Is my boyfriend gay?

[user1478811493]

Hi lovelies,

Just seeking some advice if I may. This may be quite graphic though. I am sorry in advance.
I have a gut feeling that my boyfriend is gay. I just want to know what your thoughts are, as I have not been able to discuss this with many people. I don't even have hard evidence, just a gut feeling. And then when I think about things, it could make sense.
Although I have asked him, and he got very defensive and yelled NO I AM NOT GAY.

The signs: Before me, he had never been able to commit to a long relationship, stating that he was just used and abused and got hurt. I basically soon found out (After in depth conversations with his mum) that he was actually the one to end the majority of the relationships.

Prior to our 3 years together, his longest relationship was about 8 months. (We are both 30)

Anyway, the first year was rocky. One minute he didn't want to commit, and the next he did. He was yoyo'ing me around quite a bit (Dont ask me why I stuck around!!)

Graphic Section
Now, he had an obsession with sending and receiving nude pictures. Quite common nowadays, but he generally loved sending me pics of his penis and videos. (I was not too keen, but did go along for fun)
This suggested that he was very sexually active.
Now, when it came to actual sex. The first time he struggled to mantain an erection. And the second time was, I guess boring. He didn't touch me, . It was all one sided. I guess it was also pretty quick. 3 years later, and there's no change. He has been down on me maybe twice, despite me telling him this was my favourite thing. He has quite frequently struggled to maintain an erection.
Now, he is very vocal during sex. But what he likes to talk about is how his penis feels in my mouth for example. ''Does it feel big, does it feel hard, tell me how it feels in your mouth'' etc.
He is also quite into anal, and licking that area (I am not) In fact, he tried to lick that area months before he even considered going down on me!!!!

Regarding porn - I do not know what he likes, but I do recall seeing a search history entry for a porn star name with black cock anal.

OK, that's the gross stuff out of the way!
Non Graphic section
The other signs. He always spoke about his best friend. For the first year I hadn't met him. But the boyfriend spoke about him all the time and they had their sleepovers. When he spoke about him, it was passionate. He used to say how much he loved him etc etc.
Now, when I finally got to meet the best mate, the boyfriend was very touchy feely with him. Touching his arm when he spoke, bumping his hip into him etc. Hugging him before sleeping. They could just be close but yeah.

Another thing, is whenever an attractive guy comes on the TV, he always mentions it and never the females. ''Oh he's a hunk'' etc.

There was one weekend, where my father was in a pub and the boyfriend was in there with another one of his friends. My father said they were acting gay. (I had never mentioned my suspicions before this)

So there's the jist of it. If he is gay, he must be closested (His father wouldn't like it)

Although he may just be that way. Could you give your advice?

Thank you!

If you stay with this man you are settling. Settling for a distinctly mediocre relationship with a rubbish sex life with a man who you are going to talk into having children. The gay thing really is not even relevant.

I did exactly this. Things were always alright - never great but never horrendous. The sex was awful, but I didn't think it was that big a deal and I talked my (now exH) into kids and marriage - I thought this was as good as it got, life was never going to be perfect and I was very aware of my ticking biological clock. Fast forward 10 years and I was utterly utterly miserable but felt that because I had mad my bed I had to lie in it. We did end up splitting but it took another 6 years and was awful. We just should never have stayed together in the early days.

Of course life without him will be scary, you have had him by your side for 3 years but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. The right relationship will be with someone who wants to satisfy you, want to support you and will make you happy - not just content.

After fifteen years of mediocre sex believe me you need to get out now.
I stupidly did the kids and marriage thing and am too far down the line to do anything about it.
Please go now before any children are involved, you could have an amazing life with a lovely man but you won't if you stay.

Does he like lots of bum action on him?

Bum action. I've just spat out my tea!

Haha didn't know what else to say..sorry strength 666

The erection thing sounds like too much porn. And he wants you to talk dirty to keep him going which how can you do that with a c@ck in your mouth.

I can't even imagine wanting to do anal, just not my cuppa, but you must enjoy it to do it?

I did have a boyfriend, who was obsessed with bums and talking about anal, but very inexperienced in bed. I didn't do anal and our sex life was very low key. I didn't consider if he was / is gay. Hmmm very possible thinking about it, but he was catholic and had so much guilt about him. So yes probably just in denial. Plus whilst I'm not manly, I was a lot taller than him

I think a lot of guys like guys but don't want to. They have in their heads they have get married to a women and have kids as they thinks it is the default setting.

Why the hell would you have kids with him? Or even talk about it, the best dp can struggle when dc are involved or aren't very helpful at time let alone your dp.
He wanks to much that's why he can't get it up.
He doesn't go down on you because he doesn't like it, and why should he? I give my dp a bj on his bday and special occasions. Not every guy is generous and by the sounds of it your dp is more interested in his needs that yours.
How he acts with his friends is probably down to being so comfortable with them, my friend use to try and hold my hand, and I'd tell her to stop because I'm not that touchy person, she's not gay.
He sounds like he's in love with himself!
Also liking anal doesn't mean he's gay, sadly it's the cool thing now and it's naughty. My friend ex enjoys pegging, and he's straight.
Plus what his mother said about ending things means nothing, lots of guys cant commit, most relationship end because men do not act appropriate in relationship or are selfish. ( not all men)

You need to work out if he's the love you want to spend the next 20 years with or if he's the guy you had fun and made some good memories with.

He doesn’t sound gay to me. Most gay men I have met have been very caring. Everything does sound very one sided and selfish though.

Even if he loses his erection, he can still go down on you, you don’t need an errection to do that. There is more to sex than thrusting.

Anal? Some couples go for it, some particularly enjoy it, again not a gay issue.

Ending relationships? You don’t know if what you have been told about him being the one to end things is true.

Forgetting these things, yes, there is more to life than sex, but yes the right sex makes me purr and contented. Someone who did not regularly go down on me would be a deal breaker. No go down = no entry!

I think your gut feeling is correct. Once he even agrees slightly about being gay it becomes a 'thing' though and that is why he isn't going there!
I have an Ex that was as you describe. I think he was a true closeted homosexual in that he was gay but being gay didn't fit with his mental picture of himself in his head and so he supressed that side of himself totally. He also worked in a very masculine job and he was competitive. Coming out as gay would have been (in his head) devastating. He was a very unhappy person as a result and it stopped him fully committing to me or any GF in fact.