A difficult Mum

[ifonly4]

My Mum isn’t intentionally a nasty person, cares about us and is generous with birthdays. However, the way she thinks and deals with people is socially destructive for her and leaves me exacerbated, disheartening, frustrated over what she’s doing this to herself. I tried talking to her a few years ago, the outcome of which she didn’t speak to myself, DH or DD for 18 months.

Over the years she’s fallen out with her MIL, sister A, B and C, as well as having issues with coach and local bus drivers, local people who don’t agree with her point of view, neighbour for letting workmen use their joint drive when a simple chat could have resolved. I’m expected to just listen knowing it’s her way of thinking that’s the issue, not others.

She made up with sister A approx 15 years ago. Last week Mum phoned saying she was going to tell sister A where to go as she’d started seeing sister B more, feeling sister A was being disloyal. I told her I really loved her, but said she had no right to dictate who spoke to who, I wasn’t going to get involved and didn’t want to know. She continued the subject and I just lost it with her, resulting in her putting the phone down.

Auntie (sister A) phoned earlier, apparently my Mum has been in contact saying unforgivable things that aren’t true and didn’t make sense. Auntie knows Mum isn’t easy, but was still concerned I’d take my Mum’s side and she’d lose me. Hopefully I’ve reassured her (and my Uncle).

IF Mum will speak to me again, it's going to be the same thing for the next x years. I’ve often said she’ll outlive me due to the way she is. For this reason, I should deal with my emotions (despite everything I do care) and leave her to get on with it, but morally it pulls me apart that my own Mum will have no family to talk to (unless DD keeps in touch) and has absolutely no friends as she’s fallen out with them or doesn’t let them get near. It’s such a sad way to end up

If she ends up with no family and friends , that is a consequence of her own behaviour. As an adult that is on her and not you.

You are not responsible for her happiness.

Have a look at the first few posts on the stately homes thread. See if anything there rings a bell in regards to her behaviour and your response to her feelings.

Agree with Aussiebean.

My mother is very similar, playing people off against each other until last year she pissed off my aunty and uncle along with myself. She faked having cancer for attention and then moved away without telling anyone where she has gone. She has no friends except for her husband (my step-dad) who encourages her to cut ties and cause trouble with people.

We've all let her get on with it and feel that if she wants to cut herself off like that, then it is her issue. There really isn't much else you can do and I also recommend you read the Stately Homes Thread.

Change has to come from within, you can do nothing about it. She's presumably not the youngest, and unlikely to change. The only thing you can work on is how you interact with her.

What the other respondents have written and do have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Its not your fault that your mother is so disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way. She has made her own choices here and all she ultimately cares about is her own self. She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; consider yours here. What are your boundaries like with regards to your mother here?. She regards love as weakness, telling her that you love her probably drove her into further rages.

She sounds like a narcissist to me.

Thanks for your replies and support everyone. Last night the word 'toxic' came into my mind and when I checked one of the stately homes threads out, that word was on the first page.

For my own sanity, maybe now is the time to break the relationship.It's just dealing with my emotions and the fact she'll have absolutely no one for company or support in old age.

ravenmum funnily enough she is the youngest of her siblings. The only way I can work at my relationship is telling her what she wants to hear all the time, otherwise she'll become argumentative and tell me I'm not being fair/the way I think isn't right etc.

My mum's the youngest of hers, too. But still old enough not to be likely to change. I'd never tried confronting mine even (as an adult), until a year or two ago, when I thought I'd give it a go. Didn't work! The best I can come up with is to be fairly "grey rock", change the subject, that sort of thing. We don't meet often. She's more pleasant when unstressed: in her own surroundings, not too many people about. On the phone, for instance.

So when I say "work on how you interact with her", I mean change the way you interact with her, whether that means less interaction, not meeting in especially stressful circumstances places or times, etc., or only communicating through text/phone calls rather than meeting. And if/when you do meet, for example, just sitting and listening to her rants but without responding, until she runs out of stuff to say.

Sounds like my mum! Nothing is ever her fault, always everyone else. She has fallen out with most of the family and expects everyone to agree with her and send them to Coventry also!

Been NC for over 10 years, after a particularly shocking episode, no regrets. Disgusted that she has never so much as send my children a card in all those years. She will never change, and I have accepted that and she can carry on being bitter and twisted for the rest of her life as far as I am concerned. No loss to me or my children.

ravenmum thanks for your further comments, your post sums it up on all accounts. Whether on the phone, our house, her house or in M&S cafe, she's the same. Not quite so bad with DH around but sometimes it seems she's picking an argument with him about his views on politics, new programme on tv (I'm so lucky he's easy going and accepts she's part of the package - he says she's getting worse though). I wouldn't say I'm not interacting with her, but she's had a go at me before over sitting here "looking glazed" (this being due to the fact I'm brain dead!).

Yogagirl123 thanks for your post also.

I've often thought I'm the one whose not tolerant, not reasonable one. DH has a dream to move away in 3-5 years with guaranteed work before he retires - he's always understood me saying no, I can't leave my Mum and accepted it. I really need to be thinking of us don't I?

I was always made to feel that I was at fault, I would never be able to do this or that, learn to drive etc constant criticism and never made to feel good enough.

Then I met DH he supported me, encouraged me to get a better job, learn to drive.

Once I had my own children I knew it was wrong, never in a million years would I dream of treating them like that.

Put your own family first, because your mum won’t change.

Good luck OP, my only regret is for putting up with it for too long.

Yogagirl123 - sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation, but so glad you've got a decent DH and life has come together.

I know everyone is right, I just have to have courage. Luckily she hasn't phoned, but I do know there's something she'll want sort in the next six weeks, so that'll be interesting.

It's only once something happens and you make the break that you realise the script about them being an unconditionally loving, giving, generous mother is not true. It doesn't feel true at the time but deviating from this view of them makes you feel disloyal, like everybody else.

Once you get more perspective, you can see that everyone else was subjected to the behaviour you have put up with forever. And because they didn't put up with it, your mum fell out with them.

She's already shown you your punishment for standing up to her when she cast you off for 18months. Did this not make you question getting back with her or were you still taking the blame for the break?

Think of how you want your future to be. Compare her behaviour and treatment of you with how you would expect to treat your own adult daughter - this is a good yardstick as we're often trained to accept horrible behaviour ourselves, but wouldn't dream of inflicting it on our children.

Do what is right for your little family, life is too short.

I've got a difficult mum, OP.

She also falls out with her sisters regularly, mostly her fault, though I do think the family dynamics are awful as well, which doesn't help. Its nice your auntie tried to keep in contact with you.

When my own relationships with DM has been at its worst I have been No Contact at various times, also low contact; at the moment we are friendly and get on well. However, I know there are limits. Limits on subject we talk about, and how much time we spend together.

One limit I have discovered is never discussing other family. She cannot be rational about it. I have even told her that its too much of a "hot potato" issue and I don't want to talk about it. I think, for once, she got my point.

I don't have a difficult mum. Mine is lovely. And what I can tell you is that lovely mums don't fall out with friends or family because they treat people well. Sounds obvious, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to feel bad or guilty about cutting your mum off because if she wasn't so unkind and totally unreasonable you wouldn't want to escape from this toxic mess.

Lovely mums get called all the time (I speak to mine most days) and they keep their friends. It's because your mum is so far from lovely that she'll probably end up friendless. But that's down to her, not you.