How do you get over someone you still love, even if they are toxic?

[tryingtobehappy2019]

Hi All

Keen to know what people's thoughts are on this.

I recently broke up with my partner of 2 years, after almost a year of terrible behaviour. For those that wonder why I didn't do it sooner - looking back I was 100% gaslighted; he swept me off my feet in the beginning, made me feel the most special person on Earth, did anything for me, bought me gifts, took me away, we were out every night, but most importantly - listened to me, communicated with me, made me feel he really, truly cared. However, after about 6 months this mask started to slip - he became controlling, he started lying, he started flying off the handle at the smallest things, he had zero respect for my privacy ("why would I need any if I had nothing to hide") and coerced me into getting a tracker on my phone, take photos when I was out to prove where I was, went through all my messages and emails, etc, etc. At the same time, ironically, I caught him having more and more contact with his ex-girlfriend - she messaged me on facebook saying they were 'working things out' - he dismissed her as 'crazy'. He started having the most terrible mood wings, where he'd go from normal and delightful to hateful, moody, depressed- my job became round-the-clock emotional care for him - whenever I confronted him about his behaviour he would either cry and say he was depressed over his job, toxic breakup, or that he was sorry. Around January he started staying out until 5am - and then would come home weeping about his life, threatening to kill himself - obviously completely throwing me off being angry.

And yet, despite all this, we still had so much good times. I so so loved the 'good' side of him, and truly have never felt about anyone the way I felt, and still feel about him. It's been a month now of no contact and I'm in terrible pain, missing him so badly.

My question is how do I move on from the 'good' side of him, the side I loved and still love? How do we separate these sides of men? And our good memories? Plus, I'm 33 and now alone in London, not really knowing many people. I'm so terribly depressed, and am struggling not to run back...

I had to make a list of all the things that he did to me. I had to see the huge long list in black and white and every time I wavered I'd read it and usually add to it. That was the only thing that worked because I'm naturally forgiving and when he was nice, it was all too easy to feel sympathetic and get drawn in again.

Don't split the two for a start...

And also, he only behaved for the first shirt year. Then he revealed himself. He had you as a project then he went back to normal. If say you've got used to the drama and used to taking care of him over yourself, and now the emptiness feels bleak. But the drama was wrong. Give yourself an hour to dwell, then get on with learning how to relax back into normal life xxx

Look up everything you can on Narcissist men, in particular, podcasts and you will learn.

Ahhh, I know how you feel! I'm still there four months after the end of my relationship.

It's so so hard, but you MUST concentrate on the negative/poor behaviour. And realise that if it was meant to work or last, it would have.
I know it's much easier to be drawn to all their positive traits and the good times - because it much easier to deal with these emotions than the ones of pain.
I still feel very sad at the loss of the happiness he brought. How we had such a wonderful connection, how he seemed to get me like no one else....
BUT he has caused me more pain than I have ever had to ensue. And although there is a part of me, that would like to salvage something, or at least clear the air, I know deep down that he has done me a massive favour.
It will take time, but the fog will begin to clear and you will see this.

Concentrate on you. Try and make plans and get out to meet new people.
I started a new job at the beginning of the year, and god has that helped.
I've met people who have made me feel worthwhile again.

It takes time and patience with yourself.

It seems to me that this man filled a void in your life and without him there's a hole because you don't know many people and don't have much of a social life.

So do something about that. It's London, there's LOADS going on. Think of something you're interested in and find a group. Find several. Fill your time.

You'll miss him less and less, I'm sure of it.

Good luck.

Brilliant advice here. Keep busy. Sometimes the missing is exacerbated b because you're bored and fed up. These are the times when you would reach for the texting or Whatsapp.

New hobbies help, anything really, get out there and meet new people. I do not mean in terms of trying to meet a new partner, new friends, activities all contribute.
Don't look too far ahead, just think another day on down the road to a new happier you. You will meet someone else, we always do. Big hugs. This bit can be crap.

I think when you run in to someone like that - they give you such a wonderful feeling - that you can only get from them. And when it stops you spend so much time emotion and energy trying to get it back. It’s like getting addicted to a drug and having the supply turned off.
Perhaps what helps is realising it WAS a lovely wonderful feeling- but it wasn’t real, you were being played or scammed or conned, and you put up with all the pain to try and get it back. They say about scams that if it sounds to good to be true - it probably is. And the same goes for when you end up being played in a relationship.
It wasn’t real OP and you can’t get it back because now you know the true cost - and you know it will never be worth it.
I hope you find something real and then it will feel so much better.

Every time I thought of the good I reminded myself of the bad and how worthless and miserable I felt. I also pictured how I could be happy in a future relationship.
I also think no contact helps, no little texts or checks on Facebook

Typical narcissist.

As above I had a list of ALL the horrible things he did to me! Even the minor (actually not so minor) things. Everytime I thought about him, missed him etc I read that list (had it on my phone). I also recommend practicing mindfulness. That helped a lot 😊.

I was with my narcissist ex for 11 years so I get it. It gets easier!

The “good” side of him never existed - that man was a piece of fiction. So if you find your heart wandering back, remember he wasn’t real BUT you have some idea of good qualities you do want in future relationships (just not with a complete psycho :) ).

Keep reminding yourself that - scarily

• the man you thought you knew was the narcissist all along. Effectively you were cheated, defrauded, as you were with an imposter.

But it was not a waste of time. All this is great material to think a) how do you see red flags in future, and b) what did you like in the relationship (you thought you had) that you’d like again.

It’s all a lesson, keep looking forward and keep your life clean of mediocre trash like him. Keep your head up and enjoy your freedom :) If you find someone nice, then it’s all a bonus :)

Ladies- Can i had to this thread?

Evening,Forgive me but this is my first time on here, my name is Andrew. I kind reaching out for advice/ guidance in relation to the recent ending of my relationship-post 3 weeks now!! I strongly believe i was in a relationship with a narcissist and has such i am suffering from a trauma bond. i am just asking if any one else has been through such a relationship, how did you get through, what methods did you use.

Andrew

Find a good therapist and ask if they specialise in codependency. If you don’t know what it is give it a google, but it’s like being addicted to someone, even when you know they do you no good.
Two books Codependent No More, and Facing Love Addiction helped me.

Thanks Ohyesiam, its so difficult , strong feelings/ emotions and not know what to do.

Andrew

It's not love, it's a habit.

WhiteDust,

Your right and i need to break that habbitt.

OP if you hadn't said you lived in London I'd have thought you were talking about my ex. It was exactly the same for me and tbh I was reading thinking OMG he (my ex) was stringing her (OP) along at the same time as me, until I read on. I'm a year out of that relationship and I'm only just feeling more my old self now. I've had no relationship since and I've only recently started to feel like I might be ready again to think about a new relationship (for context I've been single maybe 6 months - plus this year- for my entire adulthood at nearly 40!). It really shook me to the core, I am in therapy now which may be helping but also, I feel it may be reopening the wounds. I am sticking with it though, I feel it may have come to late, but maybe the wounds do need reopened to help me truly move on. The fear is paramount that I am now a 'victim' and so will somehow be more susceptible to fall into another trap set by a vicious man, also the complications of starting a new relationship is off putting and I certainly don't want to actively search so the likelihood of finding someone is extremely slim. I hate what he has done to me and how much I have changed because of him, but equally I have a child now and so it's impossible to regret everything. I made a mistake when I chose him, I need to forgive myself for that and hope that when old enough, my child can forgive me too.

Don't worry OP - seems crazy but the EXACT same thing happened to me, like with you, by a narcissistic man where his mask started slipping about 10 or 11 months into the relationship and he did all those things you describe (the love bombing initially for 3hour long phone calls each day, putting me as number 1, future faking and pressurizing the idea of getting married/kids even though I wasn't interested, yet talking to his ex behind my back (even bitching about me to her at 1 point), and would always ask for pics to prove I'm where I am, would say he had shown pics of me to his mates who live nearby me and that they'd know if I was out with a guy, would get irrationally angry in seconds if I took a while getting back to his texts, would switch between being elatedly happy to terribly depressed within minutes with no real trigger, would moan about his stressful job, yet act super clingy and controlling with me..

even when I ended things, he initially claimed he'd never speak to me again but weeks later he stalked all my online social media and even sent pics of himself with cuts across his face (as some sort of scary "get back with me" gesture).

I'd say it is HIGHLY likely that yours will return as mine did and has tried to get back with me for over a year now (even our relationship was only a year long so he's spent longer trying to get me back than the relationship duration itself - this is what they do. Don't be suckered in as the next time the mask slips, it'll be much worse. I've always said no even though at some times I can only remember the fake good version of him (not his crazy narc tendencies)

I have messaged you.

Same boat here and do struggle a bit with seeing the good side of my ex but like others say here, you have to really keep in mind the darker side as that's him too, and that might be the one you'd have been living with on a day to day basis. I joined a few groups, where I had more interaction with others, saw friends, and eventually was happy doing my own thing. A year later, definitely much easier and I thank God I'm not in that situation anymore.

Get angry. Make a list of all the terrible things he did and find your anger. It will give you perspective and if you get angry every time you think of him it will help you get past it all the sooner.

Thank you every for your kind words- it really does help.

TwixBix1 your experience is so scarily similar.. My Ex-P also talked about having kids and getting married VERY early on.. like within weeks... it sounds so crazy now but at the time it was such a romantic whirlwind. I actually did think I’d met ‘the one’. I know how it wasn’t real - but all I can describe it as is such heartbreaking disappointment that something that felt so magical and so real turned out to be nothing but a control mechanism...

It’s almost as though going back to him, and putting up with the shit as well as the good, would be better than just feeling depressed all the time... you ladies and your strength is amazing - I don’t know if I’m as strong. I don’t feel it at the moment...

But the depression will end. His narcissism will never end.

I'm in London - I'll take you out ! Sorry, I'm better at night's out than advice! X

@tryingtobehappy2019 do you have kids? I know it seems like going back might be easier but this is where you have to find that inner strength and see there is a better life you deserve. My lightbulb moment with my ex was thinking I'd never want someone like him as a prospective partner for my children, then there was the realisation that why did I think he was then enough for me?

I have friends who are still entwined in their car crash relationships with narcissistic men and they just can't see how they are being torn apart, and in many cases taking their kids with them. You will find your new normal, have faith in yourself