Considering leaving DP because of my depression

[iwasagirlinavillage]

We've been together just over a year. I love him and he's completely fantastic. But I'm struggling to let him in. My XH cheated on me and left me when I had PND and was having suicidal thoughts. My depression is resurfacing. I'm scared to let DP see the true extent of it. I opened up to him last week about this fear, and he responded in such a kind and loving way. I started to let him in a bit more, but then a slight disagreement over something had me retreating and pushing him away again. I felt like I had let myself be vulnerable and if it all goes wrong now then not only will I be devastated to lose him, but I'd also have lost my dignity by him seeing me so low. I'd feel so weak and pathetic and vulnerable, just like I did after XH left.

I don't want to lose him. I love him and we see a future together. But I just feel like I can't do this. I can't let myself be fully vulnerable with a man again. But I know that if I don't I'll lose him anyway by pushing him away.

I'm seeing a counsellor and we have touched on this a little but I'll discuss it with her more this week.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I too have a fear of appearing vulnerable to anyone in my life.

Do you think there is a trigger for your depression? Could it be something that will be resolved (e.g. dreading a certain event) or is it just ongoing?

Thank you for replying.

It is ongoing, but it's become worse recently, I think because I've been physically unwell and I've had to take time off work, so I'm really anxious as I'm already under sickness procedure, but I had no choice but to take the time off. I was so unwell. I'm worried I'll end up losing my job because of it.

Don't make big decisions for yourself when you know you are depressed. Because you are unwell you can only see negatives. That is the nature of depression.

You aren't a burden, you are worthy of your dp. He loves you. He wants you to be well so stop concentrating on solving problems you perceive has which aren't real and focus on you. Your dp wants you to be and the only way to resolve depression is doing you.

Have you seen a gp? Have you self-referred to IAPT? Are you making an effort at a decent self-care routine and meeting your core needs? If you aren't then that's where you start.

Accept your dp's support and love. It might feel odd and like you don't deserve it but you do and he doesn't deserve you to chuck in the towel and give up on him because of your depression. Start being kind to yourself, ask for help and it will get better.

Thank you for your kind message.

I am on the highest dose of citalopram and have been for years. I haven't been back to my GP this time. I previously had CBT with IAPTs and I'm seeing a private counsellor now. I don't know what more I can do.

Self care isn't wonderful I have to admit. I have two young DC. The youngest doesn't sleep well and she's also been unwell so I haven't been getting much sleep. Also, I know it's the exact opposite of what I should be doing, but when I feel low my relationship with food isn't good. I tend not to eat. I know it's about control. I previously had an ED (in my teens). I know it makes things worse but it's a hard habit to break.

Right now, DP and I are in something of a disagreement. Well, not even really that. He said somethings about finding members of my family difficult, and he's not wrong in what he's said, they can be difficult. But they're also lovely. Unfortunately, he's come in to their lives at a time that isn't so easy for each of them so he's not seeing the best of them. Of course, instinctively, I'm very protective of my family. But in addition to that they got me through my separation and divorce and they're the only people who have never let me down. He wasn't nasty in his comments but it really upset me what he said. This is what's making me currently want to retreat. He wants to talk about it to try to resolve it. But I just want to run away from it all.

Hey don't feel bad. If you already suffer with depression then a family wobble is going to throw you for a loop.

If you accept that logically some of your family are a bit hard work, mine too, and that your partner has good reason to make a complaint (difference between complaint and criticism) about their behaviour then all you have to accept is that he can feel that way and it's not a reflection of who you are. He can find them high maintenance and it not be a criticism of you or your relationships with them. He loves you, he doesn't have to love them, as long as he isn't horrible to them or about them.

My dp barely knows my family. They are hard work so I protect him from their bullshittery but I carry on my normal relationship I've always had with them. He's my rock when they are being mental. It's a compromise because I love my family to bits but they aren't easy for a new dp because my xh did a lot to hurt them and me.

When you are depressed and down it's hard to see a logical balance. Your dp can say "they drive me mad" and you can say "they drive me mad too but I love them and I'd like you to try with them but I'll protect you from the worst of them because I love you and I appreciate it is sometimes difficult."

Depression is horrible. I empathise totally. The only advice I can give is to do proper not half-assed self-care, be kind and compassionate to yourself but mostly always look for the balance in the thing you are dealing with because in depression your mind always goes straight to the worst negative.

That's really helpful @SixDot941 thank you.

I was worried that it would be seen that my DP is being a critical arse and that I should LTB. He does make the effort with them and he isn't horrible in anyway. One of the things he said is that they can be a bit hard on me which I know comes from a place of love for me. I think my family is similar to yours in the way that they are wary because they all loved my XH, they accepted him as their own and trusted him not to hurt me. Ultimately he hurt and betrayed me, the DC and my family. It's logical that they would be wary. Equally, I don't think they're unkind to my DP and he doesn't either. It's just something of a tricky relationship from both sides.

He wants to talk tonight. He said he has some things he "needs to say". I'm so anxious about what those things are. I've said that I don't feel strong enough to hear it or to argue with him about this. I have tried to say that we should just forget about it, but he thinks we need to talk about it as if not it won't get resolved and could just fester. To be honest, I'm fully prepared that this might be the end of our relationship. I'm putting myself in that mindset and trying to convince myself that I can manage it if it is. I don't want to lose him, but if that's what happens I don't have the energy to fight right now. Like I said, I just want to run away.

Your dp is very right. It's scary. I hate it when my dp has to read my emotions the riot act but that's not him telling you that there is something wrong with you or you are bad he's trying to help you and he's offering you the right support to help you overcome the want to run away from vulnerability. It takes bravery from you to trust that he won't run away but I don't see that he will.

Even if you don't have disordered eating much now eating disorders put a long claw into how you feel about yourself and your relationships. It's taken me a very long time to start to get that stuff straight and listening to my caring dp and desperately trying not to hear criticism and immediately defending. I know eating disorders make you very internal but being that internal and controlled isn't good for you or your dp. Trust me, it's OK to trust.

I've said I'll call him once the DC are asleep, but typically, DD2 is being a pickle and won't settle. My anxiety is very high right now as I want to know what he has to say. I actually feel sick with anxiety. Hopefully I can call him soon and then I'll know one way or the other.

It will be better than you think. Don't expect the worst.

Deep breathing. Do you know the square method of breathing? It can really help. I have anxiety, major depression, PTSD and chronic pain plus other issues. Square breathing can really help. You take a breath in, hold for 3-5 seconds, breath out for 3-5 seconds hold for 3-5 seconds the breath in for 3-5 seconds and repeat. It can really help release tension.

Also, have you through of a medication change? If you are at max dosage and it’s not being effective maybe a different med to help. - short acting one? Ativan is a good one. Not sure if it’s called the same thing there:)

It sounds like your boyfriend is a good guy. He is trying to work with you and your issues. Baby steps. Try and think realistic thought in between the big anxious ones coming through.

Please read/skip to the comment to this article by OhArthur (it’s one of the first). It’s one of the most beautiful and moving things I’ve read about depression in marriage.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/16/five-lessons-having-an-amicable-divorce#comment-127032229

Thank you for the messages.

That comment on the article is very true of depression - it's that feeling of wanting to run away, of just wanting something to change and not considering if it's the wrong thing.

As for changing medication. It's an option. I previously took sertraline when I was breastfeeding as it was felt it was safer, but it made me feel really sick and didn't seem to help too much with the depression. So I am a bit anxious about trying something new.

I spoke to DP on the phone for almost 2 hours. He had a concern that he would have to censor himself or tread on eggshells with me in the future with regards to saying something if my family say/do something that he finds difficult. He said he would never say anything to them but he needs to be able to speak freely to me, and he was concerned that after this he wouldn't be able to do that. I said I always want him to be able to speak to me, but I don't have to always like what he has to say. He said he doesn't dislike my family, but even if he did he would still see them because they're important to me and I'm important to him. We talked about a lot of things, including the future, and we both agree that our future is together.

We also spoke about my depression and my fear of opening up to him. He said he understands that fear and, as he has no previous experience with depression, he isn't always sure what to do for the best so if I want space to tell him and if I want him there to tell him. He said he isn't prepared to lose me and he wants to support me through this in any way he can. I said I would try harder to not shut him out and he said he would try harder with my family. We both agreed we need to work on our communication as we both tend to retreat for a while if something is difficult rather than tackle it head on, but that provokes anxiety in the other.

I do feel better about this particular issue. My anxiety has reduced at least. Now I just need to work on the depression.

See? Was it as bad to talk to him about your vulnerabilities?

Have you thought that the meter thought that you are depressed is making it worse? I can be honest in hindsight and say even though I was chronically severely depressed every day wasn't shit. I forgot to notice the good or average days because I was so invested in recovering from the black dog. Today has been a good day for you, bit wobbly in the beginning but you've done something you should be proud of yourself for.

Stop saying I'm going to stop having bad days and start saying I will acknowledge when things are average or good and I will be kind to myself on the days which are genuinely bad. You'll crack it, just keep talking about it. You might think the things that upset you are silly but if you communicate you'll see how normal (as in not depressed) your issues are. Depression makes mountains out of molehills.