Is it possible to be an abusive husband but a good dad?

[SparklySneakers]

I'm struggling to make sense of why it's often argued that an abusive (in this case) alcoholic man is a good dad and a good guy when he emotionally abuses his wife. The kids are privy to this emotional abuse, know about the drinking problem and live in a very unhappy household. I don't understand how the woman can argue that a man like this is a good dad and nice guy and use it as a reason not to leave. Surely they can see the negative effects on the kids? Why do some people think staying together for the kids when the home is toxic is better than divorce?
I've know a few women with abusive husbands or ex husbands and they all say how he's great with the kids and not a bad man. Is it denial? Do they just not realise? Or refuse to acknowledge it? Why are standards so low in so many relationships?

Is it possible to be an abusive husband but a great dad and a nice guy? I don't think so but my views is coloured by my own experience of an abusive marriage.

Children often appear to "adore" an abusive or volatile parent, because they are sensitive creatures and have clocked that the parent is not a safe person, and that their safety depends on placating that person through "adoration" and biddableness.

My exH was emotionally abusive to the point of making me suicidal but he's the best dad for my DD.

Yes, such a good Dad move to make your child's mother suicidal, really got his daughter's best interests at heart

@Needadoughnut so it was your fault he was abusive then? I assume that's what he told you. He's done a right number on you if you still think that after leaving him. He probably appears nicer now to reinforce his narrative and because you aren't subjected to him daily. Have you had counselling for the abuse?

nope, an abuser is an abuser. Through and through. Needadoughnut, your ex made you suicidal and he's a good father? god. How could someone who hurts, gaslights, physically attacks, demeans, rapes, lies, cheats and emotionally abuses, be a good father?

I think generally speaking abuse is about control , i think its unlikely that they make good fathers.
My ex husband remains abusive to me and certainly isnt a good dad. Iv been totally surprised at how totally selfish he is and how he puts his needs over the children s.

and he has a drinking problem to boot? How can that be healthy for the children? At the very least they'll witness him drunk and out of control. They're very likely to develop pyschological issues themselves just as a result of that let alone everything else.

(and yes, I'm the child of an abusive parent, my mother was a child of an abusive parent, I married an abusive parent (albeit very low level) and I've been the gf of an abusive parent - I'm such a good advert for all of this).

If a child sees their mother being abused-and they will, even if they don’t realise that’s what they are seeing-then that’s what they will think relationships are like. Which is a disaster-for both boys and girls.

He was abusive in the sense that he took me for granted, put his mother first all the time. Whatever I did was irrelevant an not important... Plus some other stuff sex wise. He's been on counseling and so has he. He's apologised for everything he's done and I've forgiven him.

Yes I do.

how ur feel about the mother is totally different to how you feel about the child.

Abuse to partner is different to abuse to yiour children imo

Mine abused me ... in front of my child. No hitting, but everything else. My child saw it all, came along for the angry car rides, saw my fear, indignation, saw me try to fight back and almost always end up cowed, agreeing to apologise and say anything if he will just stop.

That's a bad father and that's all there is to it.

Nope

Abuse to partner is different to abuse to yiour children imo

As the child of a father who was abusive to my mother, I can tell you that it categorically is no different.

@ILoveMaxiBondi

I like the first two sentences of your 11.53 post so much I've saved them to my phone.

I have an abusive family member, but I quite purposefully don't have much to do with them. I often feel like I'm alone or they just target me but I also often suspect they are an abuser in areas of their life I never see.

In answer to the OP, my father was an alcoholic and abusive to my mother

You can't also be a good dad if you inspire anxiety and fear in your children as to when you will blow next even if they aren't the target

“Abuse to partner is different to abuse to yiour children imo”

It really, really,really isn’t.

I’m also the child of an absusive father and it’s not different. An abuser is an abuser. Myself and my four siblings live with the long term consequences of this. I’m nearly 50.

Yes.

I think the "he's been really nice recently or "he's bought me a really thoughtful gift" or similar there's a lot of people. There's a misconception that abusive people are abusive all the time. They aren't. They are perfectly capable of being nice when it fits their narrative and gets you to do what they want. Threaten to leave? He starts being really nice, buts you gifts, reminds you of the guy he was when you first met. Isn't that what keeps women in the abusive cycle?

I've given up trying to get her to see sense now. I've been very blunt with her but age is choosing to give him a chance and see what the future brings. Feel so sorry for the kids.