How to cope after husbands emotional affair - both working on the relationship now

[Peace1st]

Hi,
I am new here, would appreciate any advice with my situation below.

Jan this year i found out about my husbands emotional affair(not from my husband but though another source). He was extremely apologetic for his actions but at the same time did not answer/address all the questions that came from me. I found him extremely defensive and almost like he dint want to discuss anything more about it and that he loves us and will want to be with us(our son 10 years and me). I tried a lot to talk to him so that he can be honest and open but he is not keen to talk about it other than a couple of times (4 times total)where is extremely defensive and answers in yes/no. Some times i have give him like a multiple choice answers and he pics one :(
Now the current situation is that, he is willing to work on the relationship and we are going to relationship therapy. Even there i don't find him opening up. By nature my husband is very emotionally detached person, something i always missed in my relationship. I really did not know how much i need him emotionally till this episode unfolded.
My question is though we are working on our relationship, i don't see how he can be any better than before especially when it comes to my emotional needs. Especially when we are not even communicating truly how we feel and what our needs are. We are just not arguing and just do things together and we try to work on our mistakes but right now everything in on a snail speed. I feel demotivated and fake in this relationship, as i am constantly watching myself (how i talk, am i being bossy etc etc).
Even though i am very sure that i like to give our relationship another chance i am finding it extremely hard. Each day is different, one day i am happy and the next day i am in tears. I still am angry that he could do something like this.
Please share if you have been though something and if there is anything that you have done that helped you.
Thank you

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Your H established emotional intimacy with OW, and was willing to devastate your and your son’s lives. You learned of his affair from a third party.

Because your H is defensive and a closed book, you are stumbling around in the dark, unable to move forward. It sounds like you want to forgive, but you don’t know exactly what you are forgiving. You are suffering and he is continuing to hurt you.

Certain requirements are necessary for affair recovery. Your H doesn’t get to decide what you need to heal. A truly remorseful partner will do the following:

*He must answer all of your questions whenever you need to ask. He needs to do better than one word answers. In betraying you, he was treating you with contempt, and he still is. By being defensive and blocking you, he is trying to make you shut up and back off. Are you sure he isn’t still in touch with OW?

*He must accept your hurt and anger whenever you need to vent.

*You need full transparency on all devices, phone bills, bank statements, etc.

*He needs to completely cut contact with the OW, and if she is a work colleague, he should change jobs if possible.

Did you impose any consequences for his infidelity, such as having him leave for a while to experience how it feels to lose you? He needs to know that you mean business.

Please do not accept any blame for his cheating. To be unfaithful indicates that he has weak boundaries, poor coping skills, and a sense of entitlement to pursue an illicit ego-boost. Ideally he would seek individual counseling to investigate his weak elements that allowed him to cheat and learn ways to safeguard.

Hopefully in couples counseling you can address your needs for recovery, as well as your emotional needs in general.

You should also consider seeking the support of individual counseling to have a safe place to express yourself.

Im sorry op. I don't think you're going to get the answers you need. I've had a similar experience and years on nothing has changed. It was a mistake for me to stay. My H is happy to rug sweep and be defensive regardless of the distress it causes me.

Thanks Msdoglady!
That’s exactly how I feel, I feel like it’s my right to have my questions answered but if I bring it up he is like a different person. Tried many times in different ways so he can open up but no good. Even before this affair news he was always someone who did not know how to connect to someone. He is not close to anyone in his family and not even to our son.
When things are good like good times he can handle and laugh and joke but the minute there is an issue or son is upset about something he does not know how to comfort him. He does not appologise either. In the last few years I have seen a different person and I feel like he is going through a lot of changes but unless he tells me I don’t have any idea how to navigate this situation or even help myself. I always seem to give him the benefit of doubt because i truly love him and I know it is not his strength to build lasting and open relationships. Not sure if he is this emotion less with us how he ended up having an emotional affair .
This TP does work in the same office but October 18 he moved to a different team which is also in a different building but still all buildings are next to each other. Her husband also works there and he is close friends with him. I confronted him and asked him how he can be friends with him still and that he should distance him but I don’t think he is doing it. I am fed up, no open communication between us about this topic.
Thanks once again I do appreciate your reply and think I will bring it up once more and see how he responds.

Thanks Sprouts21!
Exactly this is what he does and he thinks that it is good for us because we can move on. Even the therapist had a hard time to make him understand that he needs to talk about things little at a time but talking to each other is very very important.
He does talk but I have to drive the whole conversation and the mood and the before and after etc so much that I become tired of the whole thing.
My energy is gone and at the end I feel I have not got much out as he is not opening up.

Sorry you are going through this Op

He was found out, he didn't choose to tell you.

He is now probably feeling somewhat forced to share and has agreed to therapy to placate you.

That doesn't mean he will particularly receptive to counselling, but is most likely there as he feels it's the only alternative as he's been 'found out'

Horrible situation, he has capacity to lie to you and most certainly by omission.

Same thing here.It was really hard for my DH to talk about emotions as he had never been great even before this.
I know he wished he could just say sorry
and move on.But a good therapist should be able to make him see that it is not good enough.
The fact that he is willing to go to therapy is a good start. But what is the point if he won't participate.? Ask him what he hopes to gain from going.

@Peace....Not sure if he is this emotion less with us how he ended up having an emotional affair confused.

This is what I was going to say. He's emotionally detached yet having an EA!

My ex was the same. Agreed it "wasn't right" but never accepted it was really wrong or an affair because they didn't have sex. So he expected me to just get over it, be grateful he "picked" me and didn't want to discuss. We did try again but the trust was gone and it made me a paranoid wreck whenever he got a message. That's one of the things with EA - you are on full alert even when the person is in the same room as you - even in bed. It's not sitting worrying your DP has gone to a night club. With EAs, you get go worry when they are with you and when they are not.

It's relentless and it wears you down. It's no life. My advice would be to separate before you have no self esteem left. Sorry this is happening to you.

From what I have read it is extremely rare for cheaters to do what Doglady suggests. All websites, books and therapists insist this is what is needed but very few actually do it. I think many cheaters don't have much of a real connection with their spouses and the only emotion many seem able to express is anger and contempt.

Eventually you will get tired of pulling teeth and trying to fix this on your own, and in a way you don't need answers from him anyway.You know what he did, how he justified it to himself and how he was comfortable lying. They are boring, predictable and selfish.

My advice is to detach. Do the 180 on his arse and put your energy into yourself and your other relationships.

Thanks sprouts! I love the way you said it. I am focusing on my job search. In October my contact finished where I was working for part time school hours and it worked well. I have no luck with part time so started looking for full time now. And I am looking after my mental health by exercising etc. All along i have put family first but this has been a wake up call for me.

Isn't it dreadful that you are now having to work on things when you did nothing wrong in the first place.

Chuck him in the bin, you deserve better op.

OP, our situations so similar . And the advice you have been given is great.

I have just posted about me and my DH. Think I will take on board the advice you have been given.
I too, hate that we have to go through this , despite the fact that it is our DH that damaged the relationship.

To us .And anyone else going through this.

Thank you Ferfecksake! I am sorry you are in the same situation! How is your both communication? Ours when it comes to important things is ZERO. Everything else my H talks about but when it comes to feelings and this EA issue he is quite and defensive. I have become very insecure so I am sharing my problem with friends and forums so I get some ideas. I get looked after well by my friends but when it comes to my husband no communication.
Do you think these husbands will ever open there mouth and tell how they feel ?

Getting my DH to open up and TALK is and has always been difficult.
I knew his mother especially would give the silent treatment and cut you off if you openly disagreed with her. And so, DH has always avoided confrontation at all costs.
Only in therapy , with her asking leading questions , does he finally bit a bit forthcoming. He is always afraid of my reaction and hates when I get upset.

How he ever got into in EA ? But it was also LD , so "safe".
I have not told anyone in RL , so no support , except therapy.
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it and should just LTB. Not easy , is it?

My H was like this - unable to communicate or talk about anything vaguely emotional . He had an affair, begged to stay , then he left after 4 years . I now have a new partner and realise what I was missing all those years . I can talk to this new man about everything and vice versa - it makes life so much easier and enjoyable.

This is exactly what I keep thinking in my mind if it is worth it. But right now I am not in a stage to make any big decisions. So I am focusing on myself as much as possible and going to therapy together. I have been honest in the therapy but I think H is not opening up.
I want to try my part in this relationship so I know for sure when I make a decision that I have done all that I could. Yes my emergy level around him is not the same anymore. I feel to make him talk is draining me and moreover I don’t think I can do much more. But I am hoping that we both will change our bad habbits even little bit and see how it looks. Sometimes I think this is like a dream. But have to still try I guess

It took me 18 months to feel any kind of 'normal' again after I found out my partner had had a long, deceitful EA a couple of years before I found out. I was heartbroken. I wanted to work through it because I loved him, wanted our DC to have both parents at home, and because I thought I would be ok eventually.
I wish I hadn't.
I was in so much pain for over a year, I wasn't myself at all. Still, 4 years on from finding out I think about it and the worst thing is that I realise my partner is not the man I believed him to be and I've no idea if he'll do it again. He probably will when I'm older and less able to find a new man. I still think about leaving.
Unless your H gives everything he has trying to make it work, it isn't worth it. He shouldn't still be giving minimal detail if your asking for the truth.

There’s a difference between an EA that was found out by the admission of the spouse who wants to stop the EA and build on the primary relationship vs one that has been found out and then feels forced to reveal details about an EA he had no intention of making you aware of or stopping until he was caught.

I hope he does recognise the error in his ways but I suspect he doesn’t, sadly.

(I say this as someone who was in an EA, ended it and worked on my primary relationship and we are stronger from it)

I'm glad you're focusing more on yourself op.

I read on a forum once that many marriage counsellors used to approached infidelity on the basis of what needs were not being met in the cheater that caused them to cheat. From my own experience and what I have read it seems that often the cheater has all their needs met, yet they don't come close to meeting the needs of the spouse they betray, and haven't done for a long time.