How to deal with “difficult” parent?

[Suddenrealisation123]

Wasn’t even sure how to phrase the title for this. Just come back from visiting my brother. We were celebrating my brother’s new baby (much wanted after IVF).

My Dad was there and was miserable. He’s late 60s own company, but just lost biggest client.
I know he’s stressed, but literally every “happy” event in my life my Dad has being going through some sort of crisis. He’s isn’t one to bottle things up and so he will spend dinners which are meant to be celebrating things discussing how he’s going to be made redundant/bankrupt etc.

These aren’t made up things. He’s made some poor decisions business wise and also he’s suffered some bad luck, but it feels like he lurches from one crisis to another. He’s got no pension or savings having sunk them into his business.

My Mum ignores him and just says they will deal with it if it happens (I think she’s given up worrying as she’s had this her whole married life) and they ultimately have got through everything.

I am a worrier and I dread going to events now as I start panicking and thinking should I be doing more, how could I bail them out he if was made bankrupt etc? I wish I didn’t worry as much, because I guarantee this week my Dad will be out playing golf etc (he won’t give up hobbies etc to save - saying he’s need some enjoyment in his life).

Just wondered if anyone was in similar situation and how you deal with it? I don’t want to avoid family events, but I just dread going and being stuck with my Dad listing out his suppliers debt etc.

My DH says, “just don’t worry about it”, and I would love to be able to switch my worries off, but I can’t.

What did your brother make of his dad's behaviour?.

Where did this mindset come from, where did this all really start?. Counselling for your own self to now unravel all this properly could do you no end of good.

Your mother is married to this man and she is not worried, she has likely heard all this and more besides from your dad long before now (and she indeed has). She is getting what she wants out of this relationship with your dad.

Why are you getting stuck here listening to dad drone on about his suppliers debt; are you really the only one left who is bothering with him at all now?.

Why would you at all want to bail him out, why do you feel so obligated here?. Is this feeling obligated a legacy of your own childhood here? You were not put here to rescue and or save anyone so do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I also doubt very much he would at all do the same for you if the shoe was on the other foot. Your dad seems to be the sort of person as well who is only "happy" when he is miserable and/or wallowing in his poor business acumen.

Attila, you asked some really thought provoking questions. Thank you. They’ve made me really think. I’m going to look into counselling.

I don’t know where this comes from, but I definitely very much have to be in control. The problem solver. Something goes wrong in my life, I have to have a plan. I hate uncertainty. I do think part of this stems from a childhood where my Dad always had problems. So we couldn’t go on holiday, because he may be made redundant. We couldn’t move house, because he may lose his job etc. There was always a crisis looming. I suppose part is I’m like my Dad a worrier and so I tend to see the worst in situations.

It never seems to have bothered my brother. My brother is very laid back. He sort of listens goes, “sorry to hear that” and carries on as he was. So I agree my Dad doesn’t complain to him as much.

My Mum I feel sorry for. Not sure she gets anything from relationships. She’s a devout catholic and she doesn’t “believe” in divorce. I wonder if she thinks my Dad is her penance in life. They live very separate lives.

I don’t know why I feel I should bail him out. I suppose they are my parents and I love them, but also I suppose I’m looking how I can control and “fix” the situation and make everything alright.

I agree in the same situation, my Dad would just say “sorry don’t have money”. He also would problem tell me to be positive and how I need to kee my chin up...

but also I suppose I’m looking how I can control and “fix” the situation and make everything alright.

Yes you can do this quite easily - as Atilla says - get some counselling to sort out YOUR emotional conditioning and response to him. Then everything will be alright for you and your life.

Everyone else has detached from the fun sucking miserable sod except you.

I would be RAGING that he brought his black cloud to the joyous celebrations of this much wanted and cherished newborn.
Despicable behaviour. Why aren’t you? Can you even see that you are enabling this by giving him attention and not shutting him down. Your focus should have been 100% on your DB, SIL and their precious baby.

another20 I was cross with him. I just thought “seriously you can’t just stop complaining for one day? You can’t see that whatever what’s going on the joy in this situation triumphs everything”.

But I didn’t want to create a scene - he’s the sort that would just storm off or say something unpleasant, but illogical so, “well don’t you ever ask for my help ever again if you have a problem”, and you’d be thinking, “I wouldn’t anyway”.

I agree I need to detach. I really wish I could be more like my brother and just go “oh dear” and then not worry about it again.

Maybe the others were looking to you to behave like they do and close him down?

No point thinking it - need to take responsibility for dealing with it. The lovely celebrations trumps his mood. Who gives a flying fuck if he huffs off - you would probably get a round of applause.

another20 I didn’t say anything. It was my brother who said a few, “oh dears”, “that must be stressful”, “have you thought about retiring etc”. Which led to my Dad going on how he couldn’t afford to he had no pension etc. I just didn’t say anything and just nodded. My brother just chatted along and then was like “ok let’s have pudding”. I know he won’t be worried about this today, saying he can’t do anything so why worry? I on the other hand went away worrying about the
situation.

How would you like the situation to run next time? How are you going to achieve that?

Look up drama triangle, there are some lovely animated descriptions.

It's a dynamic, you don't have to play.

another20 I’d like my dad to say nothing, which I know won’t happen.

I suppose how I want to react is to be able to think, “ok, it’s dad complaining again, I’m not going to worry about this or let this ruin by enjoyment”.

I’ve looked up drama triangle - I’m definitely the “rescuer”

I think there's a technique called "drop the rope".

Equally, you are not responsible for your parents' happiness.

Sounds like your mum has coping strategies, so you're getting the shit end of the stick.