a baby, if you're on mat leave taking care of her he shouldn't be throwing money in your face

Sending you

qith the 60,000£ he threw out there, that does include rent and bills though not too sure what else. It’s funny because he used to pay his mum and sisters rent prior to me and dd, I doubt he ever threw it in their faces. We do live in a fairly expensive part of London but the cost of rent is maybe 100-200£ more than what he was paying for his mothers house. It fucking hurts so much, I remember being 6 weeks postpartum and thinking “I need to go back to work now” because he was just making me feel like a bum. I spent all my savings on the deposit for the house, plus furniture for the house and the funny thing is is I bought pretty much all of dds stuff myself. All her furniture except her bed (though I paid for the matteess) most of her clothes, toys, blankets etc. He paid for the pram. I paid for those things without a second thought because I love that little lady more than life itself and would never fucking use it against him. I have nothing in this world apart from her. No money for haircuts, no money for nice clothes or makeup, I haven’t even had one night out with friends for dinner or anything since she’s been born. Everything I have goes on her, every cost I spend is for her or on her (days out, clothes, extra toys). I put so much thought into how I bring her up, cook her food from scratch, buy her Montessori related toys and natural treasure baskets, constantly engage with her 24/7, like I really plan our weeks ahead of time I don’t just sit on my sofa watching tv all day (not that there’s anything wrong with that!!) I honestly have given this 110% at the expense of my own mental health and I can honestly say I have a really happy and clever baby who makes me so proud and makes me feel so loved, and yet I have nothing else in this world to show for it. No house for us, no life for us, no nothing. If he chooses to leave us I will not get by financially, I won’t be able to go back to work (v long hours with literally no childcare support from family). I feel so trapped.

Haha well, I guess I’m not showing him this thread after all, if he saw what I had written there I would never hear the end of it. I gave up everything for this life and I have never thought I had made the wrong decision but I do wish things were better. I don’t want to have sex with him, he proposed but I literally cannot even wear the ring. I don’t want to marry him. I’m so fucking sad and lonely it hurts.

Wow, what an arsehole!

Last time we had a fight he told my mum I was abusive towards him, didn’t allow him to hang out with his friends, and needed to be put in a mental hospital. Tried to convince my mum that him and her had to get me sectioned... maybe it is me! I try so hard. When we fight I go quiet and leave the room usually to lie in bed which isn’t the best way of handling things, but I don’t do well with confrontation. I don’t like fighting, it scares me.

Have you ever had any therapy about the abuse you suffered as a child. Talking to NAPAC with regards to this could help you. Your abusive childhood screwed up your boundaries hugely and you have picked up a lot of damaging lessons about relationships. These men targeted you because they could sense something within you they can and have indeed exploited to their own ends.

How can an 8month old child cost 60K to date?. No, I don't buy that for a second. This individual resents you, your child and your as yet unborn child hugely and you would be better off without him in your day to day lives.

I think that with this current man you are now with, you went from one abusive relationship straight into another one. This particular individual is not the same as your ex but he is moulded out of the same rotten abuser handbook 101. The rotten apple that is your partner did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his mother, like mother like son here. Both are repugnant.

No its not you, its him.

What was your mother's response. Did your mother believe him over this man?. You would not be sectioned merely on his say so either. This is another weapon he is using in his arsenal against you.

I do not think he actually has any intentions of marrying you at all.

You need to get away from this man urgently before he injures you putting you in hospital or worse. You would be better off in a refuge because you are being abused at his hands in terms of emotional and financial abuse on his part.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

This makes me think you need a lot less time with him and his mother and to look at other options..."I’m so fucking sad and lonely it hurts."

If you do not feel able to ask him to change or contact Women's Aid yet, make sure you make contact with positive constructive people around you. Try to get out of the house for thinking space and look online at support networks. It sounds like you are taking this in and trying to put the pieces together to move forward.

Get. Out!!

It’s not you, it’s him. Stop visiting mil, if she asks when you’re coming you can say I’m not, I had thought you enjoyed those afternoons with dd and I but I’ve been put straight. You shouldn’t have had to pretend.
And make plans to leave.

I will most certainly stop visiting her, it’s so hard travelling over there with baby and dog, plus listening to the passive aggressive digs.

Would you say anything to her? Is it worth sending a message?

Don’t bother sending a message. It will be just another tool to beat you with

He tried to have you sectioned

Can you move in with your dm? This post is so sad.

If you know him 2 years and have an 8month old you were pregnant after 7 months. This may have been a big shock for dps mom. Hence the comment but it was quite a rude way to put it.
However your DP sounds cruel and aggressive and this is not going to improve.
You sound like you are doing a good job as a mom. You would be better off longterm on your own.