Started divorce proceedings at long last - need a shoulder

[minxthemanx]

Long back story which I've posted over the years. Unhappy marriage for the last five years - asked to separate back then but DH wouldn't. Tried to keep family together for sake of DC and still did things as a family, though marriage was pretty much over. Two years ago asked to separate again - still refused to consider it. Just repeats a mantra of we must work harder. In desperation had an extension built so he had own bedroom and bathroom - though he still insisted on using the 'family' bathroom as he calls it. Dh relationship with DS1 started to go downhill once DH1 hit teenage years - he is quite a difficult young man but has had a bumpy ride as was very ill with a ruptured brain aneurysm when he was 9. We are still under the care of Gt Ormond St all these years on- it hasn't been easy for anyone.
DH and DS1 now really really don't get on. Blazing rows, which a few weeks ago ended up with Dh screaming in his face and shoving him hard (DS1 is a big 17 year old, not a child.) DS2 has been very upset over the years by all the rows - is epileptic, but also fakes seizures, injuries etc to get attention at school. This was the final straw for me and I went to my solicitor. Have started divorce proceedings went to mediation for initial meeting. DH has also been to the mediator for his initial assessment. He walks round the house whilstling happily, and is in complete denial. Suddenly he is spending lots of time with the boys and has miraculously learned how to use the washing machine since I went to the solictor.
I have a very long, very difficult road ahead and don't know how to get through it. He refuses to move out. He doesn't accept that we should divorce - still saying we need to work harder. I've genuinely lost my wedding ring - it fell off in February when I was cleaning and I've looked everywhere for it - he had a go at me this morning, saying that I threw it away on purpose and we are still married. FFS. The atmosphere is awful, it's really horrible for the boys, but DH will not go anywhere. What do I do? Grit my teeth and ride it through, hoping for a separation agreement through the mediators? If not, court with all the thousands of pounds that will cost? It's going to be months, anyway, and I just don't know how to get through it. Do I move out with the boys and dog, and rent a 3 bed house somewhere? Not sure this is advisable - leaving him in the jointly owned house (5 years left on mortgage.) Sorry for the length of this - I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.

If he won't agree to the divorce then mediation won't solve anything. Don't waste time going to the mediators more than once. Go once, then you can say you've gone. After this, crack on with court proceedings. Don't get drawn into arguments about the split of the assets. He doesn't get to decide how the assets are split, either you agree it between you or the courts decide. And the courts will be fair to you.

Living conditions, well, it's either grin and bear it or move out and rent somewhere. I grinned and bore it and it was a horrid time but I just focussed on me and the kids.

Just get your head down and have razer sharp focus on getting the financial deal resolved. Sometimes you can go straight to a final hearing if you think you're not going to get anywhere via solicitors.

Get some legal advice ASAP.

asked to separate back then but DH wouldn't

Two years ago asked to separate again - still refused to consider it

You don't need his permission or agreement to separate.

See a solicitor, get your financial ducks in a row, ask solicitor about your standing if you leave the family home.

greenfingers I have seen my solicitor and she has written to him with the draft divorce petition. She also told me that it is pretty likely a court would rule in favour of the boys and I staying in the house until they finish formal schooling, due to their health issues, rather than having to sell. But I just can't see any way he will leave. He's not a bad person - far from it - and is depserate to keep the family together but cannot or will not see the damage it is doing. Even his Dad said to me, the week before he died last year, I don't know how you;ve stood it for so long. Everyone knows how difficult he can be.

Go see a solicitor apply for occupation rights for you and the children in the house. You are likely to be granted it until the consent order is done by a court. He will be required to find somewhere else to live.

He is speaking to his solicitor today, as has received the divorce petition. He seems willing to go for the next stage of mediation - which is where we go together and do the full financial disclosure - but it's all the weeks/months inbetween where we're still living in the same house that I'm dreading. He thinks everything is ticketyboo and is singing, whistling, suddenly being Father of the year... it's such a strain. Am v tempted to take the boys away for a weekend to get away from it all, but can imagine how that will go down.

"He seems willing to go for the next stage of mediation"

That's fine OP. Just make sure he's not using it as a means of stalling everything. Go to the mediation, get the financial disclosure then go through it with a fine toothcomb and you'll know a bit more about your situation then. Mediation alone won't get him out of the property only a court can sanction that

Oh I think he will stall as long as possible....I'll give him one chance to make agreement through mediation, other than that it will be court. Will I be on difficult ground if I take the boys for a weekend somewhere? They need a break from the atmosphere. As do I.