What am I missing about this?

[confuzzledman]

My ex and I had been arguing for a while. There had been a lot of nasty things said, but we kept in contact, presumably because neither of us really wanted to split. Both have our insecurities. Both have told the other we've arranged dates (when we haven't - it's just been said to hurt each other.)

Last week, after being dumped, I booked myself an overnight stay jus for myself in a spa hotel. After we started talking again, I emailed today to let her know. I'd already told her I was away for the night, but clarified by saying.

"To make you feel a little easier, I'm going to xxx spa tonight. I'm not on a date. You are welcome to call if you wish."

This was to clarify that I wasn't on a date. I then had a shower. By the time I got out, I had emails containing all of the following:

"Who are you going with? You're spending overnight in a spa?"
"I feel much worse now I know you're at a spa overnight and have dinner booked with some mystery person."

"Finding out you're at a spa with someone and have dinner booked is very very odd. I'm allowed to call? Gee thanks, do I need to call at a specific time so I dont interrupt who you are with?"

A few hours later when I pointed out that she shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and accused me of being with someone, she said:

"I never accused you of being there with someone. Utter lies.

"Read both the email and WhatsApp back and I never say it. It's all in your head and you had a rage of anger because of a made up thing in your head."

Am I missing something here? I know emails can be misinterpreted, but hers were clear no?

I'm sick of being accused of things I've not done - and then have it denied that the accusation occurred. Please tell me I'm not going mad here....

I’m not sure why saying fuck off is any worse than calling people dipshits, I imagine if I had a perch to fall from that would have been the point at which I fell?

I absolutely love this post!!!

What a response

I think "you're boring" has been the high point personally

Ok. I'll add some context. Around the same time I met her, I got cancer. She's 13 years younger than me, and initially made me feel very good from a confidence point of view, which given I had scaring and an ileostomy, I probably needed. She was also initially very supportive. I fell in love with her. It happens Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people.

And now, losing her hurts a great deal. And yes, I feel I've been gas-lighted too. Don't get me wrong - I've been dragged in to the argments and I've said vile things. But these have almost always been after days of abuse from her. I think she used my vulnerable position.

So while I appreciate that the relationship is toxic etc, what I really wanted some some confirmation that this isn't my fault, that I'm not being crazy, and that she clearly is making accusations. Because if she isn't, there's a chance I've got everything wrong and the whole thing is my fault.

The negative comments don't help. You don't know people's situations and perhaps should remember that. I asked a specific question because I'm either trying to gain the strength to leave the person I love and perhaps die alone, or have to accept that my concept of what is right/wrong is totally off.

Alright, I'll bite. You said you weren't on a date. However, you didn't say you were alone. So I guess if you had been previously messing each other about, you could have been meeting someone for dinner and still been honest in a literal sense that you weren't on a date. Perhaps that's what she was honing in on?

So while I appreciate that the relationship is toxic etc,

I think the point is you don't have a relationship.

She's an ex. You've already left her.

The fact that we almost all made negative comments should show you your relationship with this woman isn't healthy. Yes she was gaslighting you, you were told that right at the start of the thread.

You've just said you suffered days of abuse from her. Come on, what would we all say to a woman whose male ex did that? They wouldn't be positive comments, would they?

You KNOW the truth. You don't need us. What you need is have nothing more to.do with this woman and, I repeat, work out why you accepted her behaviour towards you.

@QueenEhlana I understand that. I'd also said she could phone me. I didn't specify a time - just left it open. I thought that would demonstrate that I was happy to be called, which I wouldn't if I wasn't alone.

However, even aside from that - wouldn't the right thing be to ask me, rather than just go on about some mystery person I'm having dinner with?

This isn't isolated. I've had false assumptions presented to me as fact this way a lot of times. It adds up.

I think I accepted her behaviour because initially I was afraid of dying alone. I don't mind admitting that.

After that, I loved her.

After that, I think I accepted it because when pushed, I said some truly vile things back to her. But this was always as a response. I

So everyone, including yourself, says it’s toxic. You agree she has lights you and throws days of abuse at you.

What’s your plan?

Gas

Her messages very clearly stated that she believed you to be on a date with someone. Her denial of that is ridiculous. If you want to prove it to her, just annotate some screenshots.

I'm very sorry about your diagnosis, it must be incredibly frightening and no wonder you want a partner, however the cost with this one is too high. She's a nasty person and she will only hurt you, you're better off alone. I would reach out to friends at this point and have a break from relationships, it sounds like you are in a very vulnerable place.

At the same time as sending the email, she sent WhatsApp messages saying:

"So just so I understand. You are going to a spa by yourself and have dinner booked by yourself tonight? Or if you're going with someone and you're not on a date then
who are you with?"

She's since used this to justify her email, because in this she appears to ask if I'm alone. I still read this as an accusation personally, but even if you don't, surely it doesn't negate the accusation in the email?

Well technically I'd term it a question rather than an 'accusation'. Also if you had a 'rage of anger' that was unjustified, clearly you both have a culture of attempting to make the other jealous so she wasn't exactly out of left field with her questions.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who spoke to me like she speaks to you but maybe you speak as badly to her, I don't know what language you used.

The WhatsApp I agree is a question. The emails I don't see as such.

I got angry because I've had months and months of her accusing me of thngs and then denying doing it.

Why are all of you attacking the OP?! People say and do stupid things in the heat of the moment - especially when it comes to relationships. Just because they may have said something immature, does not make them immature people. And making such negative comments is not helpful or indicative of a mature nature yourselves.
Now, OP, my thoughts on this would be she misread what you said, got really upset and stressed and fired off a heap of messages thinking you were with someone and now she’s realised you’re not she’s probably just embarrassed and trying to back pedal. There’s obviously care there for you for her to get so stressed over the thought of you being there with someone else

OP were you hoping she'd join you at the spa?

I think you would be happier on your own.

Whether or not emails were clearly phrased is irrelevant. Loving relationships don't get derailed by vague (if they were, I'm not making a judgement on that because it is irrelevant) emails.

The relationship as you've described it is unhappy, full of jealousy and paranoia and spiteful petty revenges. It is a waste of your precious time.

OP she did accuse you of being with someone else. It called gas lighting and is abusive behaviour.

The relationship and contact is toxic and not doing anyone any good. This is a relationship you shouldnt in. You should be no contact with her.

There’s a toxic cycle that you are both the victim of and perpetrator of. You choose to stay in the cycle by focusing on the rights and wrongs of individual situations and refusing to see the pattern/ cycle.

Your biggest problem is refusing to own your shit. You broke up, did she need to know you were in a spa? What would be so bloody urgent that you’d need to be contactable? You’ve both normalised game playing that you don’t even recognise that your doing it, to the point that when you get the reaction that you’ve been seeking, you claim plausible deniability.

For this relationship to work both of you would have to grow up and take responsibility for your individual contributions to its toxicity. However, ‘I say vile things because she makes me’ suggests that you are nowhere near that point.

It’s entirely your right to keep perpetuating the cycle but don’t be surprised when you don’t get a different outcome.

However, even aside from that - wouldn't the right thing be to ask me, rather than just go on about some mystery person I'm having dinner with?

You deliberately made your messages vague by not stating you would be alone. You did that on purpose. She reacted exactly as you hoped she would.

Now she’s back-tracking, and your plan (to innocently make her jealous) backfired.

Stay away from each other.

This isn't isolated. I've had false assumptions presented to me as fact this way a lot of times. It adds up.

Right. But your relationship is over now, so stop communicating because it isn't normal or healthy.

Yes, she was mean there, in that interaction. But you are not in a relationship anymore. So you need to act like that.

Stop giving each other fuel for fire, and get some distance in between you.

As others have said, you have got into very negative patterns of interaction with your ex, which it would be extremely difficult to get out of now it’s all so entrenched.

You need to step away from this toxic dynamic which is absolutely not good for you (or her even if she’s the instigator).

You deliberately made your messages vague by not stating you would be alone. You did that on purpose. She reacted exactly as you hoped she would.

Now she’s back-tracking, and your plan (to innocently make her jealous) backfired.

Stay away from each other.*

This.

And I see that you've left the 'rage of anger' part from your end out.

Yes she is gaslighting you.
Those messages are clear.
She thinks you are with someone else.

But...... Why did you need to tell her where you were in the first place.
Please move on with your life without this person in it.
She brings nothing positive to it now.

Block, ignore, delete!
It's time!!!!!