To stay for the kids?

[Borderterrierpuppy]

Just that really, have been with do 14 yrs, three children under 11.
Ups and downs, various reasons mostly him continuing party lifestyle with small children. He has mostly stopped now but the problem is I dont like him anymore never mind love him.
We go along and sometimes have a nice time but I just don’t feel it anymore.
I would leave in a heartbeat if children were not involved.
But the guilt I feel even imagining tell them is horrendous.
Help, anyone offer any useful advice?

You've stated that you would leave in a heartbeat if children were not involved. I put it to you that it is for your children's sake that you should leave this man. Do not use your kids as an excuse or justification to stay with him.

They probably know far more than you give them credit for. I would think that your children have picked up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you two over the years (and perhaps they even wonder why you two are still together). Sound travels too.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. You're teaching them currently that a loveless relationship could become their norm too. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships; that your relationship with this man was based on a lie and you stayed because of them?. That's a terribly heavy burden to place upon a child and one they won't thank you for. That will continue to hang heavy over them as adults.

They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with this man and could well accuse you of being daft for staying simply because of them. You cannot use these people as the glue to bind you and this man together, you stay because you are afraid of change. Do not be so afraid of change and the unknown here; make the break.

"party lifestyle"

Does this mean coke?

(FYI, if not, "party" is generally a code word for cocaine)

Hi thanks for the replies, yes coke, thought he had given up then found lots of evidence in January. He has def stopped again atm...
Atilla I take your point of view too, we don’t fight but are not affectionate either, he would be but I just don’t feel it.
I genuinely don’t know what the children pick up, I just worry horribly that the break up would be worse for them than this.

So really he's "given up" for 6 weeks tops. Colour me unimpressed.

"I genuinely don’t know what the children pick up, I just worry horribly that the break up would be worse for them than this".

Really?. Worse than what?. You are in a loveless relationship with someone who takes cocaine. His primary relationship is with cocaine, its certainly not with you. The two of you between you are modelling a loveless relationship to your children. Sod feeling guilty here as well; he does not feel one ounce of guilt about what he has put you and in turn your kids through. You should not use your kids as the reason to stay with him.

As the child of divorced parents and a single parent myself I can tell you that the only time divorce is bad for children is when the adults act unreasonably. My exh and myself kept very amicable and friendly, we put DS first and as a result DS is a very happy child.

Some people seem to think that divorce is the worst thing ever for children. It's really not. I think a lot of the time people use it as an easy excuse to stay.

When people say they stay for the kids, I always think "but your kids haven't asked you to do this".

Your kids didn't even ask to be born. They definitely aren't asking you to stay in an unhappy relationship.

What example do you want to set for your kids? That they should sacrifice opportunities to be happy? That an unhappy relationship is healthy?

Your kids will be fine if you both put them first. But your relationship is yours. Make the decision for you.

I'd like to reassure you that a break up CAN be done with limited impact to the kids. I broke up with my husband of 12 years back in October. There is a long back-story but fundamentally we just got to the stage where I don't think either of us wanted to be together and I certainly didn't want to live with him. I asked him to leave after a particularly tense and depressing day. He moved into our touring caravan "temporarily" and after feeling totally number for a bout 3 days I realised he just couldn't come back.

I told him and DD (aged 7 at the time) that I no longer wanted to live with Daddy and that we could be friends but couldn't be husband and wife anymore. She was very upset (as were he and I really). He carried on seeing her regularly and we both told the same story - we loved her, it wasn't her fault, we didn't love each other anymore, we are friends.

For a couple of weeks she cried each evening about Daddy not being there, I told school and he and I both shared pick ups and drop offs. School reported her to be down and a bit weepy.

There was also a bit of anger towards me as I was the one who asked him to leave. It gradually reduced and her happy smiley self came back. She got used to the new routine (and we've worked hard to try and keep it consistent). We had a day out all 3 of us at Xmas. I have a chat with her Dad when I drop her off and we are friendly. We even have the odd coffee together.

School, family and I have noticed DD coming back to herself and being far more open, living, funny, cheeky and generally more "alive" than sh has been in over a year. I thought she hadn't noticed the atmosphere at home but I think she found it as crushing as DH and I did.

We moved her Dad into his new flat this weekend and she was so happy for him and for herself. I definitely didn't break her at all by doing this and have now made a far happier and less stressful environment for her to live in.

Thank you all for the replies,
I need to get a plan straight in my head and then act on it.
I am still terrified of the future but hearing that kids do weather it all is comforting.